WE READ THE HANDMAID'S TALE EMMYS FASHION
The Handmaid’s Tale won a buttload of Emmys, including Best Drama and Best Actress to the preternatural Elisabeth Moss. More importantly, Margaret Atwood was there. This woman is bomb, as my students would say (they wouldn’t say that, but I don’t give a shit).
Feast your eyes on this coat, if you dare! Brocade and quilted and Handmaid’s Red. I love this woman. She looks like the most sophisticated witch in the coven. SHE LOOKS LIKE A TRUE CANADIAN GENIUS. She already knows they won all of the awards, because she read her organic tea leaves this morning. She is the picture of confidence.
MORE EVIDENCE THAT NO ONE IS BETTER THAN MARGARET ATWOOD:
Because I am an insane person, I just spent thirty minutes searching for and then looking at the October cover of a Canadian magazine geared towards baby boomers, or “Zoomers” as apparently they call them in Canada. This picture is like Atwood is Crocodile Dundee-ing herself: “That’s not a coat. This is a COAT.” And friends, this is a COAT. It’s huge and beautifully purple. It has a metallic property. And if it gets really cold in Canada, I’m fairly sure it is rated as a -30 degree sleeping sack. Look at how she stands above these other women. She is truly a queen.
RANKING: 5 pats of face butter. A whole stick of face butter.
Elisabeth Moss wore a terrible dress to get her awards.
I can barely dress myself, but even I know this is terrible. The color is the absolute worst--the straplessness of it all is like, junior prom level depressing, and tea length?!? Give me a fucking break, Emmy winner E. Moss! This is something Peggy would pick out!
RANKING: 2 black market lipsticks
This bitch though. This is a damned dress! On theme with the Handmaid’s Red, but also super sexy. Boobs and everything. The hair is a bit severe, just like Serena Joy! Yvonne Strahovski did not win but she won, if you know what I mean.
RANKING: 1 triple word score
Samira Wiley did not win either, but she did win the pink wearing contest. This color looks beautiful on her. Although, I will say that I was google image searching and she looked beautiful last year in a hot pink one shoulder gown last year. Like, more beautiful. She still looks lovely, though.
RANKING: 3 scratched graffitis
I don’t watch award shows--I only watch clips the day after. That’s how I know that Stephen Colbert danced with Handmaids in the opening. Handmaids and Handmen.
My gut says I hate this. My heart loves Colbert. My brain tells me that the whole number was a cynical, nihilistic laugh grab (I’m pretty sure my brain read that on Slate).
RANKING: 5 sticks with the cattle prod.
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