BREAKING: MEN ARE GARBAGE (BACHELOR RECAP)
We kick off this week with Peter Pan swimming in the pool. Sorry, I'm old and can't remember a damned thing so I always assign nicknames to the contestants. Call her Peter Pan or call her Bekah M ... she's acting like a 12 year old but I'm here for it because WTF else are you supposed to do in a mansion? Should she sit with these other girls and pretend to be a grownup??? Nah, dude. It's hilarious actually, we've got mountains, shots of the mansion, trees, tons of beautiful scenery all over the place ... and then splish splash Peter Pan is in the pool giving us "it's my eighth birthday realness."
It's gorgeous, does the Bachelor need a middle aged intern, because I might be able to squeeze that in my life if asked. While we're watching Peter Pan have a swimming contest with herself, we cut to these jealous mean girls inside gossiping about how there's a 14 year age difference between Arie and Peter Pan. I get it. It's a lot, for sure. BUT LIKE ... I understand math girls, y'all might want to let this one go. At least Peter is having fun, all y'all are doing is working on a remake of Death Becomes Her.
Chris comes in and tells the ladies there will be no date today. It's a total fake out because Ari has already left LA.
SHOCK AND AWE SHOCK AND AWE SHOCK AND AWE!
So there will be no dates in LA ... they'll be in South Lake Tahoe, silly.
I hope I do get that internship with this show because I'll quickly be promoted to writing jokes that don't make us all want to die. Oh, yeah, PS ... that was supposed to be a joke? How hokey do we need to pretend to be? THE 1950's are over, ABC! GAH.
The ladies will be traveling to South Lake Tahoe, which PS BY THE WAY is incredibly annoying to type. There's a lot of screaming (and not just from me) because these women do what the director says and they do it well and we're off to South Lake Tahoe.
TYRA MAIL (I think I'm funny) shows up almost instantly. The note from Arie says, "Seinne, let's let our love soar." There's screaming again, and suddenly Arie is there to chat with everyone as he comes for his date. Somebody is obsessed with showing us what Arie's driving each episode, so we see a giant red truck/jeep thing drive away from the house. I don't remember another bachelor ever driving this much, is this necessary and also does he even know where he's going? I guess he's got Waze on his phone or whatever, but like it's weird right? We know he's a race car driver, no need to drill it into our heads, friends. WE GET IT. Bitch can drive.
Then everyone's favorite contestant ... Crystal ... wishes Seinne good luck and reminds America that ONE OF THE LAURENS went on a date last week and didn't come back. She must know I forget everything. Thanks, boo boo! Crystal. What is her deal? She's been creeping around for the last couple weeks with her whispers and sex phone operator voice. I'm gonna go ahead and say Crystal is probably America's next favorite serial killer. She's got the crazy eyes, wild hair, and fur accessories to go with it, so that's it, that's her name now ... she's ... The Serial Killer.
Speaking of coo coo ... the women are out on the porch oooohing and ahhhhing as they check out South Lake Tahoe with binoculars. It's ... extra porny. I know this show leans porny, but this binocular business is straight up House of Hef. Like each lady has her own pair of binoculars and they're falling all over each other? They end up seeing a boat with a couple parasailing. OF COURSE this is Arie on his date. We flash over to their date and they're having champs in the woods like you do and they're chatting.
The date is SO exciting (that's sarcasm, friends) that we cut back to the house and see Maquel on the phone. She’s talking to her mom and finds out her grandpa has died. See? That date is so rad we had to kill a grandpa. She packs up her things and leaves. So now there’s 14 girls? OR … maybe she’ll come back? I love my grandpa, but can’t they hold the funeral for a couple days? They’ve got freezers for dead grandpas, right? I'd be like ... NAH MOMMA IM ON TV, PAPAW'S GOTTA WAIT.
It's sad, but who can stay sad when THERE'S MORE TYRA MAIL!? The note invites A GIANT group of girls gets invited on a group date. Like more people than I can type. Is it everyone on the show? This is weird, right? So many people. ALL THE WOMEN. I mean I guess is EVERYBODY except for Seinne? LOL Now I'm obsessed, I probably should have paid more attention, but who's not going on this group date other than me and my mom? The note says, “Will our love survive?” Let me help you out, Arie. NOPE.
Our friend The Serial Killer agrees with me 100%. She reminds us AGAIN that Peter Pan is 14 years younger than Arie. He’s looking for a woman, not a girl, y’all. Thanks, Killer. You're always there for us when we forget what's really happening.
Oh shit. The one on one with Seinne is still happening I almost forgot. Yale (Hi, I love nicknames) is basically interviewing Ari. It’s a little intense, actually. She didn’t see many love stories with people who look like her when she was growing up. I mean of course he gives her a rose, she’s smart and beautiful, but they don’t seem to have much in the way of chemistry. He says AMAZING a lot and she talks about the crashing water. Also? She has a robot vocal rhythm, I'm not making that up am I? Then when you're about to fall asleep because this dude is maybe the lamest (I MEAN, RIGHT?) ... one of those BACHELOR things happens, where this whole date walks into a room where a concert is already in progress and they walk right in and then up onto stage and dance in front of a crowd of people. It's totally normal, and everyone looks comfortable like this isn't the weirdest shit that has ever happened. I'm also probably supposed to know who this band is, but I only listen to Beyonce, so sorry 'bout it.
