CAN I GET LIKE 3 MORE WATERS? (RHOA RECAP)
Porsha is raising money and donations for Houston in the aftermath of Hurricane Harvey. The other girls were invited and were like “hard pass”, but Shamea calls Porsha to offer help. If you don’t remember, Porsha hates Shamea because Shamea was like, “You’re my best friend and I’d really like you to come to my wedding.”
Porsha takes Shamea up on her offer help but also is still super mad at her for not accepting that Porsha can’t fly via plane to her wedding due to her mysterious fainting disease that doesn’t happen all those other times she flies places. Anyway, Porsha sends a couple of semi-trucks to Houston with a bunch of supplies, so her charity seems legit.
Cythia and a FUZZY HAT meet Kandi for dinner.
Wait, is it really fuzzy? Or just textured so that it looks fuzzy? I can’t wrap my mind around it. Kenya was also supposed to be at this meeting but couldn’t make it because she has a husband.
Cynthia and Kandi talk about how non-sensical NeNe’s elephant party was. Cynthia says that she’s doing a Houston charity thing too and invites Kandi to come, but Kandi can’t because she’s already donated 20K and Riley is going to completely stop talking to her if she’s gone another weekend. Also, Kandi says she, “…will not go down the street with Porsha let alone go to Houston with her.” Kenya also can’t come to Cynthia’s event and Cynthia is bummed bummed bummed. It’s almost as if Kenya is a shitty friend or something.
Shereé’s getting another Tyrone jail call. He asks her if she’s fed chunky, which is what he calls her ass. Is that great or is that awful? I mean, I’m all for men celebrating women’s bodies and enjoying a big ass, but isn’t it controlling and weird to ask your woman to gain weight in a specific place because it sexually excites you? Like, this is just the flip side of asking her to lose some weight. I’m ready to make a ruling: asking your girlfriend to grow her ass is PROBLEMATIC. Shereé tells Tyrone about the Pachyderm Party and how NeNe is saying that Tyrone, a man currently sitting in prison because he was convicted of conning people, is a con artist. Tyrone says that NeNe shouldn’t talk about him ever because now he’s going to tell everyone how she tried to get with Tyrone when they first met, while she was still with Gregg, and how she invited him to the set of The Celebrity Apprentice. And, how is that a romantic gesture? I’m pretty sure that if you ever set foot on the set of that show your body just goes ahead and destroys your reproductive system.
Cynthia, Mal, Porsha, and Lauren arrive in Houston. They do an event where they hand out supplies to hurricane victims and a woman tells them that she’s living on hugs because everything else is gone. HUG HER HARDER.
Shamea shows up and Porsha is like, “Hello! Thank you for coming! We are still in a fight.”
Kandi goes driving with Riley and her super quiet voice. They argue about whether Riley should drive on the right side of the street or not and like, yes, for sure, you should, how is this an argument.
They drive for like five minutes and then they go back home because Kandi is stressed out, and then Block, Riley’s dad, calls to ruin everyone’s day. He says that he wants to take her out for her birthday and she says “Mmm hmmm.” Then they get inside, away from the cameras, and Riley bursts into tears. She is just crying and crying and Kandi is saying, “Riley, what’s wrong?” and Todd is like, “Riley, what’s wrong?” and Ace is like “You guys she obviously hates her father the most and doesn’t want anything to do with him because he’s the person who has hurt her the most in the whole world but now she’s supposed to just like go get nachos with him like it’s cool when it’s not cool, it’s not cool at all, but she’s still a kid so she can’t say this so you guys need to protect her from this stuff, especially while she’s on camera,” but it comes out as “Riley!”
Porsha goes on a local radio show called “The Box” to promo her event. Why would you call your radio station that it sounds like a place where you keep your weed or people you’ve kidnaped or that Amazon order you keep meaning to return. Point is: not inspiring. Porsha then calls Cynthia to coordinate and Cynthia says that Porsha’s still in her phone under her old married name which goes to show that Cynthia and Porsha have not called each other in 4 years.
Cynthia’s event is a charity concert where the goal is lift spirts and not so much to raise money and that seems...fine? But also, not the most practical thing considering the circumstances? Can we do music AND be useful? No? Porsha’s there and her Texas tassel earrings are not OK.
Cynthia and Mal do an announcement to start the show and Mal’s hips are like comic book level amazing.
