THE COMING GYNECOCRACY (A NIGHT WITH MY EX RECAP)
The exes: Abby, 23 and Keith, 22
The reason for the break-up: Abby is a narcissistic sociopath who gives great head, but once Keith realized that the amaze bjs were costing him his sanity, he left and blocked her number
What Abby wants out of this evening: To tell Keith that she messed up and show him how she has changed
What Keith wants out of this evening: To get closure/not let her touch his d
After the first 30 seconds I am team: Keith
Abby says that their relationship was like a perfect fantasy land. Keith says that it was on-and-off for two years and I just have to take a second and be like, you are both infant womb babies, so you were on-and-off from the ages of 19 years old to 21 years old, so what you’re saying is you basically hung out while you were in daycare. Why are we pretending that this was a serious relationship?
Anyway, Keith says that Abby showed him what love was like, by which he means frightening and terrible. He says that she would make him feel amazing and also make him feel awful.
Abby admits that she treated him like a puppet and she was awful to him and she screwed up, but she’s done some self-improvement since then. Abby says that she sees Keith in her future and her biggest fear is that he’s over her and he’s coming to see her to get closure.
Keith tells us that he’s just doing this to get closure.
Sidenote: I’m from Indianapolis so the fact that they are both from Indianapolis fills me with so much joy, I cannot even tell you. And I’m sure that every city in the land is full to the brim with funny yet aggressive yet also emotionally manipulative women who dress really well and are so appealing yet low-key terrifying, but Abby legit reminds me of like 2/3 of the girls I went to high school with. My point is this: this episode is exhibit one in the case I am building called “Indianapolis is ground zero for the coming gynecocracy.” You’ve been warned.
Back to the show! Abby arrives first and doesn’t immediately drink everything, and is it wrong that I’m impressed? That’s legit a first for this show.
Keith walks in, sees Abby for the first time in a year, and then spends more time and energy on his luggage handle than in hugging her. She notices and she is PISSED.
They get down to the business of trying to unpack their relationship. Keith opens a bottle of wine and he’s doing it wrong so Abby starts telling him how to do it right. Keith tells us that, “It’s almost like she wanted to be a dude sometimes.” Yeah, because wanting demonstrate that you have even a sliver of competence and/or want to prevent some dumb fuck from getting cork in your wine is SO MASCULINE. Don’t worry Keith, when the Indianapolis-lead female revolution comes we’ll make sure you only get screw-top wine bottles.
Abby’s nails are the same color as her hair and it’s so monochromatic and evil.
Keith tells Abby that she would be so callous to him and would threaten to leave him all of the time just to get a reaction. Abby says that Keith had a nice mom who hugged him and told him that he was great, while her family didn’t show her any love ever so she doesn’t know how to show love the way Keith wants her to. She also low-key resents how everyone in Keith’s family talks about how great he is all of the time.
But Abby does know that she fucked up and lost Keith. She says “If there was ever anything wrong with our relationship, it was me.” She apologizes to Keith for the way that she treated him and asks him if he can see being with her in the future. He refuses to answer because he thinks that once he gives her anything she’ll be monstrous to him again. So then, having shown vulnerability and gotten nothing in return, Abby flips. In like 20 seconds she goes from tenderly saying, “I messed up and I still love you,” to yelling, “You need to work on yourself!” She tells him that he’s judgement and starts listing everything wrong that he ever did and he manages this tirade by…just staring at the couch. He says that he checks out when she starts yelling and becomes, in his words, “a steel face emoji.”
Now it’s time to ask each other the producer-supplied questions. Keith asks Abby, “When were you happiest in our relationship?” and Abby says she was always happy unless they were fighting. Keith counters that they were always fighting, so that’s not saying much.
Abby asks Keith, “Do you ever think of me when you masturbate?” and he doesn’t answer but his eyes scream HOW DID YOU KNOW? She asks him, “What could I do to improve in the bedroom,” and he says, “You could be more open to doing things…” and she rolls her eyes and says, “So…anal.” You see, this is why I can’t be 100% against Abby. She’s unreasonable and unstable but also NOT WRONG.
