6 THINGS I LEARNED ABOUT PICKING UP ASIAN CHICKS
My favorite Asian friend, Woo, left Chicago for Virginia, and since I'm into diversity and intersectional feminism, I'm in the market for a new Asian BFF. I started with some research on how to pick up my new Asian BFF and stumbled on Kristina Wong's How to Pick Up Asian Chicks-- a YouTube web series where Asian American women review self-published books written by white men on how to pick up Asian women. Holy shit.
Here's what I learned:
Lesson 1: Put pubes over everythang
Prioritize hitting on Japanese girls because they have the “neatest, best combed, sweetest smelling pubic mounds ever.” No one likes a smelly snatch so I can see how soft pubes might entice you to ignore other countries. This info is useful for more than just heightened sexual experience. True friends share clutch grooming tips. So find you one who is an expert at something useful.
Dear potential Japanese BFFs and Jenny,
If you teach me how to achieve silky pubes, I’ll share how to do boxer braids and keep your skin super moisturized.
Lesson 2: Average white guys are always first pick
When hunting for Asian MILFs, being “an average white guy” gives you a genetic advantage.
This isn’t so much a lesson as it is a reminder to set realistic response expectations. I usually make friends with people older than me or those with old souls. Now I know to be grateful for whoever accepts my friend request.
Attention POCs: if you don’t treat your Asian friends right, there are tons of other mediocre white men ready to take them in. Don’t get caught slipping.
Lesson 3: Use meaningful compliments
To pull me out of my shell at networking events, I sometimes chant “she who has friends must first herself be friendly”. Part of being friendly is tactfully dropping meaningful compliments. Too aggressive and they might think you’re flirting. Too subtle and you’ll be trapped in the friend zone Here are some must-use compliments for aspiring Asian MILF whisperers: your skin is so white.
Guaranteed panty dropper.
Lesson 4: Stock up on Starbucks gift cards
Apparently, I might have to put my fight against gentrification on the back burner and start patronizing Starbucks. Asian girls loooove Starbucks. If you’re more of a homebody there are free websites that they frequent. Watching is better than reading.
Lesson 5: Asians can’t resist free housing
Because Asians are among the most beautiful women in the world, I deff need one as my BFF, so I can attract more beautiful people in my life.
Good news: many Asian women easily prostitute themselves in exchange for free housing in a big city. Two questions: does Chicago count as a big city? Secondly, is this offer still valid if I already share a three-bedroom apartment with four roommates?
Lesson 6: The slimmest of all Asians
If you don’t have game enough to pick up a Japanese lady friend (sorry, no neatly combed pubes for you), consider Vietnamese women; they are the slimmest of all Asians. That’s useful info in case you like to put your thing down, flip it and reverse it. My knees and back could use a break seeing as how the weight of mounting student loans interest is super crippling right about now.
I don't know who these misinformed white men are but bless Kristina Wong and her friends for this masterclass on picking up Asian woman. After watching this series, we can all agree that everyone should have an Asian BFF, GF, friends with benefits, or job reference. You know they got all the good STEM gigs.