GLAM CIRCLE JERKS (RHOBH RECAP)
“I hope Ken Todd (Vanderpump) unbuttons his shirt in the first scene of RHOBH and shoves adorable puppies against his sagging chest,” said no one ever. And yet, on last night’s episode, that’s what we got. Ken and Lisa rescued a batch of tiny puppies from a hoarder and brought them to their dog adoption-luxury-boutique-agency-thingy and Ken just rubbed them all over his torso like a new mom doing skin-to-skin. Lisa and Ken are traumatized because they backed out of a business deal with some lady who runs a different dog adoption agency and now she’s suing Ken for alleged assault, which is BS. That’s upsetting, sure, but not as upsetting as witnessing Ken--a poor man’s Rod Stewart--breast nuzzle these pooches. Ow, my retinas are detaching!
Dorit and Erika test drive a $3 million Bugatti, which Dorit is “considering” purchasing for PK’s 50th birthday (she can’t afford it.) I didn’t know a human potato kebab ever lived to 50 so mazel tov, PK. You’re a gross potato man who will live forever. Also Dorit is wearing a “We Should all Be Feminists” t-shirt, so feminism is officially dead.
Kyle is visiting the production room at her show, American Woman, inspired by her childhood, not to be confused with “based on her childhood,” because her sisters are still so mad that she created a show exploiting their childhoods. Kyle remarks how the show is just like her childhood, but also not at all like her childhood. Hear that Richards Sisters. PLEASE LOVE KYLE AGAIN. Alicia Silverstone is playing her mom and I’m reminded that my childhood was all about “Clueless” and now I’m old and probably gonna die before PK, the potato kebab.
Meanwhile, Harry Hamlin and Lisa Rinna chat about their daughter moving to New York to model but all I can focus on are Harry Hamlin’s coordinated puca shell necklace and bracelets. Why does he wear this ridiculous jewelry? Is he contractually obligated? Does he play bongos and listen to Phish? Did he wear that necklace under his suit on Mad Men? I miss the entire spousal conversation because I’m rapt by the pucas.
Teddi hosts a “Glam Circle” party (so the ladies can get facials and daydrink) and she invites Dorit over early to discuss the fact that Dorit was an hour late to drinks and then lied about it. Dorit denies ever being late. She then complains that Teddi gave her champagne in a rosé glass and rosé in a champagne glass and that no one will be touching her face, especially not Teddi’s hoi polloi facialist. Maybe Dorit lost her manners under that scarecrow wig she’s sporting.
Despite Dorit sapping all happiness out of every shot she’s in, the ladies show up and have a good time, mostly. Camille is mid-facial when Dorit scurries over, like a vampire who sucks joy out of victims, to apologize for calling Camille a c**t among other things when she was very drunk. Camille is like “I just want to relax” and Dorit is like “I know when I’m wrong and that’s never except for right now so here’s a half-assed apology in a half-assed accent. Tata for now. God save the Queen”.
All in all it’s pretty lame party but I learned a valuable lesson. And that is that I’m the type of person who will drink champagne or rosé in whatever vessel is available, even Ken’s sunken chest.