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Hi.

Our thumbs are basically numb from texting back and forth 24/7 about everything we love (AND HATE) that's happening on our televisions, iPads, and eye glasses (hi, we think we're funny) and we thought WHY NOT SHARE THIS JOY WITH THE WORLD?!  

A DAY LATE AND A DOLLAR SHORT-SHORTS (RHOBH RECAP)

A DAY LATE AND A DOLLAR SHORT-SHORTS (RHOBH RECAP)

You know a Real Housewives season is heating up when the entire arc of an episode revolves around punctuality. Whoo-whee this is some King Lear-level drama up in here.

The protagonist: Teddi Mellencamp, the accountability coach, who is just. so. prompt. It’s kinda her “thing”. And it’s kinda her only “thing.”

The antagonist: Dorit Kemsley, a woman whose hairstyles vacillate between Debbie Harry and Dumb and Dumber’s Harry Dunne. Dorit is launching a new swimwear line and it’s going to be red and fashion and beautiful and very international.

The setting: A generic overpriced restaurant.

Teddi arrives at 4pm sharp; the designated time that she and Dorit plan to meet for drinks. She sits alone for almost an hour until Dorit finally calls to say she’ll be another 20 minutes. Dorit didn’t even have the courtesy to reply to any of Teddi’s texts to say she would be late. Teddi leaves because she’d rather spend time with her kids than wait around for a blond wig with a mid-atlantic accent to saunter in and get sloshed on a chardonnay.

Teddi was ready to move on from this perturbing and VERY DRAMATIC incident until Dorit starts telling anyone who will listen that drinks were actually scheduled for 4:30pm (they weren’t) so she wasn’t really that late (she was). In this case, anyone who will listen is Kyle, who spent this episode travelling from restaurant to restaurant eating guacamole and ingurgitating then regurgitating salacious gossip about whether Dorit was late or not. Kyle shares with Dorit her bittersweet news that two new shows she’s developed are being purchased by networks but that she can’t share her joy with her sisters because they’re still pretty grumpy about having their childhoods exploited for her show “American Woman”.

Kyle weeps into her guac. The salty tears add a delicious umami flavor to her low-cal snack. She later shares with Teddi that Dorit claimed she wasn’t that that late and this news makes Teddi mad. I know the Kim and Taylor storylines of yore were really tragic but there has to be a middle ground between that and this afterschool PSA about respecting your friend’s time.

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Meanwhile, Lisa Rinna is in New York to fill in for Kelly on Live with Kelly and Ryan. Lisa reveals that when Kathy Lee left the show, she was a finalist to replace her and lost out to Kelly. But she loves Kelly and is totally fine with the outcome because she gets to spend more time with apathetic Harry Hamlin and her daughters who treat her like a garden gnome: something adorable but embarrassing that should live outside.

Please note the utter serendipity of Lisa and her stylist sporting the same hairstyle.

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Back in BH, Lisa Vanderpump has opened The Vanderpump Dog Foundation--a rescue center for Beverly Hills most underserved dogs. She and Ken were going to support an existing foundation called Save The Spot but withdrew support because things were “sketchy,” so they opened their own center. What was sketchy you ask? Lisa Rinna has the answer.

Lisa Rinna flies back to BH just to tell Kyle, Teddi, and Camille that Ken was accused of assaulting the owner of Save the Spot. No one believes this and this is gonna be another, “Lisa R heard it so she HAD to repeat it a la Munchausen's all over again”. Shoot me.

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Camille is still pissed that Dorit humiliated her in front of her new boyfriend at Kyle’s dinner last week. She thinks Dorit is a “bottomless pit of bullshit” and desperate for attention. Camille should win a Presidential Medal of Freedom for her incisive assessment of the walking accent with the everchanging hairdos. Andy Cohen, if you’re reading this, which of course you are, please make Camille a fulltime Housewife and move Dorit to Dallas. I don’t watch that one.

SHE NAMED THAT BABY CHICAGO WEST (THOTS & PRAYERS FOR HEAUXS)

ELEPHANTS AND MISSING NIPPLES (RHOA RECAP)

ELEPHANTS AND MISSING NIPPLES (RHOA RECAP)