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Hi.

Our thumbs are basically numb from texting back and forth 24/7 about everything we love (AND HATE) that's happening on our televisions, iPads, and eye glasses (hi, we think we're funny) and we thought WHY NOT SHARE THIS JOY WITH THE WORLD?!  

MUCH LIKE RANDALL'S SEARCH, THIS EPISODE IS POINTLESS (THIS IS US RECAP)

MUCH LIKE RANDALL'S SEARCH, THIS EPISODE IS POINTLESS (THIS IS US RECAP)

So pointless in fact, that this is going to be a very speedy recap. I’m in no mood to deal with needless episodes after my Belizean vacation, NBC, and putting my tanned body through this ordeal was NOT the post-vacation reality-check call I wanted. Almost every single second of this episode was pointless, but I have done the thankless job of whittling it down to 10 key items.

10 Pointless Things About This Episode

1) Showcasing the origin story of Clooney, Randall’s Bio Dad’s scrawny cat. Writers knew that this episode was filler and turned to the internet for inspiration. Hence, the cat focus.

2) Randall’s whole search for the woman he believes his Bio Dad loved. This is all prompted because he finds a couple of sketches and poems in an old box Bio Dad left behind. First of all, what kind of creep wants to find the woman his good old man banged? Second of all, this whole madcap mystery takes up AN ENTIRE EPISODE only to have us find out Bio Dad was dedicating all this art to an old poster of Billy Holiday. Like, I can’t.

3) Kevin acting like a jealous toddler who hasn’t been weaned off his mother’s teats every time Miguel shows up.

4) Kate and Skinny Bitch Madison becoming friends after Kate learns that SKB has bulimia. It’s not that bulimia isn’t an important subject; it’s that it’s too much of an important subject to have it be this 5-minute bonding moment between them.

5) The mall. Look at every mall in every Rust Belt suburb, they’re a dying breed.

6) Teen Randall sulking over the cute little Redhead only to have him magically get the balls—in this case a Magic-8 Ball (I shit you not)---to ask her out without any introspection or reflection. One second he’s sad, next second he’s strutting like a suave man to woo her.

7) Teen Kevin and Younger Miguel wallowing in self-pity over their respective personal tragedies. Yawn.

8) Teen Kate getting huffy because she does too fit in a dress for winter formal but it brings up too many feelings of inadequacy. Proving my point that Kate’s problem isn’t her weight, it’s her attitude.

9) Daddy Pearson wanting to start a business and Mommy Pearson being oh so supportive. Their love makes me bitter. Show the truth to America! That marriage is a patriarchal institution where your own personal dreams go up in flames! (Too soon?)

10) Randall deciding to become a benevolent landlord. I don’t understand why his professional crisis led him to this, but sure.  Why the hell not? It’ll give us a whole slew of wacky character to entertain ourselves with.

The Only Necessary Takeaway from This Waste of Space

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All of that nonsense was a very terrible, horrible, no good, very bad way of leading up to one crucial moment: the realization that the Pearson’s fire detector has no batteries. At the very end of the episode, while Mommy and Daddy Pearson are basking in the glow of their unrealistic love, Mommy asks Jack, “Did we forget something at the mall?” to which Jack responds, “I don’t think so”. The camera, however, pans out to zoom in on a ceiling fire alarm with no batteries. One of the things they needed to get at the mall (RIP), aside from father-son heart-to-hearts and emotional retails scars, was a pack of batteries. This of course is foreshadowing the VERY IMPORTANT CROCKPOT EPISODE and boy, do I have thoughts. Do.I.Have.Thoughts. Stay tuned for that recap! Cause this one was pointless.

ARIE'S GOT HIS DAD HAT ON AND YOU'RE IN TROUBLE YOUNG LADY (BACHELOR RECAP)

ARIE'S GOT HIS DAD HAT ON AND YOU'RE IN TROUBLE YOUNG LADY (BACHELOR RECAP)

NOT TODAY SATAN (THOTS & PRAYERS FOR HEAUXS)

NOT TODAY SATAN (THOTS & PRAYERS FOR HEAUXS)