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Hi.

Our thumbs are basically numb from texting back and forth 24/7 about everything we love (AND HATE) that's happening on our televisions, iPads, and eye glasses (hi, we think we're funny) and we thought WHY NOT SHARE THIS JOY WITH THE WORLD?!  

SHE NAMED THAT BABY CHICAGO WEST (THOTS & PRAYERS FOR HEAUXS)

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Well, surely you've heard the news by now. Don't act like you don't know what I'm talking about. It's Friday afternoon and I know you're shopping on Etsy and avoiding those spreadsheets until Monday afternoon. It's time to look me in the eyes, I need to talk and I need to talk to you right meow. KIM NAMED THAT BABY CHICAGO. Don't say KIM WHO, I will reach out of this screen and slap your teeth down your throat, don't back talk your mother ... THIS IS NOT THE TIME TO PLAY GAMES.

I'm talking about Kim Kardashian West, fool. Kim Kardashian of KEEPING UP WITH THE KARDASHIANS. Kim Kardashian of KKW BEAUTY. Kim Kardashian of WHEN IS YOUR 15 MINUTES UP MY SISTER. Kim Kardashian of I am famous for being famous and I made a sex tape and I probably have ass implants, and I was robbed at gunpoint in Paris, and my husband dresses me like a doll, and right now I'm either wearing a white wig or maybe I bleached my hair I don't wanna talk about it, and WHY DO I KNOW SO MUCH ABOUT THIS HEAUX.

I'm all for a free world where you can have as many abortions as your heart desires, fuck every person from here to Buenos Aires without a shred of guilt, and wear as much lycra as you can stretch across your ass ... you can dance down the street with your balls out for all I care ... BE WHO YOU ARE FRIEND ... but I draw the line at naming your baby Chicago. AND IT'S A DARK LINE. A BOLD ONE. MADE WITH MY OWN BLOOD.

CHICAGO? You know I love Chicago. I live in MF Chicago. I put up with Chicago's nasty, busted ass weather every year, so don't come at me with your Chicago sensitivity. CHICAGO IS THE MURDER CAPITOL OF THE UNIVERSE. Chicago is a racist toilet bowl. Chicago is not a name for a person. CHICAGO IS A TYPE OF WILD GARLIC (look it up I would never lie to you). WHAT. We do not need this nonsense. We already have too many shows about us on the TV. We can barely pay our teachers, and who knows if the water we're drinking everyday is full of cancer. What are we supposed to even do with this mess.

From what the internet is telling me right now, this poor abused child will go by the nickname “Chi,” pronounced “shy,” similar to the refrain in Kanye’s hit song, “Homecoming.”

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

OMG. THIS IS SO EMBARRASSING.

DOES ANYONE EVEN KNOW THAT SONG? DOES ANYONE EVEN CARE?

GD.

THIS ISN'T YOUR MF YEAR BOOK DUDES. THIS IS A REAL ASS PERSON. A REAL ASS PERSON WHO IS GOING TO HATE YOUR SELF ABSORBED ASS IN ABOUT 10 MINUTES. WHAT ARE YOU DOING.

I can't calm down about this one. Every single tiny thing in our world is a hot mess right now. WHY IS EVERYONE BEING SO EXTRA? I need something stable to hold myself steady. I need some basic order in the universe, and I need it RIGHT MF now. I would like my president to stop lying about every single damned thing, I would like someone to stop bringing back every TV show and movie from the 1990's, AND I WOULD LIKE CHILDREN TO HAVE SIMPLE NAMES THAT MAKE ANY GODDAMNED SENSE.

Listen, I'm down with a wild and crazy celebrity moment. I appreciate how y'all all have more money than you have sense. Buy yourself a house and fill it with cheese and eat your way out, get your island, boo ... but this giving your baby a janky-ass name trend has got to stop. All this does is help me forgive Gwyneth Paltrow for naming her kid "APPLE" ... no ... JK ... IM STILL ANGRY ABOUT THAT ONE TOO. In fact, this is probably GP's fault. I think I speak for all of Chicago when I say, "Thank you for your consideration, my Heauxs, but no thank you. We're all stocked up on crazy here and we got enough to deal with. Try another door." We already have our own pizza, we don't need a damned baby.

GIRL. BYE.

 

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