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Hi.

Our thumbs are basically numb from texting back and forth 24/7 about everything we love (AND HATE) that's happening on our televisions, iPads, and eye glasses (hi, we think we're funny) and we thought WHY NOT SHARE THIS JOY WITH THE WORLD?!  

BUSTED FRIENDSHIPS (RHOC RECAP)

BUSTED FRIENDSHIPS (RHOC RECAP)

“Hell is other people.” -Jean-Paul Sartre

“I meant to include this at the end of No Exit: Hell is also watching other people you hate on reality tv, not because anyone compels you to do so, but because you’ve become a vapid automaton that can’t look away and is obsessed with schadenfreude.” -Jean-Paul Sartre, probably.

Wow, thanks Jean-Paul Sartre for so succinctly describing my miserable addiction to these petty Heauxs. I’m in hell.

And speaking of fire and brimstone, it is the year of downsizing for Kelly Dodd. She started off the season with vaginal tightening, and now she’s planning a breast reduction. But not without memorializing her big ol’ knockers first. Kelly forces her husband to make a papier-mâché bust of her bust on their balcony for all of their neighbors to see. For Orange County, this is what’s called tasteful nudity. Kelly is also planning a volleyball tournament and party so all the ladies and their troll husbands can bid adieu to her tatas.

Meanwhile, Tamra complains to Lydia that any peace between her and Vicki has been upended since Vicki’s birthday party, where Vickie listened in as a bunch of hyenas dressed up as bargain-bin Barbies gossiped about Eddie’s sexuality.

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Cue the lonesome Klezmer music: It’s the saddest mom in the world, Shannon Beador. Shannon is reviewing logos for her new restaurant venture. She’s excited because even if her marriage is crumbling, the restaurant will refocus her energy on something positive that’s totally separate from her husband. I hear nothing is better to boost one’s self-esteem than pursuing a venture that is almost guaranteed to fail. I’ll be sure to try the seaweed salad; the umami flavor is from Shannon’s tears.

The sparkliest couple in the world, Lydia and Doug, are pursuing Doug’s vasectomy like good Christians. Lydia has really pushed for Doug to tie his tubes (that’s the procedure, right?) so Doug found a paragraph in the bible that states that loving your wife is like loving yourself, and in conclusion Jesus has blessed his vasectomy. I bet I can find a paragraph in the bible that justifies me eating this entire bowl of queso. Hold up, I just did. “For we brought nothing into the world, and we can take nothing out of it.”-Timothy-6:7-8. I take this to mean I should eat it all the queso.

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Meghan isn’t invited to the volleyball party because she and Kelly are in a spat about texting each other about cheating rumors. Don’t worry about Meghan though; she channels her frustrations into making her tiny baby wear enormous bows.

The ladies and most of their husbands gather for the volleyball tournament and the tension is as high as Vicki Gunvalson at a RHOC reunion, where she admitted that her ex faked cancer. When the group convenes in Kelly’s house to eat solely boob-themed foods (no milk though), things go from tense to completely fucking batshit crazy. As I understand it, this is what unfolded:

  1. Vickie and Tamra meet in a bedroom to hash it out and Kelly joins to mediate. Vicki screams at Tamra for libel and slander, and Tamra’s all, “Why are you screaming, you nutjob? Fix your soul. Find Jesus.”

  2. Shannon barges in determined to defend Tamra/ensure that Tamra doesn’t make up with Vicki thereby leaving Shannon with no one but a husband who hates her and failed restaurant.

  3. Vicki loses her mind, screams that she’s part of an ethics committee (does she know what ethics are?) and storms out of the party.

  4. The husbands chat about how morally superior they are because they would just physically fight and get over it. FIRST OF ALL: Physical violence is NOT morally superior to gossip. This is a LIE that has propagated by dumb men for generations. DO NOT BUY INTO THIS. SECOND OF ALL: No, you wouldn’t make up after five minutes. You’d be mad if someone hurt you. It would make you more violent. Violence begets violence. And idiocy begets idiocy and these househusbands are FACKING IDIOTS.

  5. Everyone regroups to eat breast cake and Shannon complains about the damage Vicki has wrought on the world. In particular, Shannon’s weight.

  6. Peggy tells Shannon to get over it and Shannon starts whispering to Tamra and squeezing her leg about Peggy.

  7. Lydia, who was just discussing her boob job, sees the ill-fated leg squeeze, interprets it as Shannon making fun of her, and exclaims that she’s “done with Shannon.” You following? Me neither.

  8. Shannon does not need another enemy right now, cuz her loveless marriage and soon-to-be failed restaurant is hard enough, and she starts yelling and crying and trying to explain that she was making fun of Peggy not Lydia.

  9. Peggy says fuck you by just pursing her lips and raising her eyebrow LIKE A GODDAMN DIVA.

  10. Shannon screams at Tamra for not standing by her while she was being attacked.

Got it? Good. There will be an oral exam next week on these important moments in history.  Until then, let’s all stress eat.

6 THINGS I LEARNED ABOUT PICKING UP ASIAN CHICKS

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HOW I STOPPED HATING ROMANCE AND EMBRACED KILT SEX WITH OUTLANDER

HOW I STOPPED HATING ROMANCE AND EMBRACED KILT SEX WITH OUTLANDER