And then Keith decides to double down on the “go limp until it’s over” self-defense plan and he goes up to the loft and just lies on the bed, even though it’s like 7PM. Abby goes up there with him and starts massaging him and sitting on him.
Keith tells us that he doesn’t want to sleep with Abby anymore so he leaves the bed goes downstairs to lie on the couch, while Abby stands in the loft and dances and waves at him creepily. So what we have here is a game of sex chicken.
Suddenly, they decide to make “homemade” cookies, for which they use premade cookie dough. Abby says that Keith always wanted her to be more traditionally feminine, and my bet is that it’s less of a “me man, you woman” thing as a “if you would stop screaming horrible things at me I would like you more,” thing. Abby is trying to get Keith a good mood so he’ll consent to having sex with her and once again be enthralled by the power of her vag, but he’s keeping an arm’s length away and not making eye contact. Legit, he is treating her the way you would a treat chimpanzee that you were trapped in a hotel room with that you also had history with. Abby notices that her flirty techniques aren’t working, and then she switches tactics and In 30 seconds says:
“You’re not fun.”
“You don’t ever do fun shit.”
“You’re way too serious all of the time.”
“You don’t have a sense of humor.”
“You don’t know how to take a joke.”
“You’re very very sensitive and overdramatic.”
Keith responds, “It’s really funny how you want to be an asshole right now.” And then things get NUTS. Abby starts doing her running her “my parents never showed me love so I’m going to fuck up everything about you” play book, which I’ve recorded for you:
Step 1: Tell him that you’re leaving.
Step 2: Do not leave.
Step 3: Tell him that he has to leave.
Step 4: Tell him that you’re a nice girl and don’t deserve any of this.
Step 5: Tell him that, even though he is speaking and you can clearly hear him, that you can’t hear him. As he speaks, yell over him that you can’t hear him.
Step 6: Just repeat everything that he says back to him with an extra dumb voice
Keith ends the crazy train by saying it’s time for bed, because crazy shit can’t continue to happen if he’s unconscious, but Abby she blocks the stairs and says that they have to talk until the random hour glass in the apartment is out of sand.
He says, “OK, let’s sit at the table,” but then when she moves from the stairs to sit at the table he runs upstairs to go to sleep.
They fight about who gets to sleep in the bed. Abby says that because he said that he doesn’t want to be with her she feels gross and therefore she should get to sleep in the bed. She says that she came to this hotel room to get back together with him. He says “You fucked up 90% of the relationship!” and she screams back “70!” like, girl, if you’re trying to get your man back maybe hold back on the petty statistical back-and-forth.
After all of the fighting about who sleeps where they end up sleeping in the same bed SHOCKER I KNOW. And she gets him to hold her hand and says, “What if this is the last time we ever get together?” and he’s like, *prays for unconsciousness.*
The next morning they wake up not having had sex at all. Keith says that 99% of all men would have caved and like, do you think that men can’t not consent to sex unless they have been deeply traumatized by their potential sex partner? MASCULINITY IS A PRISON GRANT YOURSELF BAIL.
Over breakfast, Keith tells Abby that he wants to continue being friends and she says, “I don’t want to be your friend. There’s no way.” Then she goes and flops down on the couch and calls him a dick.
Keith leaves and tells us that he’s happy he broke the “cyclical cycle of manipulation.” Keith, my man, you are sweet and also not smart. I fear that it’s just a matter of time until you find yourself a new Abby who is just slightly better at tricking you. Also, we get this shocker at the end:
In summary: Masculinity is a prison, Abby needs to be put in some sort of a bio-hazard bag until her pre-frontal cortex develops and she gains some impulse control, I’m just going to say it I really don’t like Keith’s face, women from Indianapolis will fuck you up