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Hi.

Our thumbs are basically numb from texting back and forth 24/7 about everything we love (AND HATE) that's happening on our televisions, iPads, and eye glasses (hi, we think we're funny) and we thought WHY NOT SHARE THIS JOY WITH THE WORLD?!  

YOU WERE ON A BREAK (A NIGHT WITH MY EX RECAP)

YOU WERE ON A BREAK (A NIGHT WITH MY EX RECAP)

The exes: Courtney, 28, and Nick, 31
The reason for the break-up:  Courtney caught Nick trying to have sex with another woman via text
What Courtney wants out of this evening: To get Nick to admit that he cheated on her and to ignore the part where she had dumped him the week before he sent that text
What Nick wants out of this evening: To explain to Courtney that the thing about breaking up is when you break up you’re not together. 
After the first 30 seconds I am team: Nick

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Courtney tells us that for a relationship to work you need trust, loyalty, and great sex. She says that Nick is amazing and he has this great swag about him like Obama and 100% YES AGREED. If Obama was a tall ass white male nurse with a nose that shouldn’t work, but does, then Nick is that guy. Meanwhile, Courtney is “pretty” in that she has super long, bleached blonde hair, boobs that seem to defy gravity, teeth that are blindingly white, fake eyelashes, and all of Sephora on her face. You do you girl, but also I just want to scrub your face and give you some low lights and start a book club where we read The Beauty Myth together.

Nick says that he first met Courtney at a bar, where she wooed him by climbing him like a tree. He says that he fell in love with both her and her daughter. They were together for a year, but then Courtney ended things 8 months ago after she saw THE TEXT. 

Courtney arrives first and starts drinking tequila because, really, she has no other options. There are cameras everywhere! Your ex who low-key hates you is going to arrive any minute! And…there’s an open bar! I’m surprised each time an episode ends without someone getting their stomach pumped.

Nick arrives second and they regard each other and hug awkwardly and you can tell that they are excited to see each other but also terrified. Courtney is wearing these velour leggings and I have no idea how they work - how do you get velour that tight on your body?

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Nick says that Courtney looks good which, I disagree, but sure. Nick then follows trope on this show of a man trying and failing to open a bottle alcohol. Nick asks about her daughter and Courtney says that the daughter misses Nick. In a moment that is so sad Nick says, “Does she ask about me?” and Courtney basically says yes and then follows that up with, “That’s something to think about,” meaning if you love my daughter so much why did you send THE TEXT and Nick says that he never stopped thinking about her. He also says, “Hey, nothing happened.”

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So then they play shot checkers? My gawd, this show provides these emotionally unstable lab rats with a shot checkers board? Do they also provide them with a tube and a bag of liquid charcoal? 

Courtney tells us that the best thing about their relationship was that they had fun anywhere they went. She says, “We were like Bobby and Whitney minus the hard drugs,” and, I mean, when I make a list of my top 100 “super fun couples” Bobby and Whitney…aren’t on it.

Nick talks about the fun times they used to have like a Mardi Gras road trip. He says he’s trying to forget about those times now because it’s so painful.

They move to the couch and Nick asks Courtney why she just broke up with him after seeing THE TEXT and didn’t ask him what happened. Courtney says she ended things so abruptly  because it wasn’t an innocent flirty text. It was, “Hey, are you up? Cause I’m horny and I want to come over and play.” So, yeah, you don’t really need to ask any follow up questions regarding that. Shit is really clear. Also, he sent it to his co-worker, who he spends long periods of time working with at the hospital. Nick says that he just wants Courtney to see his point-of-view and to be given the chance apologize.

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Courtney wants to know if Nick is sorry because he got caught or if he’s really sorry for his actions. She’s pretty sure that he and his co-worker were already banging before he sent that text, and Nick assures Courtney that, though he sent that text asking this other woman to have sexual contact with him, nothing physical ever happened between them. And, I mean, dude, I’ve seen you so, while a woman is within her rights to decline sex for any reason, I also think that her declining to get a piece of you sounds…unlikely? 

And then Nick lets us know about a super important detail, which is that whenever he and Courtney fought she would end their relationship. So, when he texted this co-worker asking if she would like to have sex times, he was, technically, not in a relationship with Courtney.  THAT IS SOME SUPER IMPORTANT CONTEXT. So then Courtney is like, “But it’s still cheating because you know that I don’t mean it when I break up with you,” and WHUT.

