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Hi.

Our thumbs are basically numb from texting back and forth 24/7 about everything we love (AND HATE) that's happening on our televisions, iPads, and eye glasses (hi, we think we're funny) and we thought WHY NOT SHARE THIS JOY WITH THE WORLD?!  

SHE ALREADY DONE HAD HERSES (RPDR ALLSTARS RECAP)

SHE ALREADY DONE HAD HERSES (RPDR ALLSTARS RECAP)

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Hooo girl! That was quite action packed! My nerves are frayed--not to mention my charisma, uniqueness, and talent.

We start with Chad Michaels and Alaska Thunderfuck in full Handmaid’s Tale drag, praising Ru. Alaska confesses that the All Stars Hall of Fame is not as fun as she thought it was going to be. Ru has definitely utilized that Hulu subscription.

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We cut to the workroom and meet our old familiar girls. Storylines are immediately clear: Trixie wants to show what’s she’s really got, when she’s not paralyzed by fear (just like her BFFFFF Katya). Morgan McMichaels is in your face and wants to remind everyone she exists and is not dead. Fun fact: Morgan has had her very own Twitter death hoax! Perpetrated by America’s Sweetheart, Tyra Sanchez! Shangela is like: I’m all grown up and not so terrible anymore (to which I say...I’ll believe it when I see it.) Thorgy is dressed so terribly I want to poke my eyes out. Milk is so fucking proud of herself. But of course, there’s a surprise queen. And color me completely unsurprised: it’s Bebe Zahara Benet.

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Who, sidenote, ALREADY WON. But that was in the first season, and Ru rightfully points out that she had to battle that season one filter and only got $20,000. This is not exciting to me at all. Like, of all the bitches in the world...I’d rather see Nina Flowers on her own, tbh. Ru gives us the thesis statement for the season: Comeback kids.

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We’re sticking to the Lipstick Eliminations of All Stars 2. The queens have the library reading challenge and there are some good ones: Thorgy has a good read of Shangela but ruins it with a Bob the Drag Queen slam. Chi Chi gets Milk. Kennedy is just terrible. Milk is the worst! Morgan is no good and recycles Jujubee’s read from her season. Shangela is not good either! Trixie slays with a Valentina/Seal joke and hits the Milk thing good. Aja is just mean, but she calls Trixie a Lisa Frank serial killer, which Trixie loves. Bendelacreme calls Thorgy Pennywise, which is great. Bebe has a great one about Kennedy being sponsored for 30 cents a day. Bendelacreme takes it!

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The maxi challenge is another variety show. We’re following All Stars 2 template closely here. The ladies undress and sniff each other out. Trixie actually says “Winner winner, chicken dinner,” which proves that we are secret best friends. Ben likes to mention that she was Miss Congeniality a lot. Trixie tells Thorgy that she’s going to play violin in a red clown wig for her talent and I die! (LISTEN, BITCH, I LOVE TRIXIE AND I’M GOING TO ADORE HER ALL SEASON. GET WITH IT OR GTFO.)

Morgan makes the fateful decision to reveal that she will send the girl she feels is the biggest threat home when she gets the chance. Trixie rightfully points out that is career suicide. Aja nails it when she says that is a great strategy Morgan shouldn’t have said out loud.

Kennedy and Shangela develop a bit of a pointed tone with each other--mostly because Shangela jumps into a conversation that she’s not apart of. Everyone talks about their previous Drag Race experience, with Trixie talking about her fearful first go round and Ben admitting that when she was eliminated she took it harder than hard.

Variety Show Time! We have Michelle, Carson, Ross, and Vanessa Hudgens (with cute hair and Manila's carrot cake couture dress) to judge.

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Shangela goes first and lipsyncs and dances just like Beyonce, then death drops. Two out of three Blue Ivys.

Bebe performs a dance/lipsync that Trixie describes as Off-Broadway Lion King. Accurate! Just as her dreadlocks suggest she would, Thorgy grooves on this performance. Four out of five Hakuna Matatas.

Thorgy plays her precious violin and does a cartwheel. Aja looks like she having a stroke listening. One broken violin string and a dead mom.

Aja comes out to lipsync and dance and have multiple costume reveals and jump off a platform into the splits. Everyone is v. impressed. Eight out of ten inexplicable samurai swords.

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Kennedy dances and turns all sorts of stunts, including somehow jumping onto Aja’s platform. It basically defies logic. Ten out of ten trips to the chiropractor.

Bencelacreme gives a hilarious tassel spinning burlesque dance with multiple fake bras. This bit just gets better as it goes along. It is super well crafted. Twelve out of ten pasties.

Chi Chi DeVanye brings great shame to my house when she twirls a fucking baton while wearing beat up jazz shoes. Her wig looks like shit and she’s wearing green. Zero out of a million everythings, plus shame bell.

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Morgan lip syncs and dances but mostly she seems to taunt the other girls while her wig disintegrates. Seven out of nine crazy eyes.

Trixie dresses like a gingham Dolly Parton and actually sings her own song while strumming some sort of instrument. It’s beautiful and I love it forever. That is talent! Everything out of everything forever!

Milk pretends to be a paper doll and does a fashion dance. I’m in agreement with Kennedy. 300 out of 500 hundred cricket chirps.

Trixie, Kennedy, Thorgy, Shangela, Milk, and Bebe are safe. Aja and Ben are the tops, and Morgan and Chi Chi are in the bottom. They return to the workroom to deliberate, and it becomes clear that Ben is very concerned about Morgan’s promise to eliminate the biggest competitor. Ben really wants to follow the judges’ critiques but no one is jumping on that boat. The tops confer with the bottoms, and Chi Chi seems as defeated as Roxxxy after her tenth time in the bottom. There are so many mixed messages flying around, which I think is a Ben thing. She really is not sure of what she’s doing. Aja actually comes across as a bit more generous when she’s talking to the girls, but Morgan keeps saying that she was not used to lip-syncing to her own track? I mean, that’s not much of an excuse. Morgan sticks to her guns about sending the strongest girl home, but when pleading her case, she falls back on the judges’ harsher remarks about Chi Chi. Again, mixed messages!

I’m not sure I agree with Ben, but I know I don’t agree with Morgan. Again, Aja comes across as more honest, suggesting that she’s going to follow her heart and make her own decisions. Who knew I’d come to appreciate Aja?

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The tops lipsync to Nicki Minaj's Anaconda. Aja does her frenetic thing, but Bendelacreme fucking nails it. She’s so funny and lively. She has Ru and Michelle in stitches. Ben gets to eliminate someone, and she blathers a bit but basically says she’s sending Morgan home because she said she’d send the strongest competitor home? I don’t know--it’s confusing. But Morgan is going home, which is happy for me because I like Chi Chi and I hope she wakes up.

Morgan is giving her goodbye speech when Ru pops up on the screen to reference Handmaid’s Tale again. Chad and Alaska, in their Handmaid’s drag, creepy twin sneak up on Morgan. We’re headed to our queens returning, no doubt.

GLAM CIRCLE JERKS (RHOBH RECAP)

GLAM CIRCLE JERKS (RHOBH RECAP)

WHAT'S THE DEAL WITH THOSE SKINNY TASTE BAGELS

WHAT'S THE DEAL WITH THOSE SKINNY TASTE BAGELS