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Our thumbs are basically numb from texting back and forth 24/7 about everything we love (AND HATE) that's happening on our televisions, iPads, and eye glasses (hi, we think we're funny) and we thought WHY NOT SHARE THIS JOY WITH THE WORLD?!  

WHAT'S IN THE STARS FOR ALL STARS THREE? (RPDR PREVIEW)

WHAT'S IN THE STARS FOR ALL STARS THREE? (RPDR PREVIEW)

Kitty girls! We are less than 24 hours away from a new season of RuPaul’s Drag Race All Stars 3! Hooray! Let’s speculate on the season.

Elimination Format

I’m curious but also certain that Ru will stick to the “Lipsync for Your Legacy / Lipstick Eliminations” of All Stars 2. There’s lots of great reasons for this: 1) it makes for great drama and 2) Ru takes no heat for eliminating these fan favorites. She gets to keep her beautifully manicured hands clean. I just finished rewatching All Stars 2, and when Detox eliminated Alyssa instead of Roxxxxxy, who’d been in the bottom every time except the first episode, Ru’s jaw dropped. Like, for real. Clearly Alyssa should have made it to the final four, and while she wouldn’t have won anyway, just imagine what buffoonery we would have witnessed in her rap.

Shady Ape of the Season

Who's going to be the villain? All Stars 1 is notable for its overall lack of villainy. Everyone loves each other so much that there’s no room for bitchery. Pandora Boxx becomes her own worse enemy when she completely gives up after being paired with Mimi Imfurst, but that’s pretty much it. If anything, the team concept makes Ru the villain, especially when she forces Raven and Jujubee to lipsync against each other and me to cry hysterically every time I watch it or hear that Robyn song or even see a broken bottle.

Of course, season two of All Stars made up for that in spades, with the most villainous villain to ever squirm into my eye line, Phi Phi O’Hare. Phi is just a fucking monster, actively sabotaging girls left and right, shit talking, and being so damned unpleasant. It’s interesting to see that she never went after Alaska, probably because she was too afraid of her. This bitch did not get her redemption edit AT ALL! After Phi fled, Alaska became the brat snake she apparently is as she lost her shit when she was in the bottom. You could argue that the tyranny of RoLaskaTox was another villain. But probably it’s mostly Phi and then that terrible wig Alaska wears in the makeover challenge.

So, who is it going to be this time? My money is on Morgan McMichaels. In case you don’t remember the dark ages when Merle Ginsberg was a judge, Morgan fucking loves confrontation. Her fight with Mystique brought us the immortal: “Bitch, I am from Chicago.” She mixes it up with Tyra Sanchez, America’s Sweetheart. She’s just mean as hell. She increases meanness around her, making Raven real bitchy for most of her season. Morgan is a Gemini, so expect two-facedness.

The black horse--I mean dark horse--villain here is Thorgy Thor. I love Thorgy! I think she’s great! But she’s also a Type A perfectionist who wants to win everything. Girlfriend is petty as f, and she is also bitter as more f. As her season progressed, Thorgy got more and more dark and resentful. Some of that was New York competition and her love/hate for the dominant Bob the Drag Queen, but let’s not forget that she also declared a vendetta against Chi Chi DeVayne, who happens to be returning this season as well. Thorgy is also a Gemini!

Kennedy Davenport has some evil potential, but I don’t condone her as being necessarily villainous without a partner in crime like Ginger Minj or Jasmine Masters. She’s a Virgo, and I just can’t with them.

There’s one more potential Slytherin on this list: motherfucking Shangela. Shangela gives me the agita. She is just such a fucking pot stirring brat. It’s a bit of a shame that Phi and Shangela were never on TV together at the same time, because they have a lot in common: they love undermining people, shit talking, and terrible wigs. Man, Shangela just gets up my nose. I fully expect Shangela and Morgan to go at it. Shangela might be shooting for a Grown Ass Woman edit, as she was a drag baby her first and second time around, but I wouldn’t count on it. Shangela is a Sagittarius like yours truly, but she’s real cuspy with Scorpio, the most vindictive sign.

Category is: Flameout

One would hope that these girls have their shit together. That really is the point of All Stars, after all. But we might see some bad behavior anyway. Big money is on Milk (not my favorite beverage nor queen.) I know that some people have an appreciation for Milk, but I’m pretty intolerant. (WAH WAH). I feel certain this bitch will do something she thinks is cool and avant garde and it will be terrible and I will hate it. Milk is a Cancer, so expect sensitivity and moodiness.

But hey, we also have Aja! Princess Disastah herself! She was pretty bratty in her season and she has some entitlement issues. Maybe she’ll really make a mess of things. Aja is a Capricorn, so she’s bound to make things more complicated than they need to be.

Ben de la Creme also has some flameout potential. I was really surprised when she was announced, as I had read an interview in which she compared returning to Drag Race with going back to Hell. If she is still reluctant to be there, I could see her jumping on a grenade in a spectacular way. This Libra craves balance and is an egomaniac (just ask Darienne Lake.)

Surprise, Bitch

There’s going to be a surprise tenth queen, to be revealed on the show. As much as I wish it were Ongina or Katya (I always root for Katya to be the surprise queen), I’m fairly sure I was spoiled by some Reddit Drag Race nerds about who it really is. I’m not going to say it here, but there is info out in the world wide web.

Winner, Winner, Chicken Dinner

Here’s the absolute truth: I suck at picking America’s Next Drag Superstar. Aside from Bob the Drag Queen and maybe Jinxx Monsoon, I’ve never rooted for the actual winner. My favorites are always the second place sisters: Adore, Katya (forever and ever), Jujubee, Nina Flowers. I liked Sasha Velour a lot, but I’ve become so used to my own poor instincts for a winner that I decided Shea Coulee was going to take it. So take my hot take for what it's worth, which is basically nothing.

Trixie Mattel is my number one, hands down, odds on favorite to win. I was lukewarm to Trixie in her season, but I became devoted to her after watching Unhhhhhhhhhhh with Trixie and Katya on YouTube. When I came home from my father’s funeral last year, I sat in front of the TV and watched Unhhhhhhhh until one in the morning. Trixie is hilarious for real. She’s also a really talented singer/songwriter--if you like country music even a little, you should listen to her album Two Birds. Trixie is also the only contestant to be profiled in GQ! I feel like a Trixie win would help all of us Katya fangirls reconcile her loss in All Stars 2. Trixie is Virgo, which would usually make me say “yuck,” but she’s very cuspy with Leo and I love Leos. This bitch is organized to win!

My other favorite is Chi Chi DeVayne. Our cheap queen has hopefully paid off her credit card debt and is ready to be brand loyal to her foundation. Chi Chi can dance. She can craft outfits. And SHE CAN LIPSYNC HER MOTHERFUCKING ASS OFF. The “And I Am Telling You I’m Not Going” lipsync against Thorgy is my all time favorite. That shit is magical. When those beads break, you can see Thorgy realizing she’s going home. Just go and watch it right now.

...Now that you’re back, I can tell you that Chi Chi is a Libra. In fact, she and Ben dela Creme share a birthday! Weird!

You already know I suck at this. Here’s what may happen: Shangela. It is a known fact that Ru has bottomless love for Shangela, and Ru is willing to give someone in whom she sees great potential many, many chances. This is Shangela’s last chance, and she’s going to run with it. I just want to say to Ru: stop trying to make Shangela happen. BUT WHAT IF SHE WINS? I can’t stand it! I’m going to freak out!

I’ll be recapping All Stars 3 right here at Heauxs. Look for me on Fridays! In the meantime, keep it foxy!

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