Our thumbs are basically numb from texting back and forth 24/7 about everything we love (AND HATE) that's happening on our televisions, iPads, and eye glasses (hi, we think we're funny) and we thought WHY NOT SHARE THIS JOY WITH THE WORLD?!  



First off, I’d like to apologize for my lateness with this recap.  Midterms are a busy time, and I also felt compelled to write an essay about leotards in current pop culture.  I go where the Muse takes me!

So, what happened last week? Well, we had a few bombshells: Billy Eichner is dating Detective Handsome Mike Pence! Paulson’s bathtub fun with the worst babysitter in the world made it on the dark web, and from there into an infinite loop on poor Oz’s computer. Bitches were slapped left, right, and center. Billy Eichner and his wife are definitely involved in Evan Peterson’s..shall we say...CULT? Mysterious chemical trucks are spraying mysterious chemicals all around the neighborhood. Mr. Guinea meets his maker in the microwave! Eichner’s wife is missing and he is smeared with blood!  

Let’s slow down. We begin with a scene in Dr. Bad Therapist’s office. A blonde and her man are discussing her conquered phobia, which is apparently coffins (aka feretrophobia). She used to be locked in a cabinet as a child, and with her abusive father’s death and the stewardship of Dr. Bad Therapist, in addition to a healthy dose of her man’s naked butt, she’s doing much better. Oh how lovely. The pair comes home to their sumptuous house (INTERIORS) and is met with a rude surprise: two caskets propped up in the bedroom and a gaggle of clowns with power tools. These asshole clowns bolt the lovers in their coffins and everything is just 100% terrible. (Do I have feretrophobia? This show is giving me phobia hypochondria.) We cut to the news anchor, played by Adina Porter (one of the stars of AHS: Roanoke), as she describes the grisly scene. Also, this just in: Dr. Bad Therapist is completely involved in this bullshit.

Meanwhile, Paulson is being smeared in the press as a “Lesbian George Zimmerman.” In that instant, I lost a lot of patience with this show. Maybe they should have called it American Horror Story: FATIGUE. People are protesting at the restaurant, and she is indignant, because girlfriend is the worst and she is owning it. “I’m one of you!” she hoots at the protesters, because that is what kind of bag of cat shit she is. Bitch shot an unarmed man, and apparently she is protected by a “Stand Your Ground” type law (okay probably more like a Castle Doctrine). BUT--she also used a gun that is certainly not registered to her. Detective Handsome Mike Pence is totally okay with the fact that she shot this criminal Latino.  SHOW YOU ARE MAKING ME WANT TO PUKE.  

She decides to go to the restaurant and confront the protestors, with textbook bad results. Evan Peters appears, eyes shining like Psycho Jesus, and parts the crowd. He saves her with a wave of his hand. They have an intense exchange through the car window.  

Meanwhile, Billy Eichner and his wife are making Paulson and Pill’s life miserable. They set up nasty Craigslist ads that lead to naked men jacking off in that beautiful livingroom (those bookcases? I die). Pill and Paulson take back the world’s worst babysitter seconds after she let a fucking stranger into the house, because they have to be stupid in order for this plot to work. Eichner and wife show up in sombreros and call Paulson a racist.  Yeah, this show made me type that sentence.

The world’s worst babysitter (TWWB?) encourages young Oz to bond with a forbidden guinea pig, further driving a wedge between Paulson and the youth.  Paulson can’t allow pets or cis-normative pet names. The kid practically snarls at her as he clutches the rodent. TWWB smirks. I would have fired her twenty times already just for the snotty faces she pulls. Apparently, Eichner and wife brought the child a guinea pig even though his mother is a racist insane person. Well, this certainly can’t go wrong, can it?

We cut to a pinky scene with Evan Peters and Eichner’s wife. When she refuses to take his little pinky game seriously, Peters slaps her right out of her chair, then proceeds to call her annoying, unlovable, childless, and a bitch. She’s feeling threatened by Eichner’s new relationship with Detective Handsome Mike Pence.

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Paulson and Pill have a amends making ice cream dinner with the kid, where Paulson tells him he can keep Mr. Guinea. Yay! Surely nothing can go wrong there? When they return home, they discover that their front door has been marked with the bloody smiley face that adorned the wall of their slaughtered neighbors. Inside, Mr. Guinea is in the microwave. RIP, Mr. Guinea. Because she is an insane person, Paulson runs across the street and confronts Eichner and co., who are engaged in some weird looking bee related stuff. She screams and threatens. On the way out, they see another bloody smiley face and Paulson tells Pill to forget it.  

That evening, a mysterious truck billows ominous gas. The next morning, all the birds are dead. The second time it happens, Paulson rushes out to stand in the path of the truck, which almost runs over her. She sucks up about a gallon of chemicals. She confronts a gas-masked sprayer, and when she rips off his mask, she finds a bloody smiley face.

Eichner has his own pinky therapy with Evan Peters, and he admits that he shouldn’t have been so kooky as to marry his lady best friend when he is a homosexual fellow. Maybe he thought we’d never get gay marriage? Anyway, it was a bad choice and he regrets it. Peters tells him that everything is someone else’s fault from now on, which doesn’t seem very uplifting. Is the philosophy of this cult eternal victimhood? Seems like a shaky premise to encourage murder fests.  

Paulson and Pill talk to Detective Handsome Mike Pence. She’s going to be fine legally because the world is terrible. Oz is having some computer trouble, so his moms go to investigate. Instead of a penis virus, he has his mom being fingerbanged by TWWB on repeat on his screen. Oh man, does the shit hit the fan! Pill and Paulson have a screaming fight, with Paulson asserting that she was right in thinking something was up, as the secretly recorded video suggests that someone has been in their house (OH WHO COULD IT BE?  TWWB?!) Pill slaps the shit out of her and grabs Oz.  

Outside, the red and blues pulse. Seems that Eichner is covered in blood and missing his wife. He screams at Paulson, accusing her of the deed and being into “sick Gone Girl shit.”  

Pill and Paulson notice that Oz is missing, and they run back across the street. Inside, they see their beautiful interiors smeared with blood and bloody handprints, and another, larger bloody smiley face. Cut to black!

So, what’s going on? I have a very big hunch: I think Eichner and his wife (formerly in pharmaceuticals) have engineered some sort of Scarecrow-esque fear toxin.  

Is everyone being gaslighted? What is the purpose of that? Like, why? Paulson is a fucking asshole. I would not have her in my cult. She is good at not taking responsibility (I feel like she doesn’t seem affected by the actual murder she committed) so she may be a good match there. Why does Evan Peters want her so? Is it because she voted for Jill Stein? I single her out because a) she is the protagonist and 2) every move that’s been made seems to be orbiting around her. But why orbit her? She sucks!  She’s like a whole planet made of garbage. 

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