A TALE OF TWO BOOK LAUNCHES (RHOAUCKLAND RECAP)
I’m doing two episodes at once again because dear gawd nothing of consequence happened in episode 8. Episode 8 highlights:
Angela’s daughters actively dislike her
Anne tries to set up her awkward 13-year-old nephew with Julia’s awkward 13-year-old daughter and he is like 3 feet shorter than her but it doesn’t matter because, as in real life when you’re set up with a man who’s not even in your league, he already has a girlfriend
Angela thinks that we are all souls having a human experience and fucking duh
The producers trick Angela into Googling “naval gazing”
Angela says that she’s marshmallow on the outside and also marshmallow on the inside and she is bad at talking/thinking
Angela reveals that she and her twin brother were raised by her grandmother and now her brother is missing
*meanest thing I’ve ever written* Angela’s brother actively dislikes her *this is now OK because I just Googled it and found that they’ve since been reunited and also she sold the story to a magazine*
Gilda tricks Anne into staring at a penis for an hour
- Angela’s boyfriend actively dislikes her
The women race cars
Angela says that if her boyfriend doesn’t come to her book launch then they are going to break up
They are going to break up
On to episode 9!
Gilda invites Louise and Michelle to come over for a sneak peak of her comic book. Gilda tells us that most people wouldn’t guess that she loves cosmology and, yeah, how could someone guess that? Like, you don’t walk around wearing a “Comets make me horny” t-shirt.
The women start talking shit about Angela’s book party and how everyone is supposed to wear white and how they just don’t like her. Angela’s book is about how to be real, which Gilda calls a “brave subject.” The shade THE SHADE.
Angela makes her french personal assistant, Lea, drive again and it’s a shit show. They basically get into three different accidents.
The women who are not publishing a book this week (Louise, Michelle, Julia and Anne) get together to drink champagne and take bets on which book launch will suck the most.
Michelle invites Anne to a hip-hop dance class because this show is becoming “let’s make the old lady uncomfortable.” Anne tells us that she used to be a Latin ballroom dance champion and Michelle is impressed by her moves. So then Michelle has to raise the stakes by asking the dance instructors to show Anne how to twerk. Anne watches a woman twerk and says, “Oh wow! Good job!” and I mean, she isn’t even mad she’s impressed. They then have Anne twerk and she says, “This is better than a back treatment. Now I don’t have to go to the chiropractor!”
Angela tells us that she really wants her book launch party to be better than Gilda’s, which is unfortunate because it really, really is not. The women arrive at Angela’s book launch and they’re wearing white but the men there aren’t and YOUR DRESS CODE IS SEXIST. Everyone wonders where Angela is. Anne is pissed because she spent a few grand on her white dress and this party is lame. Louise amuses herself by telling everyone that Michelle is bleeding her rich husband dry and one day he’ll be out of money and she’ll leave him. Louise is really mean, you guys.
Angela finally arrives being lead in by two shirtless 18 year olds and it’s pretty gross.
Suddenly a woman starts doing modern dance all over the party and the other women are like THE FUCK IS HAPPENING.
So this theme of this book launch is “white sexual objectification of young men/Martha Graham”? Angela then guides them all into another room where also nothing is happening. Angela’s friend/employee Karen is serving as the emcee and she calls the book, “How to Be Real,” when the title is actually “Being Real” and it’s so perfect it’s like a gift from Jesus. Karen then says that when life gives Angela lemons, Angela peels the lemons and asks the lemons what they want in life. WHUT THAT MAKES NO SENSE. Then Karen sprays chakra oil into the air because she’s just in it to sell chakra oil and she calls it a baptism and this is the worst TED talk I’ve ever seen. Lea reveals the cover of the book and everyone is like *so that exists*.
Angela then reads from her book and you guys you guys YOU GUYS it’s nothing but a string of world salad cliches and legit ends with the word, “Namaste.” Angela should write a book about completely unfounded confidence and how to maintain it. Angela thinks that the book launch was very successful and Anne and Louise think that the book launch was the worst thing that’s ever happened to Auckland and to them. Julia is upset that the other women are making fun of the party and shut up racist, it’s empirically a shitty party. So Julia goes and tells Angela that Louise thinks her book launch is a joke and Angela is disappointed in Louise.
Gilda gets her book launch ready to go and there’s a step-and-repeat and a blue carpet. Louise walks in and says that Gilda’s book launch is already better than Angela’s and then won’t stop talking about how much the party that they’re not at sucked until everyone is fairly uncomfortable.
Gilda’s emcee is a man named Mark and he is awkward AF and calls the book, “An awesome piece of equipment,” which legit makes no sense. Gilda’s speech is also awkward in that she isn’t quite sure of which words she wants to say in what order. Some people are talking during her speech and Michelle angrily shushes them:
Michelle is super loyal and I adore her. And then, Angela arrives. She is two hours late, she is carrying a giant bouquet, and she enters through the stage while the emcee is speaking. FUCK THAT IS BAD FORM.
So the women are like GIRL HOW COULD YOU and Angela is like WHAT I’M JUST BEING REAL. So then Michelle says, to Angela, “I heard your book launch was shit.” Angela decides to confront Louise about talking behind people’s backs and Louise kicks off the conversation by saying, “You’re looking a little wild-eyed.” which isn’t saying much because it describes Angela from the first second she opens her eyes in the morning until she finally, mercifully, closes them at night.
Angela yells, “This is my livelihood, this is my business, this is what I do!” And then Michelle says, “You’re not being real right now. They’re saying what they honestly think and you aren’t accepting the truth so you’re not being real,” which, are you trying to get Angela to hit you? Gilda notices that they’re all fighting and decides that she’s not going anywhere near it.
Louise says that Julia is a snitch and snitches get stitches. Anne says that Julia doesn’t know how to keep her own council. So, same thing.
And then Anne starts crying because she’s drunk and she judged Gilda at first and she now realizes that she was wrong. Gilda’s like, “Cool girl, I wasn’t worried either way and I hate emotion so just relax.”