THE DARKEST HOUR (RHOBH RECAP)
Oh how the mighty have fallen. Ever since Dorit showed up last year with her fake British accent and her pretentious and DEEPLY unflattering hair pieces (this point can’t be overstated), I’ve bided my time, waiting for the moment when she’d expose herself as a Charlatan. Well GLORY BE! That moment came during this week’s episode of RHOBH. All it took was a heat wave and too many tequila shots for Dorit Kemsley to transform from Noblewoman to Uncle Buck.
But first, Erika joined Lisa R in Tokyo where Lisa’s daughters are modeling. Lisa is wistful about her daughters growing up too quickly. She wonders to herself, “What Would Kris Jenner Do?” The answer to that is: sex tapes and a mother-daughter pregnancy pact. But okay, seek out the Grand Vampiress of Reality Families for some parenting advice.
Erika has lugged her indentured glam squad along to Japan to ensure she’s dressed perfectly no matter the occasion--there’s Harajuku district hooker by day, Harajuku district hooker by night, Harajuku district hooker eating ice cream, Harajuku district hooker filing a tax return grumbling over her username and password for Turbo Tax. She has very diverse fashion.
Lisa and Erika spend most of the trip together because Lisa’s daughters don’t need their mom anymore and regard her as an adorable pet that can be returned to the store when it starts getting too needy. When Lisa and Erika finally have dinner with her daughters, the girls reveal that they love a Youtube star who just obsessively eats on camera. Which seems weird until we learn that years ago, Lisa wrote a sex book and that’s how her girls learned to give blowjobs. This seems very much something Kris Jenner would do, so keep up the great work, Lisa.
Stateside, Teddi, Dorit, and Kyle visit Lisa’s mansion for a glorious luncheon amid ill-tempered swans and thousands of dogs. Lisa, Dorit, and Kyle try to ‘educate’ Teddi by talking smack about group dynamics. Teddi is above all of the pettiness but I predict this will play out like Mean Girls--by the end of the season Teddi will be stealing their boyfriends and writing cruel truths about these women in her Burn Book.
Somehow, Lisa V has become Editor-in-chief of Beverly Hills Lifestyle Magazine. Probably because owning one million angry swans was part of the job qualifications. Lisa has asked Dorit to model jewelry for the mag and Dorit shows up to the shoot, completely distraught that she didn’t have time to bring in her own hair and makeup people. She hates what the hair and makeup team has done to her, she hates the photos, she hates ALL OF IT. I would say that she should be honored to be modeling in a magazine but I don’t know if this magazine is even real or if it’s a hollowed out book where Lisa hides more swans. So stomp and fret all you want, Dorit.
Thankfully Dorit can soon drink away her tantrum because Kyle is hosting a boozy dinner party to celebrate her renovations only being half-done. Really, she wanted to have people over after her floors were torn up and before her pool was torn out. Clearly, it’s an opportune time for a celebration.
Kyle’s table appointments are perfect, the food is divine, but just as guests begin to arrive, the whole place loses power so the party is without lighting or air conditioning. Not to worry, Dorit keeps the party bumping. Dorit is drinking a lot. And swearing a lot. And when Camille Grammer, friend of the show, introduces her new man (and handsome dad-type) to the group, Dorit jokingly calls her a “fucking c--t” for some inexplicable reason. Even Dorit’s potato kebab of a husband is embarrassed. And kebabs rarely get embarrassed.
Camille handles the outburst with grace, but if there is a god, she’ll bring back that season 1 psychic to deliver some cold, cruel revenge.