After the show, it’s all selfies and chilling until Kenya shows up late AF but ready to make it all about her. She tells us, “A lot of people don’t know but I lived in Houston for a short while.” Kenya, for real, why the fuck would anyone know that? And, more importantly, why the fuck would anyone care? That question is never coming up at my bar trivia league. NEVER.
Porsha and Shamea tuck into bed to have a girl talk. Shamea acknowledges that she hurt Porsha’s feelings and Porsha doesn’t change at all and then they forgive each other and bed wrestle.
Kenya is, who just showed up 20 minutes ago, is now also throwing an event. She leaves her dogs alone in a hotel room and I don’t know why I hate that so much but I do. They’re going to poop on everything and also be lonely! Why did you even take them with you?
Cynthia decides that she’s going to Kenya’s event and may stop by Porsha’s if she has time and Porsha is a little bit hurt. And that is a bullshit move but also it shows that Cynthia for real does not like Porsha at all.
Kandi goes to see Block and he asks her if she wants a co-co and I’m like OMG he’s making her hot chocolate that is so sweet but it’s just a weird name for a Coke booo. They talk about Riley and Block, per usual, doesn’t get why it’s such a big deal that he abandoned and emotionally traumatized his daughter, but the real news here is this nose contour Kandi has in her new confessional look. It is BANANAS.
Porsha’s event in Houston vs. Kenya’s event in Houston! Porsha’s event has a decorating scheme and a line and a step-and-repeat and food and prizes and seems legit. Kenya’s event is her showing up to help clean out people’s houses with Habitat for Humanity and would be happening if she didn’t exist. So, like, smaller-scale. Porsha is planning on feeding 400 people, Kenya is planning on getting the drywall down in a family room. I don’t really see how these two things are in any way comparable.
Turns out that “The Box” has a bigger reach than I thought because waaaay more than 400 people show up to Porsha’s event, 2000+ people show up and they run out of food. Porsha cries about it while she should be ordering pizza, but they get more food in there eventually so it works out.
Shamea goes to Kenya’s “event” to rep for her and Porsha. She calls Kenya like, “You’re inside a house which house is it?” and Kenya is like, “I’M TOO BUSY YELLING AT THE OTHER WOMEN THAT THEY DON’T GET A WATER BREAK TO TELL YOU AN ADDRESS ASK SOMEONE ELSE I SAID GOOD DAY.” Shamea finds the house and tells Kenya that Porsha has a donation for her organization and Kenya is like I don’t want to talk about that right now instead I want to be rude as fuck.
After helping people all day, the woman meet up to have dinner, and you can tell it’s been A DAY because they pick a restaurant where you have to order at the counter my gawd they really are tired. At dinner, Lauren calls Cynthia out for not coming to Porsha’s event after Porsha came to hers and Cynthia is like, “I did the earlier thing with you guys and also I don’t care.” Shamea says that Cynthia has a good heart but Kenya has the heart of a rude ass bitch. Kenya shows up so late that the kitchen is closed so she orders a water, and I’m sure that at this establishment you get up and get your own water but sure, go ahead and demand something unreasonable of a stranger, make yourself feel right at home. Shamea said that at Kenya’s event, “She made it look easy but she made it feel hard.” Shamea goes on to tell Kenya how she was rude to her and Kenya interrupts her a million times to order additional waters from the man whose job is not to bring people water, because she is JUST SO THIRSTY.
Shamea is like are you dismissing me and Kenya is like don’t worry about it because I am completely dismissing you.
Cynthia tells Shamea to go ahead and speak her truth and Shamea starts to but then Kenya gets up and leaves, yelling that she’s leaving because she’s a married woman. I bet she yells that during everything that she does: “I’m getting this oil change because I have HUSBAND who LOVES ME.”
Kenya goes to the bathroom and has a melt down with a producer. You guys, the person who produces Kenya needs to get paid like twice as much as the other producers because that bitch WORKS. Kenya says that Flat Baby Marc would have made her leave the table if he was there. And, guys, is he a husband or a cult leader? Your husband shouldn’t “make” you do a fucking thing.
Kenya yells and swears and leaves the restaurant so she can go back to her hotel room and ask housekeeping to come pick up the dog shit. Cynthia tries to talk to her but Kenya rolls up the window on Cynthia and drives away and CYNTHIA GET NEW FRIENDS.