It's the next day and we're on the GIANT group date. It looks like they're hiking? They're walking through the woods, but we're supposed to call that hiking, right? We walk up to a super intense Marine and his Australian wife. YAYYY ACCENTS (eyeroll emoji). These two are going to teach everyone survival skills? Sounds fun and informative until we get the first assignment. Everyone has to pee in their water canisters and be prepared to drink it. This is to show you can both survive the wild AND that you're willing to do anything to get Arie. So ... he's into water sports? This feels a little over the top and like a bad idea gone super lame. The Bachelor gotta THE BACHELOR though. Always with these weird moments. Once everyone has peed Arie goes first and takes a big swig from his canister while holding his nose.
EWWWWWWWWW ... JK JK JK YOU GUYS. IT'S APPLE JUICE. HA HA HA.
SLOW CLAP, The Bachelor. SLOW. MF. CLAP.
Honestly. I might be to cynical to watch this show. I'm ready to punch somebody. Next everyone has to eat worms. This is a mess. Isn't there a whole show devoted to doing this weird junk on like the SciFi Channel or something? I don't like this kind of pretend. If I have to sit here and watch them walk logs or wrestle bears I'm going to cry. Serial Killer Crystal is not having this Jr. High junk either. Who can blame her! What is this, an after school special? The woodland shenanigans end pretty quickly and everyone gets a backpack and to hike to a new location. So now we’re Wilderness Girls and this is Troop Beverly Hills. Finally, something fun. Except it's over before it really begins. These girls might be too lame to give us real drama in the woods so some smart producer saved us from that mess. Thank you, Mr. Producer. WHAT A MESS.
The teams slowly make it to the final destination … which is some bougie camp situation complete with an outdoor hot tub. The ladies mostly have a good attitude about the whole thing, except our buddy the Serial Killer who is feeling super cranky because she's having to share her Arie with other ladies. She's in the hot tub, but is keeping herself separate from the group and watches like she might eat everyone in a few minutes. She's also over this SUPER juvenile day (ME TOO, GIRL). It's stupid. WAHHHH. She’s hilarious and I love her, never change Serial Killer … never change.
The ladies settle into the lodge and start pulling Arie away for mini-dates. Serial Killer takes her moment with Arie because OF COURSE SHE FUCKING DOES ... girl has ZERO chill. She gets all emotional and whispery about how hard it is for her since she had one of the first one on one dates and now the other girls hate her. Focus on yourself, Mamma. There’s some almost tears, and they keep cutting back to the other women who want to light Serial Killer on fire. I know there has to be a little drama and you know I'm here for DRAMA ... but this is pretty lame. I need this girl to crank it up a notch and eat a live chicken and give me something to watch. It’s pretty clear Serial Killer is this season’s Corinne, so this dirt bag will obviously drag her with him to the very end.
This girl clearly thinks she's on Real Housewives of Orange County because the minute she's done with Arie she sets up a meeting with Tia and Caroline. She wants her clear the air moment and needs them to know her feelings are hurt, but wants to make it better. They sorta talk this out, but it's clear that these girls want nothing to do with her BS. This pushes Tia (MY GIRL FROM ARKANSAS YASSS) to go to Arie and talk which ends up getting her the rose of the night.
BLAMO ... It’s the next day and Peter Pan meets up with Arie for their one on one … like she runs at him like a child when she sees him … of course she does, since she’s 14 years younger than him, remember?? Running and jumping, that's what super young people do. They love that shit. Peter and Arie go horseback riding, and end up at a hot tub outside BECAUSE THIS IS THE BACHELOR AND WE GOTTA GET IN A MF HOT TUB. Hot tubs are dumb. Don't @ me.
Peter Pan and Arie have dinner and she tells him her age. She’s 22 … which we all already know because this is ALLLLLLLL the ladies in the house have been talking about. I wanna throw Peter Pan off a mountain because she’s young and gorgeous and really this whole mess is is never gonna work but mostly so I can steal her faux fur coat (AND GIANT HOOP EARRINGS). I can't hate her though, even though she's about 3 days old. She's cute AF and ain't about the drama, so suddenly she's my favorite (MAYBE, DONT GET EXCITED). They talk about their age difference, Arie is open about how it freaks him out but then he gives her the rose anyway because men are trash, and why make a decision that makes any damned sense.
Then it’s Rose Ceremony Night! The ladies march over to some lodge/cabin/mansion (where do they find these places). They’re talking about their anxiety and Serial Killer is going on about how she feels attacked (PS I don’t work at Vidal Sassoon … but her hair is a damned mess in this scene). Chris comes in and tells us there is no cocktail party, because Arie has already made up his mind. Yeah, why does anyone need extra time, I’d be like GET THIS SERIAL KILLER BISH OUTTA MY MANSION IN THE WOODS, Y'ALL.
Just as Arie is about to give out his first rose our girl Serial Killer asks for a minute of his time. OF COURSE SHE DOES. This is her most favorite thing to do other than sound like she's gonna have phone sex with everyone in the room. Girl, this is why these other women hate yo ass. You're a punk! They go off together for a minute and she whispers a lot. LORD. It's the lamest! Will she say or will she go!?!?!? We go back to the Rose Ceremony and it’s all high drama, big eyes, and spooky music as usual, but then this bitch gives Serial Killer a rose because what would this show be without terrible choices.