Let’s step back and define some terms:

Monogamous Relationship – when you and another person agree to bang only each other

Break Up – when you end the monogamous relationship, thereby relieving the other person of their obligation to not bang other people

Cheating – when you bang other people while you are in a monogamous relationship

Single – the state you find yourself in the second your partner says, “I’m breaking up with you.” See also “Not in a Relationship”.

Perfectly Reasonable Behavior – when you attempt to bang other people while you are single/not in a relationship

Emotional Manipulation – when you constantly break up with someone in order to gain leverage over them

Fucking Nonsense – when you constantly break up with some in order to gain leverage over them but expect them to understand that you’re just emotionally torturing them because that’s kind of your thing and they are expected to still behave as though you two are in a committed, monogamous relationship EVEN THOUGH YOU JUST ENDED THAT RELATIONSHIP CAUSE YOUR SHIT IS SO MESSY THAT ACTUAL RUNNY DIARRHEA IS LIKE, “DAMN, GET IT TOGETHER.”

Nick says that, “Some people could say that texting people isn’t actually cheating,” which, sure, I guess. Some people, who is everybody, could also say that once you are dumped you can text all you want because you’re a free agent, you’ve been released from your contract, and if Courtney wants you remain monogamous she should stop dumping you and later claiming it was just for pretend.

Nick then trys a new argument and says, “If this is cheating, then you cheated on me via text too.” Courtney admits that there was one instance when they were on a break when she texted someone something that was inappropriate and, sure, but like “break ups are real things” is a better argument, but at least she’s conceding some ground.

Nick says, “We are both wrong and it’s not fair for me to be the worst.” Nick is turning up the heat and I am here for it. He tells us that communication between them was really bad when they were together. Courtney says to herself that she just doesn’t trust anybody which, cool, that’s your thing, I just need you to take that “I suck” necklace off of Nick and hang it around your own damn neck.

Nick wants to know why Courtney even wanted to even see him again if he’s this awful cheater man, and she says, “Cause I’m in love with you.” And Nick says “I need a minute” and he leaves the room and does that thing where you stand in a hallway with a beverage and wonder how the fuck your life came to this.

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Nick tells us that still loves Courtney too but it’s really hard for him because she’s kind of evil. A few minutes later he comes back into the apartment and they have weird quiet crying dinner.

Courtney asks if he’s OK and he says yeah but she thinks that he’s lying. Courtney is like, “But about THE TEXT…” and Nick is like, “But about THE EMOTIONAL ABUSE.”  Courtney says that when they fought she would end things, but wouldn’t really mean it, and would only be gone for a few hours before she would come back to it. Nick is like NOPE THAT IS NOT ACCURATE and Courtney finally admits that her fight or flight response is at Defcon 1 and she needs to work on it. She goes to take a shower and I guess they provide amaze shower caps because afterwards her hair is perfect.

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After her shower they play cards in the kitchen. Courtney says that her intuition is telling her to take a chance on Nick but her subconscious is telling her run away and girl, you know that your subconscious can’t actually tell you anything, right? That’s the SUB part. They play cards to see where Nick sleeps that night and if he gets to kiss her and I can’t figure out the rules of their card game but it ends with him kissing her and them both sleeping in the bed.

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So they definitely bang, but they do it in such a way where the producers don’t get any good sound clips.

In the morning they make Folgers coffee and why doesn’t this show have a budget? That shit is the most upsetting thing I’ve seen so far, until the next moment where Nick is wearing a sleeveless hoodie who whut where why and sometimes how.

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They reveal that they have gotten back together as a result of this show and are committed to working on their relationship.

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Courtney plans to surprise her daughter that Nick is back in her life by taking her to an amusement park. And, I don’t know, maybe surprise your daughter by not throwing her new pseudo-daddy out of the house every time he forgets to pick up his socks?

And then we find out that they are living together and still working on their trust issues, by which I take to mean Courtney is still breaking up with him once a fortnight. Good luck?

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In summary: YOU WERE ON A BREAK

HOW I STOPPED HATING ROMANCE AND EMBRACED KILT SEX WITH OUTLANDER

HOW I STOPPED HATING ROMANCE AND EMBRACED KILT SEX WITH OUTLANDER

WE READ THE HANDMAID'S TALE EMMYS FASHION

WE READ THE HANDMAID'S TALE EMMYS FASHION