YOU LEGIT STOLE THAT WATCH (A NIGHT WITH MY EX RECAP)
The exes: Schedel, 29 and Conrad, 26
The reason for the break-up: Schedel didn’t show Conrad enough affection so Conrad broke into Schedel’s phone and read every text he’s ever sent
What Schedel wants out of this evening: To show Conrad how much he cares for him and, in the process, win him back
What Conrad wants out of this evening: To make Schedel cry at least four times
After the first 30 seconds I am team: Schedel
Schedel and Conrad met while they both worked at gay clubs in Dallas. They dated for 10 months and haven’t seen each other at all in the 6 months since their break up.
Schedel presents as tapioca pudding while Conrad presents as one of those cocktails with eight umbrellas in it. Schedel says that Conrad is a sweet person and that he still loves him while Conrad says that their relationship was magical, but there were trust issues, mostly that Conrad didn’t trust Schedel for a single fucking second. Conrad became convinced that Schedel was cheating on him and looked at Schedel’s phone history, which prompted Schedel to dump him.
Conrad says that Schedel “...was my American dream,” and that’s sweet but also America never promised you unconditional dick/love. I’ve read the constitution and that ain’t in there.
Conrad predicts that they’re going to “fuss and fight”, by which he means he’s going to go HAM on Schedel and Schedel’s going to gently weep. Schedel is hoping to show Conrad how much he loves and misses him, and Conrad is hoping “To get back a piece of my heart,” which is his way of saying, “Make that asshole suffer for my amusement.”
Schedel arrives first and starts drinking because he’s human. Conrad arrives and they have a long hug. Schedel says that he’s drinking Canadian whiskey and I say, out loud, to myself, “Ew.”
Schedel comments on Conrad’s outfit, which is fucking LOUD, and Conrad makes fun of Schedel’s boring ass cream shirt. Conrad breaks down love for us by explaining that there are dog people, who are great and give love all the time, and then there are cat people, who suck and take love and also bite you. Guess which one Conrad is? THE GOOD ONE OBVI. And that makes Schedel the horrible cat person. I’m starting to think that Schedel breaking up with Conrad was like the best decision he ever made.
They sit down to chat and we find out that Conrad showed up wearing Schedel’s watch, socks, and rolled in with Schedel’s suitcase.
Conrad calls the stolen items his “settlement” and says that he earned these things through…an unfounded sense of entitlement? Schedel is like, “That’s kind of not OK,” but doesn’t fight any more than that while Conrad smugly looks at the watch like, “Theft is so hot right now”
Conrad tells us that Schedel was raised with money and he wasn’t, which I think he mentions as a way of justifying stealing things and also adding “class warfare” to a list of reasons this relationship went bad.
They go to the producer questions that will for sure make your face cry. Conrad asks, “What actions during our relationship were you not proud of?” and Schedel says that he didn’t do anything he wasn’t proud of. Conrad is like, “THEN WHY DID YOU TEXT A MAN NAMED BOB?” Schedel says that Bob wanted to be his friend and they exchanged numbers and Conrad is like, “YOU ARE A LIAR NO ONE WANTS TO BE YOUR FRIEND YOU WERE OBVIOUSLY FUCKING HIM.” You guys, Conrad is legit insane. Schedel says that he knew that Conrad was a controlling weirdo so he tried to get ahead of the inevitable screaming fight the two of them would have by showing Conrad the texts from Bob so it wouldn’t become an issue. Conrad responds “Yes, you rubbed them under my nose.” OK, so, apparently Conrad is that type of bitch who can’t able to take full breath unless he’s convinced that someone somewhere is doing him wrong.
Conrad was hoping that they could have an honest conversation but since Schedel won’t admit that he touched Bob’s dick there’s no point in speaking. Conrad decides to make dinner instead and starts pounding the shit out of some chicken breasts.
He tells us that when they were together he cooked the meals, did the dishes, paid the bills, did all of the house work, AND DID ALL OF THE TALKING OMG SCHEDEL HAS NOT SPOKEN IN THE PAST 10 MINUTES AND IT’S ONLY A 20 MINUTE SHOW. So Schedel was a dead ass who let Conrad do all of the house work all of the time, but I’m OK with it because it allowed Conrad to feel put-upon, WHICH IS HIS FAV.
Conrad says that he was always trying to show Schedel how much he loved him but Schedel reciprocated so rarely that it was really painful. Conrad’s love language is ALL OF THEM while Schedel’s love language is leaving the room.
Schedel cries in his testimonial and says that didn’t know how to open the avocado shell of his heart and pour it out into the guacamole of love. And he so means what he’s saying but it’s also the grossest metaphor I’ve ever heard and I have a MFA in creative writing.
Schedel says that Conrad deserves someone who can treat him better than he did and then they both cry. Schedel says that he loves Conrad and Conrad says…that he’s met someone else. Remind me never to cut off Conrad in traffic lest I come home and find that he’s murdered my entire family.
Schedel is surprised that Conrad has moved on to a new relationship because they basically just broke up and Conrad says, “What did you think that I was going to sit around and wait for you?” and Schedel says, “That’s what I did.” Schedel asks Conrad to tell him about the new guy and Conrad is basically like, “He is nice to me unlike you,” and damn, CONRAD SUCKS YOU GUYS. Like, they both hurt each other, but Conrad is so petty about the whole thing.
They put on pajamas and Schedel brings out some flaming hot popcorn and they sit on the couch and eat it with chopsticks.
Conrad tells Schedel to stop touching his foot and also stop sending him postcards and flowers. Conrad spits out, “You’re not coming back,” and Schedel looks so sad. Schedel tells us, “It’s lovely just to be around him again. It’s been lonely for months,” and I feel like this was an emotionally abusive relationship and Schedel needs to get completely clear of it. Like, stop begging this man who yelled at you all of the time and invaded your privacy and stole your shit to be your boyfriend again. Schedel, there are so many other men in the world who want to date you and your money. You can do better.
Before they go to bed Schedel gives Conrad a ring and Conrad holds it and just weeps.
Conrad says that he loved the ring the first time he saw it and Schedel giving it to him shows him that their relationship meant something. Conrad says that he now has that piece of himself back and is that ring a Horcrux? The fuck does it have to do with your heart? You just liked wearing it and now you own it and hence you’re weeping? YOU PROLLY WOULD HAVE STOLEN IT GIVEN THE CHANCE IT’S NOT THAT DEEP.
The next morning, Schedel holds a mimosa and asks Conrad if he still has feelings for him. Conrad fixes his hair and says, airily, “No, I don’t love you anymore.”
Schedel says that he loves Conrad in a deep and complicated and messy kind of way and wants to have him as a part of his life.
In summary: Schedel, after you watch this episode, block Conrad’s number.