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Hi.

Our thumbs are basically numb from texting back and forth 24/7 about everything we love (AND HATE) that's happening on our televisions, iPads, and eye glasses (hi, we think we're funny) and we thought WHY NOT SHARE THIS JOY WITH THE WORLD?!  

JEREMY, YOU IGNORANT SLUT (CHICAGO WEST PART 2)

JEREMY, YOU IGNORANT SLUT (CHICAGO WEST PART 2)

Everybody calm down. I said calm down! The Kardashian Wests have brought another precious life into the world and have named her Chicago. AND THAT IS FINE.

First off, if you think for one second that Kim named this child, you are out of your goddamned mind. If Kim had named any of the children they would have been Kim 2, Kanye 2, and Kalabasas. One person named this child and that person is Kanye. And if you know me, or have taken freshman comp from me, then you know that I love Kanye. I’ll defend him to the bitter end, when President West is impeached in 2022. And then even after that.

Kanye loves Chicago the city. He probably already loves Chicago the child the most of all his kids. He also clearly loves geography, given that his first child is named North West. I recently did pub trivia and, come to find out, I suck at geography. I would love to have an asset like Kanye on my trivia team. I hope he considers this an open invitation.

Celebrities love giving babies terrible names. That is basically one of the perks of celebrity. Jeri Halliwell (the former Baby Spice) named her child Bluebell Madonna. David Bowie named his son Zowie Bowie! And we all know that David Bowie was a honest to God genius saint. Jason Bateman (that d-bag) named his kid Maple. Gwyneth named a child Apple, and I would bet a thousand dollars that she doesn’t love apples the food as much as Kanye loves Chicago the city.

Naming children after places is not uncommon. I regularly see Cheyannes, Dakotas, and Montanas on my class rosters. What about Brooklyns? Every kindergarten class in this nation has four Brooklyns in it. And some of those are probably Brooklins. So calm down about that.

As far as nicknames go, Chi (Shy) is not bad. You know what? It’s better than not bad. IT’S GREAT. I LOVE IT.

I’ve never been to Chicago except for O’Hare (and that was terrible) but some of my favorite people live there. Those people are great and they live in Chicago; therefore, Chicago must not be too bad. Otherwise, why would those people live there? From what I gather from social media, it’s super cold most of the time and pizza is basically the only food available. But it must have its charms. It’s a resilient city. One time a cow tried to burn it down, but did Chicago quit? NO. Chicago said, “FUCK YOU, COW. WE WILL REBUILD.”

I expect that Chicago the child will be similarly resilient. Let’s face it--she’ll have to be with a name like that, and with the parents she has. Maybe this is a “Boy Named Sue” scenario. She’ll have to be tough to be named after the murder capitol of the universe.

I, for one, welcome baby Chicago West into this mess of a world.   

BREAKING: MEN ARE GARBAGE (BACHELOR RECAP)

BREAKING: MEN ARE GARBAGE (BACHELOR RECAP)

SHE NAMED THAT BABY CHICAGO WEST (THOTS & PRAYERS FOR HEAUXS)