ASK MYRNA: ANNOYING TEXTS FROM HUSBANDS AND KIDS WITH COFFEE
Our resident advice columnist, Myrna Joy offers the Heauxs' perspective on all your nagging problems. Send her your questions—large or small, inane or petty, or inane and petty—to firstname.lastname@example.org.
How do I make my husband stop sending me half-cocked thoughts by text while I'm at work. “We should talk about the mortgage,” or “What if my mom stays here this summer?” I think he's just getting them out of his head, but omg then suddenly I’m the one sitting there stressing all day before we can talk.
<3, Stirring the Stew
Dear Stew Stirrer,
This is a good lesson for all of us: You can’t soft launch a topic via text. Text messages with only the barest of bones immediately send any normal, empathetic being into an apocalyptic spiral. Think about all those times you’d text a guy some crowd-shared, at-the-bar-with-your-girlfriends, day-after text only to get back, “ok.” That’s three hours of post-text bar analysis you will never get back.
Instead, text messages require thoughtfulness. They require nuance. “We should talk about the mortgage” is a little too “We need to talk about Kevin” to have either.
Here’s something I will say, and it may be something you want to share with your husband to really hit this home: Text messages, and voicemails for that matter, are good for hard launches,
Sparking anger, burning down every bridge that you have ever crossed--that’s what the mic drop text message is for. Anything else is a waste.
So, do you want to get into an argument with your SO? Text him first! Do you want to scare your sister into thinking something terrible has happened at the house only to discover it’s really a surprise party in her honor? Ok, yes, text her that there’s something she has to look at in the living room. Do you absolutely need to hit home that you weren’t wearing six-inch Louboutins, you were wearing four-inch little brown Bebe shoes? Text away, kids!
In short, show him Alexis Neiers, explain the Heauxs Text Message Theory of 2018, maybe ask him if he’s pretty wild. I guarantee this will either convince him of the error of his ways, or get you a good makeout session. Either is a win in my book.
They’re kitten heels, b*tch,
Is it shitty that my three-year-old prefers Starbucks over the local independent coffee shops? There’s nothing she loves more than sitting over a cup of Starbucks on a Saturday morning. (Is it shitty, generally, that my kid knows that much about coffee shops?)
At Least It’s Not Keurig?
Kids are the definition of basic. A three-year-old requires patience, structure, physical activity, daily naps and constant reassurance that hot chocolate always comes in a kid-sized green-and-white paper cup, with only slight seasonal variation. That’s a direct quote from Dr. Spock.*
Look, it’s fine that your kid prefers Starbucks, and also that she can probably now walk up to the counter and order your Venti Caramel Macchiato with an extra shot of espresso for you. Kids really do crave structure. (That’s a direct quote from my time as a substitute teacher.) It’s overwhelming—as an adult—to go to an artisanal coffee shop with all-white counters and succulents carefully placed on the tables and a bunch of sciencey stuff behind the counter that is somehow going to make your (delicious, not saying it’s not) rosemary honey latte. Imagine that experience as a three-year-old.
As for how much your kid knows about coffee shops—it seems to me you’re just preparing her for the real world. Before I went to college, I’d only tried to drink Starbucks one time, and the coffee flavor was too strong, so then I left the cup as evidence on my desk in my bedroom until one day I noticed that the coffee was covered in a slimy green layer of mold. I didn’t get into coffee, surely the eighth wonder of the world, for four more years. I’m thrilled the next generation won’t have that experience, due to amazing parenting by people like you.
*as made up by me