TO BE REAL (RHOAUCKLAND RECAP)
We open at Michelle’s house and the dog that she hates. She tells us that she doesn't really hate the dog, it's just that she can't fucking stand it. She’s called in someone named Doggy Dan to help her figure out how to get her dog to leave her the fuck alone, but when he arrives she is so immediately attracted to his ridic white man curly hair that she calls him "Doggy Style Dan" because she thinks he’s cute and then introduces herself as "Missionary Michelle" and GIRL THANK GAWD YOU'RE MARRIED YOU ARE NOT GOOD AT FLIRTING. I assume she's so ridiculously good looking that she never had to work on saying things that made sense/weren't gross before.
Doggy Dan takes one look at Michelle's dog and is like, “Fucking pet your dog and tell him he's a good boy and he'll be less of a nervous mess." Gilda comes over with her dog over and Michelle tells her that Dan is super sexy and Gilda is like, "Um...sure."
Louise meets Angela for tea and to talk about Louise’s career. Louise has auditioned for a part that she really wants and she wants Angela to...smile at her creepily? The fuck can Angela do about it? I really don't know, but Angela brought some chakra oil to help Louise out because OF COURSE SHE DID. Angela tells Louise to stand in her power and be happier and take this vial of bullshit spread it around her aura and then smell it with her nose.
And now she has the part! JK, she didn't get it.
They talk about how they both basically want to be loved by complete strangers and they also both admit that this desire is kind of fucked up. I'm a complete stranger and I don't really care for either of you so, yes, you should find new goals.
Julia accompanies Anne to go feed some cats which they both keep calling "Parnell pussies" and every time Anne says "pussies" it's like a reverse The Vagina Monologues - it makes you want to strap on a chastity belt and pretend that nothing at all ever happens down there. Angela has Julia climb up a cliff and they both talk about how Julia is in the wrong outfit which is confusing because I swear Anne is in the exact same outfit - they're both in tight ass pants and high heels. They slap cat food into various containers and production is sure to get a lot of wet squishy sounds in and then they say "pussies" a few more times and I don't think I'm ever going to have sex again.
Anne says that when she dies she wants a viking kitty funeral, you know, that totally normal funeral where you are incinerated alongside the ashes of every cat you've ever loved? Anne is not OK you guys.
Lousie's agent, who is 23 years old, tells her that she didn’t get that role she had auditioned for and also there are no other auditions on the horizon. No one is surprised, so let's all move on.
Julia arranges for all of the women to do some clay pigeon shooting in the country. The woman all dress for the occasion and the producers make them walk in a straight line:
Louise says that they all look great and, I mean, if manic bulky fall plaid realness is your thing then, yes, I guess they're pulling it off:
Anne says that she’s not shooting because it's possible that a real bird could fly up and be shot accidentally while they’re aiming at the fake birds. Michelle takes a pass because it’s just not her scene and she doesn't give a shit. This means that Michelle gets to release the clay pigeons while Julia shoots. Julia tells us that she's excited to show the girls how good she is at shooting and let's take this moment to itemize the things that Julia thinks that she is good at that she isn't any fucking good at:
- Looking good
- Being interesting
- Not being a racist sack of shit
- Taking a face full of wine
Julia sucks the most at shooting but, meanwhile, Angela, who’s never done it before, hits every single thing that she aims at. Gilda is, of course, amazing at sooting tells us that she shot all the guns during the Iranian revolutions. Louise is also really good at it shooting, which means that Julia ties for last place with Angela and Julia is PISSED.
Anne says it's unseemly for women to shoot guns because they’re supposed to be caring and nurturing and completely powerless. Over lunch, Anne tells the other women that she can’t abide killing animals and the girls are like “Sure, but you are literally wearing a fur coat right now” and Anne says it’s fine because it’s a fox that was going to die anyway. I mean, Anne, everything is going to die anyway, including that poor bird that you refused to shoot anywhere near. Anne was gifted all of her coats so she thinks it's fine and the other women think that Anne's a total hypocrite. If intelligence is the ability to hold two contradictory ideas in your mind at the same time then Anne is a fucking genius.
Julia says that she finds shooting to be stimulating and Michelle pretends that Julia actually gets off and I'm going to update our "things Julia is bad at" list to include:
7. Being sexual in any way
Angela announces to the women that she's going to publish a second book all about being real. She says that the girls don't seem impressed because they're worried that if they’re going to learn something about themselves if they read it. And, Angela, girl, GURL, you are full on delusional. Like, I need you to do the work that would allow you to imagine a world where someone can be completely rational and also just not like you. I need you to imagine a world where your opinion is only your opinion and not some amazing revelation. I need you to imagine a world where you don't smile constantly in hopes of tricking everybody into loving you. I NEED YOU TO NOT.
In a moment that makes me smile every time I think of it, Gilda announces to the women that she is also publishing a second book in her series of sci-fi comics for children, and Angela makes this face:
Gilda says that her book aims to teach children about cosmology and astronomy and it's such a lovely parallel because Angela's book is basically, "Blah blah blah please believe that I'm amaze so I can stop hating myself," and Gilda's book is, "This teaches kids about the universe and there isn't a picture of my cleavage anywhere in here."
So now, of course, they're going to have dueling book launch parties. Gilda plans her party with a man named Mark who is wearing an unironic fashion scarf:
Gilda wants the party to be fabulous but also low key so of course they create a custom cocktail with whiskey that has been to space. Gilda says that she doesn’t care if her launch is better than Angela’s and Mark is like, “But it 100% will be”
Angela is shoots her book cover, and invites her best friends in the world to come and help. Sad thing is, her best friends in the world are her French personal assistant, Lea, and her spiritual healer, Karen, both of whom are definitely charging her hourly for their services. The thing with Angela, you guys, is that I want to full on hate her but I just end up feeling sorry for her. She is so obviously doing HER best that reading her just feels mean. Anyway, she pretends that it isn't her idea to take pictures in a bubble bath.