ARIE'S GOT HIS DAD HAT ON AND YOU'RE IN TROUBLE YOUNG LADY (BACHELOR RECAP)
Here's what I want to talk about: how the fuck am I supposed to care about anything Arie does after seeing MAGIC MIKE LIVE in Las Vegas? How am I supposed to care about Arie's engagement ceremony when Magic Mike will wear tiny underpants and get engaged to your mom?
Don't come at me with The Bachelor and Magic Mike aren't the same because THEY ARE, just one is worse than the other. Both are built on what men think women's fantasies are. Fantasy dates and fantasy suites and what I'm trying to tell you here is--the fantasy at MAGIC MIKE LIVE is just so much goddamn better.
THESE BOYS WILL WORK FOR IT. They will dance their sexy little behinds off for it and I am HERE FOR IT. God Bless America! And God Bless Channing Tatum!
Let me ask you, is Arie working for it? AT ALL? What is he doing besides talking to his potential wives in a patronizing tone that he thinks is "sensitive." What is Arie offering? His bachelor pad in Scottsdale for THE REST OF YOUR LIFE, HUNTY? Arie won't even take his goddamn shirt off and show me the goods. Tell me this, how am I supposed to buy into any Arie fantasy when the dates are 1) dinner in an old timey car museum in FORT LAUDERDALE 2) hanging out at some random dude's shack in the Everglades 3) BOWLING. HEAUX MY GOD I'M HAVING A STROKE.
So let's just say this week's episode was a disappointment for me. Even Krystal and her nonsense was a disappointent for me. I am disappointed and watching Magic Mike clips on YouTube until I feel better. DANCE BOYZ DANCE.
Let me ask you this--have you ever had the urge to Titanic yourself across the bow of a boat while some dude holds on to your ass? This is the saddest goddamn thing and basic bitches everywhere insist upon it. FANTASY BETTER, LADIES. So here's our villian-turned-not-as-bad-as-Krystal-Chelsea blocking our view of Arie's chest while she Titanics everywhere. For a second I think he might have a giant tattoo? Does anyone know?
They go to dinner at a car museum and Arie says shit like "I have to treat Chelsea differently because she's a mom," blargh. She makes two toasts out of things she's read in Papyrus cards and he responds "I love that."
Chelsea tells him her baby daddy was older and more successful and tried to turn her into who he wanted her to be.
UH GIRL, HELLO? You know being on The Bachelor is all about twisting yourself up into whatever this dude wants you to be? RUN CHELSEA RUN BACK HOME AND CALL A THERAPIST.
CHELSEA GETS A ROSE.
Time to go...bowling? Um, ok. The girls squeal squeal squeal like they didn't just go bowling last week on a Bumble date. THEY ARE THRILLED YAY. Arie says he never imagined himself in the middle of a high stakes bowling game. LOL. Krystal leads her team in prayer. There’s so much screaming and still there are girls we don’t know and Bekah is wearing clown pants.
Arie says that the winning team gets to hang out with him after and the losing team has to go home. MORE SQUEALING. After Krystal's team wins, poor Arie's conscience just won't let him send his other wives back to the W, and so he says, jk you guys can come too and this is the Katalyst for Krystal's Krying (while gliding around a bathrobe).
Krystal says she can’t trust Arie now because he changed his mind and invited the other girls on the date. Krystal tells them she won't go on the date. She wants a partner who includes her in decisions. That’s actually a reasonable request. If you weren't on a reality show where you get to make exactly zero decisions, girl.
Bekah does an impression of Krystal that’s pretty funny.
All the girls sit around and talk about Krystal. This drama is so hard to care about. They immediately announce to Arie that Krystal isn’t there and tell him how awful she is. I don’t know why they told him, of course he’s going to go deal with it. I would’ve waited for him to notice.
ARIE’S KRYSTAL KRISIS INTERVENTION
He hugs her. She tells him that she and her teammates were disrespected. She tells him she wants him to LET HER IN. Are you teaching me a lesson, he asks? YES, ARIE. YES, SHE IS. Well! Arie won't be taught a lesson thank you very much and he puts his Dad hat on and is like, you've made your choice, why don't you stay up here and think about your actions and I'll see you in a few days.
And for a second I've forgotten about the lap dance I got at MAGIC MIKE LIVE and am SO TURNED ON. I didn't know Arie had it in him.
Arie returns to the sister wives and this is what happens:
- TAXIDERMY SPEAKS. Blah blah some love stuff. They make out.
- He’s scared he’s going to fall for Bekah. He’s still not sure if 22 is too young for him. LOL ARIE.
- He takes the other Becca to his room. They make out. She thanks him for taking her to his room.
- KRYSTAL JOINS THE PARTY BECAUSE OF COURSE SHE DOES
- Krystal gives a speech about how her feelings were hurt to the girls. Heidi Montag doesn’t want to listen to Krystal's BS so she goes and finds Arie.
- Arie and Heidi Montag play 21 questions and he’s shocked she takes her coffee with coconut milk. He literally says WOAH.
HEIDI MONTAG GETS A ROSE.
This motherfucker takes Raven 2.0 to the swamp. They ride on an airboat without any headphones and that shit is loud as fuck but they don't care because LOVE. They see an alligator and then Arie says the alligator reminds him that love can be scary and I don’t like him again. They freak out when they see a turtle. A turtle.
They go to dinner and she's wearing some sort of chain mail that she must've bought at Raven 1.0's boutique. She brings up religion and her faith. He sort of softballs the "could you date someone who doesn’t have the same faith as you?" to her when he should be like, what’s your stance on gay people, abortion, birth control, women’s issues, original sin, ETC ETC ETC INTO INFINITY.
But who says you need to have similar ideological beliefs to have a successful marriage? RAVEN 2.0 GETS A ROSE.
Krystal says she wasn’t hiding in her room – she was discovering herself, her words not mine. You do not want me to keep talking about this maniac, do you? I mean you know she's staying, the producers included her in a promo in the middle of the episode! She fights with the girls some more. Marikh speaks for the first time ever and says she doesn’t like manipulation. Bekah wants to know why Krystal is still there. Krystal pouts. Arie talks to some girl I have no idea who she is at all, but she likes their chemistry. Bah.
And girl, that crazy ass Taxidermy is letting her freak flag fly. She's like, let's play questions, Arie! And then outs herself as a cannibal. “It’s a curiosity!” she says full stop.
Arie gives Krystal some more tough love and I LOVE IT when he plays Daddy, I'm not gonna lie. She's all "It's our first fight!" and he's like, "And it might be our last." and I'm so turned on, this is why I'm not allowed to date men because DAYUM ARIE YOU COLD.
Everyone is annoyed Krystal is staying. Bye bye to Maquel who just flew back from her grandpa's funeral only to return to the airport, Marikh who never spoke, and a girl I don’t know her name. Auf wiedersehen, heauxs.