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Hi.

Our thumbs are basically numb from texting back and forth 24/7 about everything we love (AND HATE) that's happening on our televisions, iPads, and eye glasses (hi, we think we're funny) and we thought WHY NOT SHARE THIS JOY WITH THE WORLD?!  

DON'T TRUST A DUDE WHO CAN'T OPEN HIS EYES (A NIGHT WITH MY EX RECAP)

DON'T TRUST A DUDE WHO CAN'T OPEN HIS EYES (A NIGHT WITH MY EX RECAP)

The exes: Renatta, 37 and Jason, 36
The reason for the break-up: You know that thing where as soon as someone consents to be with you, you fly away on a private jet and don't talk to them for two years? Jason has that thing.
What Renatta wants out of this evening: To find out why Jason is the worst
What Jason wants out of this evening: To propose to Renatta in a way where he can later claim she just misunderstood him
After the first 30 seconds I am team: Renatta

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First of all, Renatta’s outfit is everything.

Renatta and Jason first met when they were in kindergarten and it was love at first sight. Jason was so smitten that he stole his mother’s ring and gave it to Renatta.

Renatta says that Jason was so great to date because he gave her trips and clothes and gifts and all the things that made her feel loved and special before he abandoned her, only to return years later and do the whole thing over again.

Jason says that they dated on and off for a long time, and were together for a year about two years ago. He took her to an R Kelly concert, which he's trying to use as an example of how into her he is, which I take to mean that he just wants to emotionally manipulate/pee on her.

Jason's goal is to be honest and hope that, in doing so, Renatta will see that he's changed and let him back into her life.

Renatta arrives first and starts drinking because alcohol is the only way to get through this horror show of a situation. Like next season of American Horror Story is just going to be A Night With My Ex re-runs. Jason then arrives and brings an enormous bouquet of flowers. He lays eyes on Renatta and says, “Damn, she’s still bad,” and yes she is but also how dare you look at it you have not yet earned the right. Renatta is like, “Wow flowers you are clearly trying to manipulate me I will put them in water while I let you know that I am not impressed.”

Renatta opens with, “I haven’t seen you in a long time. Why haven’t I seen you in a long time?” Jason says, “That’s a good question,” and she says, “Yes, that is a good question.” Jason blames his career and Renatta calls bullshit.

Renatta tells us that they work well together because they have a lot of things in common - he likes paintings, she’s a painter. She likes dudes who can barely open their eyes and thus look high all the time, and Jason is 100% that.

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Renatta calls the flowers “Very Jason of you,” and Jason comments that she has a fence up, “But if it’s a fence, I can hop that fence, now I'm in your yard, what are you going to do now?” Ask for you to stop using metaphors that cast you as a predator and the woman you claim to love as prey? Respect Renatta's boundaries? Don't make romantic gestures that are also illegal?

Renatta asks him why he always seeks her out, makes her fall for him, and then makes sure to leave and not catch her. He says it’s because he wasn’t ready back then. While they have this conversation, she is on the couch and he is across the room on the stairs, which I think is a smart move because I get the sense that Renatta would be well within her rights to bite him.

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Renatta says that she thought that Jason was her husband and Jason responds, "Don’t think I wasn’t thinking about you," but then he says that he couldn't call her because if he did he'd have to talk about the fact that he's the worst and he didn't feel like it. OH WELL THEN I GUESS IT'S FINE.

Renatta asks if there was somebody else and Jason says, “There were other females,” and, dude, DUDE, ALL DUDES, MEN OF THE WORLD please listen to me when I say that when you say “females” instead of “women” you aren’t being slick or cool or amusing - you’re being gross. Stop it. You call a dog a female, you call a woman a WOMAN.

Renatta gets to the heart of it, “Why was it my time, my spirit, my history, not enough?” She starts to cry while saying, “You sound like every other man.” Jason then apologizes for being a man which is an amazing moment I rewound it and watched it like three times. Renatta says, “Typical men act like that. I didn’t think you was basic.” Jason admits that he is basic and I am getting my life.

Renatta gets up to get another drink and says, “OK so why, why are you here?” Jason says that he wants to see if their relationship can be fixed. Jason then tries to demonstrate how he’s different by showing Renatta a deck of cards and pointing out how the queen card is followed by the king and that has to be a sign. It's also how a new deck of cards is always arranged - your arguments are bad and you should feel bad.

Jason says that he is stressed out because he really cares for Renatta and he wants her back. He says “please forgive me” and she shoots back “you didn’t say you were sorry.” So now, finally, Jason says he’s sorry. But then he has to follow it up by saying,“The thing that’s going to keep us apart is that you don’t want to understand that I’m in a different place now.” NOPE. The thing that's going to keep you apart is that you don't want to understand that your actions have consequences. I'm really, really, really disliking this man.

Renatta is starting to soften to him, though. She asks how she can know that he changed and Jason says she can tell because this is deepest conversation they’ve ever had. WHUT. You were together for a year and this is the deepest conversation you've ever had? THIS CONVERSATION ISN'T THAT DEEP. I mean, Jason is admitting that he has emotions and maybe has fucked up once in his life, so I guess that's amazing progress, but I'm not really sure how.

Renatta gets up and writes on two pieces of paper - they both say "3rd time’s the charm" and "3 strikes you’re out." She says that they’re going to go to bed and then wake up and circle which one they feel, which is supposed to be an adorable call back to their childhood relationship but I think Renatta just wants something for her scrapbook.

Renatta's pajamas are everything.

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They go to bed at the very reasonable time of 10:25PM and sleep in the same bed. Jason has his arm around her but they are using different blankets because Renatta is not new to this game.

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In the morning, they take their papers and circle their answers and reveal that they both circled "3rd times the charm."

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And then Jason gets up and reveals that he brought with his mom's ring, the one he stole and gave to Renatta back in kindergarden, and then he gets down on one knee and offers it to her but keeps saying things that are vague and mean nothing like, "I want to take this thing to the next level...let's give it a shot...this time will be different," so it looks like he might be proposing but probably not because he isn't, at any point, using the word "marriage" or any of its equivalents.

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Renatta asks him what the ring means and he says, "History, commitment, friendship," and like I'm pretty sure he's just reciting the mission statement of their elementary school.

Renatta is not satisfied by this bullshit response, so she attempts to clarify - "If someone asks you, 'What is Renatta to you?' what would you say?" And Jason says, "That's my baby," (longest pause in history) "That's my fiancee." And then Renatta is incredibly hyped and happy and they call his mom and tell her the good news. 

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But I'm super bothered by this proposal because I don't think that he actually intends to marry her? I think he just wanted to look like a hero on TV and do it in a way that would later allow him to say, "You know, I never proposed to you, so the fact I have a date tonight with someone else is totally fine." 

And then the end of the episode confirms that I am a genius:

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In summary: If a dude you are interested in refers to women as "females", stand up and run away from him at top speed while simultaneously blocking his number on your phone.

WE READ THE HANDMAID'S TALE EMMYS FASHION

WE READ THE HANDMAID'S TALE EMMYS FASHION

QUICK, WATCH THIS CARTOON HORSE SHOW

QUICK, WATCH THIS CARTOON HORSE SHOW