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Hi.

Our thumbs are basically numb from texting back and forth 24/7 about everything we love (AND HATE) that's happening on our televisions, iPads, and eye glasses (hi, we think we're funny) and we thought WHY NOT SHARE THIS JOY WITH THE WORLD?!  

ELEPHANTS AND MISSING NIPPLES (RHOA RECAP)

ELEPHANTS AND MISSING NIPPLES (RHOA RECAP)

I missed recapping last week’s episode because I had this cold that was like all the snot in the world was in my right nostril and I was coughing so hard that I peed myself a little bit. So I was in no condition but, also, last week’s episode was kind of boring. There was lots of earnest talk about domestic violence which is very real and very serious and very not fun to write a bitchy recap about. But we did get two gifts:

1) We finally got to go into Marlo’s home!

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She both has a collection of Hermes boxes in the corner AND black taper candles. At first I thought she was going to give the ladies Hermes scarves as party gifts but then I realized that those boxes just sit there to remind people that she has things that cost money. Also, you can buy empty Hermes boxes on Etsy for $16.00.

2) We got NeNe’s new confessional look and I’ve thought about it a lot over the past week and decided that it’s the Night King on a Carnival Cruise.

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But now for this episode! We open on Porsha running lines with her assistant and they are incredibly unimaginative lines. Like, “You cheated on me! How could you do that? After all I did for you?” Like they were written by an 11 year old 30 minutes into Playwriting 101. Turns out that Porsha has been cast in the stage play version of Two Can Play That Game and all I want to know is why is that a thing who would buy a ticket to that. Also, Vivica A. Fox’s face on the poster is NUT BALLS.

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Shereé meets up for dinner with Kim’s right nipple.

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How is it physically possible that Kim’s nipple is not showing? I’m assuming that at least an inch of areola is out but she covered it with foundation.  

Shereé says that she and Kim have the best time when Shereé isn’t trying to kill her. And, you guys, can I pull off this haircut? Please say yes because I think it’s going to happen.

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Kim tells Shereé that she likes Porsha and also swears on her kids’ life Kandi offered her oral sex. Oh, um, OK. I mean, Kandi is bisexual where is the scandal I don’t see it. Also, this is a full-on pattern with Kandi. Like, maybe work up to offering to eat people out? Start with hand holding, see where the evening goes.  

Shereé tells Kim about Tyrone and Kim is like “you’re in love I can smell it in the air.” Meanwhile, Kim’s purse is a light bright.

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So I guess NeNe was supposed to come to this dinner but didn’t show up. They call her and NeNe says that she doesn’t want to come to dinner because there are too many elephants in the damn room. Basically, Kim came into NeNe’s house throwing things and yelling and not being invited and instead of telling Kim that she’s upset NeNe decided instead to fake accept a dinner invitation and then not show up and get a phone call asking where she is so she can be salty as fuck and mention elephants a million times.

Kim tells Shereé that Brielle also sent out a Snapchat of 24 cockroaches in NeNe’s bathtub which may also be why NeNe’s a bit upset. I mean, you think? That might be upsetting? Also, that is a large number of cockroaches. Shereé responds to this news by dying.

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Kim thinks that NeNe is unbalanced and like, yes, of course, welcome to the show that is why we all watch.

Cynthia is doing a back-to-school book drive for the children. And there’s a step-and-repeat and Cynthia is in overalls and what is this event what is the theme? “Mess! Bring some pens.”

Will shows up with some school supplies to donate but for real it’s just one composition notebook on top of an empty box.

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Kairo comes over to Shereé’s with groceries and a bag of charcoal to cook her dinner. And like he has the verbal dexterity of a sloth but also seems like a good kid. Tyrone calls and tell Shereé that he is working to clear his name. Shereé says that she knows that he’s innocent because she’s seen documents. Like, what documents, what did they say, was it, “He’s innocent jump on that d” and were they written by Tyrone? But the burger Kairo makes for real looks amazing.

NeNe goes to meet Mbele, an Energy Reader who presents with such an intensity that I’m like OMG it’s the second coming of Allison DuBois hold on to your undies everyone this shit is going to get weird. NeNe pretends that she wants Mbele to clear out the bad energy but nah that’s not true she actually wants her to drag the other woman across the floor.

Cynthia arrives and Mbele hates all over her with just her face. Kandi arrives and tries to shake Mbele’s hand but Mbele is like, “No, I don’t shake I only hug” and the producers then show us Mbele shaking NeNe and Cynthia’s hands and this is inconsistent and nuts and I am SO EXCITED. 

Porsha comes over to Shereé’s to meet up to go to the elephant party, which is what NeNe is calling this meeting with the Energy Reader. She asks about Shereé’s back and Shereé says that she got some drugs for it and Porsha celebrates like she just won the lottery. MUSCLE RELAXERS GET IT GIRL WHOOOOO. Kim comes over and they get ready to go get screamed at by NeNe.

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Meanwhile, Cynthia, NeNe, and Kandi sit around and chat while Mbele sits in the corner and chews on the side of her mouth. Kenya shows up and Mbele force hugs her and then yells at her for walking away while she was speaking. I am low-key terrified of Mbele.

