WELLNESS CHECK ON BIBIANA (BACHELOR RECAP)
Let it be known that for the first time in Bachelor history, someone has taken a bite of food ON CAMERA. It was Arie. It looked like a small piece of steak. He put it right in his mouth and chewed. Gasps were heard in living rooms around the world. HE'S EATING! they shouted. EATING! HE'S SO BORED THAT HE'S EATING!
And then collectively we wondered, wait a minute, why haven't we seen Arie topless yet? Because he......actually eats food when he's bored out of his mind just like me shoving these Keebler fudge stripes into my mouth throughout this entire boring episode. Arie! He's just like us!
We're back at the Bachelor mansion and I still don't recognize like 90% of these heauxs. There's a whole contingent of them that look like 80's Barbie dolls. Again there's too many heauxs, not enough dates, they're sad.
Leave it to Bachelor producers to commandeer GLOW and turn it into GLOB. GLOB is like the most appropriate name for these fools flopping around a wrestling ring. Buncha GLOBS. I'm hoping Betty Gilpin is going to come out and throw one of these beetches over her head. Instead they trot out some OG GLOWers and this is even better because they're bitchy as hell and let the snowflakes have it.
Bibiana cries because one of the GLOW gals makes fun of her name. Bibiana is your difficult friend who gets offended easily, pouts a lot, and has to be "checked on." YAWN. One of the GLOW chicks pulls Tia's hair and she cries. Manic Pixie Bekah, however, bops around having a blast, because she's the Natalie Portman of The Bachelor: perky, quirky, and up for everything!
TIME FOR COSTUMES! They all dress up in leftover slutty Halloween costumes except for Raquel who dresses up as a LUNCH LADY and draws a big ass mole on her face, and suddenly I am in loooooooooooove. Raquel, you're number one in my heart! Also noteable is Virginia Slims Krystal dressed up as a baby voiced cougar. Appropriate.
KENNY KENNY KENNY! KENNY IS HERE!
Kenny from the Bachelorette comes out to wrestle Arie. Kenny throws Arie around like a rag doll and I’m wet. Arie wrestles in a suit, which is weird. Pillow lips and a pillow gut? Sorta into it. Chris Harrison choreographs Arie a win. The girls flop around in their bouts and Marikh pulls money out of one of the Laurens' butt. What?
They head to some sort of RV themed cocktail party and when I saw Krystal’s outfit I audibly gasped. Is that a crushed velvet romper? She talks in her baby voice to him and they moan at each other.
Arie makes out with Raven 2.0 (Tia). He kisses her and then holds her face close and says "You did so good today," before kissing her again and it's like so paternal I threw up in my mouth a little. Bekah and Arie make out. She mounts him.
BEKAH = ROSE.
I’m so bored at this point I start cutting out a picture of Oprah at the Golden Globes for my vision board.
ONE OF THE LAURENS 1:1
LAUREN CANNOT EVENT BELIEVE THAT THEY'RE GOING TO WINE COUNTRY EVEN THOUGH THE DATE CARD SAID MERLOT RIGHT ON IT. They hang out a winery and their conversation is so boring that I'm left to wonder, why does this Lauren only curl the bottom of her hair? They go to dinner and this Lauren acts like a real damn spazz. She's kicked back lounging in her chair talking all sorts of ??? with some serious vocal fry. ARIE EATS. And then finally he says, bitch, no, you gotta go. Then this:
Arie: You’re amazing.
One of the Laurens: That’s so sweet.
Then she just stares at him, the first time she's shut up all night. LOL.
LAUREN = NO ROSE.
ANOTHER GROUP DATE, THIS TIME WITH DOGS
SURPRISE ANNALIESE HAD A TRAUMATIC EXPERIENCE WITH A DOG. Who was watching Annaliese as a child? All the girls squeal squeal squeal for the dogs. This date is so terrible that the producers move quickly on to DRINKS. Arie makes out with someone, I don’t even know who it is and can’t really care. He’s made out with so many people tonight. I’m covering my eyes. He’s making out with someone else who’s got drag queen makeup on. Annaliese and Arie have nothing to talk about so I’m reading about microblading online. DO I WANT IT?
CHELSEA = ROSE.
Blah blah blah day bed set up and a telescope. Bekah lies in Arie's arms and says:
"You know why you like me? Because I'm unsafe and I don't need you."
And it's straight up something she saw in the second 50 Shades of Grey movie. He falls for it hard. She's the wisest 22 year old I've ever seen! Except for me when I was 22 and saying stupid shit like this to my ex husband when we were courting. I'm so ashamed. For real. Bekah, pro tip, don't waste your time psychoanalyzing douche bros.
I’m going to have another cookie because I don’t think I like anyone here. Annaliese puts on some lipstick cause she's gonna try and kiss Arie. Arie shuts Annaliese down and it’s supes awkward. Especially since he makes out with Taxidermy right after. Taxidermy pulls a stuffed baboon out of of her dress. No she doesn't. But she should've.
Annaliese is crying and she says she’s just trying to be who she normally is, not a crazy person. GIRL. Some girl in a white dress mounts Arie, which seems like a mistake because it’s a very tight dress. The girls pump Analiesse up to go find out if Arie likes her, lol bitches. And he’s like, no I don’t like you, go home.
Bibiana is O-U-T. She cries and cries and makes some worrisome comments. I am broken. I want everyone to know that I have tried. I can’t catch a break.