Do we have any Bible scholars in the house? I have a little research project for you. There must be a mention of Gwyneth Paltrow in the book of Revelation because the actual live print version of her lifestyle website GOOP is clearly one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse. Oh, you didn't know? LOL. Yes, THIS JUST IN, there is a print version of Gwyneth's GOOP. I know, I KNOW. What sort of asshole wants something as oldsey timesy as a paper version of a website and WHO IN THE HELL does a thing like BUY THE PRINT VERSION OF GWYNETH PALTROW'S GOOP?
Well, you've probably met me, so you know I am said asshole. I'm a homo, where were you expecting me to throw my money? Celine Dion isn't in town so I've got to find something to buy. You think I want to watch strippers? You think I'm going to donate to that weird dog charity that won't stop playing Sarah Mclachlan on repeat? NO, Girl. I am the exact part-time vegan, pretend bougie, feminist, pretentious, star-fucker these white witches are looking for. So here I am. Take my FIFTEEN DOLLARS, Pepper Potts.
First off? If you've been sleeping between episodes of Miami Vice or whatever the hell shows you're watching on your phone and don't know what the hell is a GOOP, saddle up momma's gonna teach you about an important cultural touchstone. (Typing cultural touchstone was so hard to do just then because I was laughing so hard I nearly lost my eyes ... well at least I'm not a judgy bitch).
GOOP is a company owned by actress Gwyneth Paltrow, it was launched as a "lifestyle brand" in 2008. It began as a weekly email newsletter providing new age advice and has expanded into e-commerce. They now collaborate with fashion brands and have pop-up shops. They've even hosted a "wellness summit."
I was interested for a while because I will basically watch a spoiled rich girl try to do anything. I was expecting recipes and maybe a home movie or two with GP running around trying to clean her own toilets, pump her own gas, or teach me reiki. (OMG DOESNT THAT SOUND AMAZING) GOOP is a little deeper and ethereal and moneyed than all that. I got bored when they started talking about $15,000 gold vibrators and vagina steaming. I'm basically a woman in a man suit, but I'd rather watch porn with Ted Cruz than read about an actual real live vagina. I know they're lovely and the center of life and whatnot, but unless Andy Cohen has started filming a new reality show in there for BRAVO ... I'm out.
The magazine is gorgeous, and it better be. You read me right earlier this sucker is FIFTEEN AMERICAN DOLLARS. Well, $14.99. GAH. Who decides the pricing of things. What's that 99 cents thing about anyway? TAKE THE WHOLE DOLLAR, THIEF. I'm already spending money I shouldn't be, so take that other cent. The cover is of a heaver weight paper than your normal run-of-the-mill (read non-Oscar-winning) magazine as are its pages. I'm not sure if this is to make you feel like you're carrying around a scientific journal borrowed from your local neighborhood chemical labratory, or to try to convince you that what you're lugging around contains any actual facts. Me thinks BOTH.
The whole thing is less than 100 pages which suddenly seems extra annoying since FIFTEEN BUCKS, but I guess every magazine can't be the September issue of Vogue. It's organized into five sections (DO, GET, BE, MAKE, & GO) and they are exactly what they sound like. There are only a couple ads, which is super nice actually and now I'm slapping myself for complaining about the price tag.
GP's letter from the editor tells us when she was 14 and away at over night camp she felt really sick and her mom flew in to cheer her up and brought a great big bunch of magazines to do the job. AND SPLOOSH. Here's GOOP. EYEROLL EMOJI. I guess everything really does happen for a reason? The overall theme of the magazine this season (it's quarterly at the moment) is wellness. There's an article on the power of crystals, how to find your inner sex goddess, a lesson in learning to adore your pelvic floor, some style bits, and other articles that tie in to each section. Then the pièce de résistance: an interview with the queen herself, no not OPRAH (don't be a jerk, JERK).
The interview tells us all about how GP has become GOOP's resident guinea pig trying all sorts of INSANE sounding treatments. Crystal, vape pen, and bee venom therapies, French clay baths (THANKFULLY EXPLAINING THAT WACKY ASS COVER ... WHERE ARE HER NIPPLES), bone broth lattes, snail seepage, and on and on and on. Her interest in health and wellness began when her father was diagnosed with oral cancer. It got her to think about her own health and how you could have autonomy over your own wellness. Her goal isn't, and has never been to get everyone to give up traditional Western medicine. She only wants to open up the conversation and get others to try new and different treatments. She likes to audition new stuff and wants you to feel empowered to do the same.
Here's what. I love and appreciate this idea, and I'm actually a fan of Gwynnie. I'm always on the lookout for new and interesting supplements and therapies to try. I am super into learning about new age approaches to health, spirituality and whatever else. The problem for me with GOOP has always been the price-tag. Check out my sexy magazine about gold face masks, crystals, and relaxing trips to India (HOW MUCH IS THAT FLIGHT?) and whatever other fancy things you probably can't afford for $15. Look at this $900 face cream. Try out these cleverly packaged vitamins for a tiny fortune. It's expensive stuff and that can be fun to daydream about, but this magazine and the cute-ass website are usually chock-full of expensive stuff that isn't even fun expensive stuff. At least when Oprah is talking about India in O MAGAZINE it sounds like we might have a good time, and the junk she's making me dream of at Christmas could actually slip into my Visa.
While I want to think it all originates from a good place, I can't shake the idea of it all coming from a bored, rich, white woman who has more money than sense. I'm definitely gonna keep looking at this junk online for free, and I'll browse through this super sexy paper magazine when I breeze past it. But ... I won't be spending $15 to read another one, that's a risk this guinea pig can do without.