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The other women arrive. Mbele asks for Kim’s phone and Kim says that she can’t give it over cause she has 6 babies at home. And then Mbele, this gift of a woman, says, “That’s almost as many as me,” yes yes YES MBELE CAME TO PLAY.

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NeNe says “Welcome to the elephant room” and the lights flash on and off and you know it’s just a producer earning her paycheck but also, like, that is a sign you guys should run. Or, stay and have it filmed so I can watch it later. Thanks!

Mbele introduces herself and is basically like, “I know everything and I’m going to drag your secrets screaming into the light and embarrass you terribly and make you question your own existence but don’t take it personally lol.”

She starts with Shereé and waves her finger at her in a way that is like intimidating and also just fucking odd.

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And then she says, “Know when you want to start and know you want to end. Stand firm on it. Don’t worry about it.” And, like, that is super generic bullshit cold read advice. Yeah, so do the things you want. I’ve legit gotten more insight from a fortune cookie.

She turns to Kandi and says that she has lots of déjà vu. Like, sure, but who cares? What does that even mean? This is laaaaame.

NeNe’s turn! “You are not a little girl anymore you have not been a little girl in a very long time. What other people think about you is not your problem. You have a heart of gold.”  Oh, because she’s paying for this party she gets a nice one. Cool.

To Cynthia she says, “You should listen just a little bit about Will. They’re right, this time.” And, I mean, yes, no offense Cynthia, but everything about you screams MY TASTE IN MEN IS QUESTIONABLE AT BEST. Still not impressed with Mbele.

Cynthia is taken aback by this and Kim tells her not to get messed up by what Mbele said. Mbele hears this because she’s like two feet away and calls Kim out. Kim says that she doesn’t believe Mbele is legit because if she was guided by God then she wouldn’t be saying shady shit. Mbele says then clearly Kim isn’t from a higher power because she’s been shitty from the second she arrived. And, you guys, confession time. I like Kim? I like Kim. I know that she’s a moron and inconsistent and trashy AF and full of all of the shit but like, she is so completely accepting of herself that it’s kind of admirable. I mean, not the part where she’s had plastic surgery on her entire face and refuses to speak to her parents and now Kroy also won’t speak to his parents. OK, upon further reflection Kim is awful I take it all back.

Mbele turns to Kenya and says, “You’re not going to be here much longer anyway,” and I’m like YESSSS FAKE DEATH READINGS BRING IT but then she backs away and simply says, “You have a different destiny.” So, like, she’ll move away from Atlanta. Yawn.

Meanwhile, Kim has not shut the fuck up since her last interaction with Mbele and is telling Porsha that she’s been read by every medium in the world and Mbele isn’t shit. Kenya tells Kim to shut her rude ass up and then Mbele asks everyone to switch seats. And Kim…does not move. God, I respect that shit.

Mbele says she wants to present Kim with a bath to clean her off and release everything so we can be done with it. And Kim is like, “What the fuck is this bath?” and Mbele starts taking about going outside and getting some leaves and a jar and Kim is like, “Fuck that, hard pass.” And then Mbele picks up her sage, ashes it, and leaves the room.  Wait, what? For real? You just up and leave like that? Oh, no. Mbele, I have met Allison DuBois, I have known Allison DuBois, I have watched Allison DuBois’ “Dinner Party From Hell” episode of The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills 12 times and you, madam, are no Allison DuBois. Would Allison DuBois ever ash her sage and walk away when faced with a bitchy ass Kim? Hell no! She’d get herself another martini, take a puff of her comically large cigar, smile, and scream out the exact day of Kim’s death.

So Kandi takes over so they can talk about some actual things. Porsha says that she and NeNe haven’t resolved their issues. And as she talks NeNe clearly does not give a single tiny shit. Porsha calls out NeNe’s “I hate you but you keep talking” face which the producers helpfully show us in all of its forms:

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And then it kind of devolves? Shereé talks about NeNe’s mugshot, Cynthia says that Kim and Kenya don’t like each other because they’re too much alike, Kim texts Kroy because it’s been 30 seconds, Cynthia says that she doesn’t think that Brielle should be on social media, Kenya agrees and then Kim starts singing “Amazing Grace” really loud. Then Kim and NeNe sit down on a couch to talk about their elephant.

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NeNe says that she’s mad that Kim came to her home uninvited saying that she parked in a handicap spot. And Kim says that she loves Gregg and Brielle loves them both. Like, Kim, no one gives a single fuck about Brielle. You need to really, deeply, understand that. Bringing up Brielle’s name does nothing but for anyone, ever.

Kim says at the white party she wondered if NeNe was on pills because NeNe’s eyes were all over the place. And so nothing is resolved and they decide to go ahead and keep on hating each other.

A DAY LATE AND A DOLLAR SHORT-SHORTS (RHOBH RECAP)

A DAY LATE AND A DOLLAR SHORT-SHORTS (RHOBH RECAP)

WELLNESS CHECK ON BIBIANA (BACHELOR RECAP)

WELLNESS CHECK ON BIBIANA (BACHELOR RECAP)