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Hi.

Our thumbs are basically numb from texting back and forth 24/7 about everything we love (AND HATE) that's happening on our televisions, iPads, and eye glasses (hi, we think we're funny) and we thought WHY NOT SHARE THIS JOY WITH THE WORLD?!  

HORSE AND TEDDI SHOW (RHOBH RECAP)

HORSE AND TEDDI SHOW (RHOBH RECAP)

While the past few weeks of #RHOBH have offered up an amuse-bouche of Teddi Mellencamp, this episode was a prix-fix of Teddi—appetizer, main, dessert, and wine pairing, hold the fat, the salt, the alcohol, and the joy.

Kyle jetted off to Croatia with Mauricio and her girls for a luxury vacation so she didn’t suck up any air time, though she did facetime from her yacht to make sure her storyline hadn’t faded into obscurity. I wonder if RHOBH is like middle school where you leave on a week-long family vacation and when you return all your girlfriends have decided you can’t hang with them anymore because you wear overalls and turtlenecks. Just me? Cool.

Before we get too deep into Teddi’s world, PK—whose name can only stand for Potato Kebab because he is a potato kebab decorated with googly eyes and a torn v-neck—is throwing a birthday party for his beloved Dorit. First, he surprises Dorit by getting their baby daughter to hold balloons and Dorit squeals like she forgot she had an adorable daughter.

Then he gets Lisa V to host a dinner at Villa Blanca because PK wouldn’t leave such an auspicious event to someone made out of potatoes and a wooden skewer.

During the dinner, PK once again surprises Dorit with a child; this time her son Jagger is dressed in a jacket with tails, also holding a balloon. Dorit is so emotional you’d think she just got back from serving overseas. How infrequently is she seeing her children? Are they always with a governess, while Dorit must tend to PK’s skewer so his potato parts roast evenly?

Jagger is dressed in formal wear as is Giggy, Lisa V’s dog, and I literally cannot tell them apart.

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The dinner is relatively lighthearted and Lisa Rinna even makes a toast to Dorit about moving past old baggage. The only minor hiccup is when Teddi tells Erika she found her a bit cold in Vegas and Erika is like, welp, that’s standard initiation round these parts. I hope this isn’t Teddi’s storyline for the season because it’s not working for anyone especially Ms. Jayne (if you’re nasty).

As a sexy little aside, Lisa V was ALL ABOUT Teddi’s husband, Eddi at this dinner. She was giving off a hot Mrs. Robinson vibe—she definitely wanted to douse him in rosé and trot him around like one of her prized miniature ponies.

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Erika is writing a memoir in partnership with a real writer who is actually writing her memoir. But I don’t care cuz I’m getting an advanced signed copy and will keep it tucked under my pillow hoping that her goyishe essence seeps into me by osmosis and my Jewish neurosis is replaced by the composure of an ice queen. The book will get into some heavy shit; namely her father who never acknowledged her existence. Sad, but without that broken relationship, would Erika have married a 900-year old man, owned a flock of stylists, and ascended the dance charts to land at Billboard’s #1 with songs like ‘How Many F**ks’? I think not. #WorthIt

Back to Teddi Bo Beddi, rider of horses, eater of no salt, coach of accountability. She has invited the Lisas and Dorit to watch her in a horse jumping competition. Though she asks the ladies to wear sensible clothes, Dorit dresses like she’s going to Churchill Downs even though the location is more Grapes of Wrath Tenant Farm covered in horse shit. Teddi wins a blue ribbon at the event because she’s very competitive and also an accountability coach, which is. just. so. exciting.

Later, Dorit hosts a dinner for Teddi and Eddi so she and PK can get to know them better. Dorit purchases $19,000 worse of Hermès China for the evening, lest we forget that Potato Kebabs can make a gajillion dollars too.

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Teddi shows up right on time because as an accountability coach she is always punctual. What an enticing, fun quirk! I have no doubt she’ll be an entertaining part part of this franchise for years to come. (cough)

Teddi opens up about her son almost dying right after he was born and PK opens up about his first son from a previous marriage having a cone head when he was born, as if to say ‘samesies’. Hey, no one ever said rich potato kebabs needed emotional intelligence.

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PK and Dorit spend most of the dinner slandering Lisa Rinna, while Dorit eats nothing and PK shovels food in his mouth while sweating and swearing. He’s basically the British Bad Santa but with worse manners.

Teddi, who quite likes Lisa Rinna, is horrified by these toads but is very diplomatic because an accountability coach is nothing if not polite and boring. You’re not long for this world, my dear Teddi.

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