TERRIBLE SECRETS AND TERRIBLE PANTS (A NIGHT WITH MY EX RECAP)
The exes: Sunnie, 31 and Matt, 34.
The reason for the break-up: She ghosted him
What Sunnie wants out of this evening: Her man back
What Matt wants out of this evening: His woman back and a chance to reveal his TERRIBLE SECRET
After the first 30 seconds I am team: Matt
I think the main reason I'm team Matt is that Sunnie's outfit is doing the most and she has one of those personalities where, if you met her in a bar, she’d spent two hours giving you her life story and you wouldn't get the chance to speak. Sunnie tells us that Matt is the only ex-boyfriend she's ever had that she doesn’t want to physically hurt. Sunnie is intense. They met when they were 18 year old Houston club kids and does Houston have a club kid scene? I don’t think that’s a thing.
They dated on and off for 3-½ years until Sunnie got an amaze job writing for a magazine. They would fight and Sunnie would leave for work without resolving their shit and then one day she just didn’t come back and they never talked again. It’s been 3 years since they broke up.
Sunnie arrives at the apartment of modern furniture/surveillance first and pours herself a shot which: same. When you’re alone in a room with a bunch of cameras and your ex is about ready to walk it your only real option is to do shots. Then she walks around for a sec, sits down, says “Oh, fuck,” and pours herself another shot.
Matt tells us that he still loves Sunnie but he’s worried because he has a TERRIBLE SECRET THAT HE MUST SHARE. Ugh. I hated this plot point when it was on Downton Abbey and I hate it now. As Matt is enters the apartment, Sunnie whispers to herself “Be cool! Be cool!” and low key hyperventilates. Matt comes in, they quickly hug, and he says “Already started drinking huh?” and yes, absolutely, because this is a fucking horrific experience and the booze appears to be free.
Sunnie tells us that she looks at Matt’s Insta every single day, first thing in the morning and that thing appears to be a total thirst trap so I do not blame her.
They both do shots. They ask each other about their families at the same moment and then laugh. Sunnie tell us that she knows she loves Matt because she feels it in her vag.
They sit at the table and have more drinks and Matt asks Sunnie if she ever loved him when they were together. Sunnie feels really bad that it wasn’t clear at the time that she was tits-crazy in love with him. She admits that she was selfish and neglected him because she was afraid to lose her dream job, but instead she lost him. Matt says that he lost her too and it’s like they are actually maybe going to make out? But then Matt is like, “WAIT I HAVE TO TELL YOU MY TERRIBLE SECRET,” and Sunnie, gawd love her, is like, “Pass.” But Matt persists like, “BUT I MUST,” and Sunnie says, “Cool, but I’m going to go change first."
She goes upstairs to change at 6:17PM and does not come back down for A FUCKING HOUR. Like, how do you change? What are the mechanics of your changing and why are they so involved? It's rude but I loved it because that's the best way to handle drama - promise to be right back and then bounce. When Sunnie comes down she’s changed into a bustier and a adorbs bathrobe, but then she’s also wearing flesh-colored pajama pants and bright yellow socks. I’m assuming she spent most of the time up there doing drugs and/or rubbing one out.
Matt gets her on the couch and confesses his TERRIBLE SECRET which is...when they were together he was cheating on her. With her best friend. And I was doing “you’re a dramatic prick ugh” ironic caps before but now I’m like GAWD DAMN THAT IS A TERRIBLE SECRET FOR REAL CAPS.
Sunnie’s reaction to this horrible news to:
- Drain her drink
- Calmly ask Matt to tell her more
- Hold back tears
- Fucking cry for real
- Pour herself more champagne
- Move so she's no longer sitting next to him
- Yell at him
- Mock his voice
- Drink more
- Call him a fucking motherfucker
- When Matt complains, “You think I wanted to have sex with your best friend?” ask him exactly how his dick could accidentally end up in a vag
- Ask Matt if he wants her to forgive him
- Drink more
- Drink even more
- Defend her drinking because “I’m 31 and I can”
- Sarcastically say that she forgives him for every single time that he fucked her best friend
- Throw her drink in his face and scream, “I FUCKED HER TOO! I FUCKED HER TWICE!”
- Run out of the apartment while yelling, “She liked us boooooooooth!!!”
Matt picks up the broken glass by hand while Sunnie stands on the street in socks and wonders what she did to cause him to cheat on her. A few minutes later she comes back in and they hug it out and love is crazy, you guys.
Sunnie asks Matt if he ever genuinely loved her and he says that he really did. She asks if he has any other big secrets and he says that he doesn’t. He asks if they could possibly try to make things work again between the two of them. Sunnie admits that she still loves him and I think she has a hashtag tattoo on her forearm so even with Matt being a cheating sack of shit I stand by my earlier assessment, #teamMatt.
Sunnie then asks Matt if he would be into an open relationship and he says, “You mean like open house?” And she says kind of like an open house, only it’s more of an open vag, in that he would be the only man she would date, but she would also be dating her current girlfriend. Because she has a current girlfriend you guys! Matt says, “I’m not familiar with that kind of lifestyle,” and maintains that people in open relationships can’t really be in love. Sunnie says that open relationships are great because they defuse all the trust issues you would normally have and that sentence makes no sense because open relationships like rip trust issues all the way open.
Anyway, time for bed! Sunnie takes the bed while Matt paces around the apartment to consider this decision. He says, “Every guy dreams of having a threesome, so it’s something to think about,” and, I mean, did I blackout earlier because I don’t think Sunnie offered him a threesome. She said that she would date him AND her current girlfriend and at no point did she indicate or even imply that her girlfriend would also date Matt. An open relationship does not mean that everyone automatically has access to everyone else.
It’s morning and Sunnie wants to know what Matt thinks about this arrangement and hopes that he thinks it’s kind of hot. They talk and now it sounds like for sure that Sunnie is planning on both she and her girlfriend dating Matt and I am getting upset cause HAS ANYONE ASKED THE GIRLFRIEND? I doubt it. I’m going to need to see some notarized documents proving that the girlfriend has consented to have sex with man who is a complete stranger to her. Anyway, Matt passes on the open relationship, so they pack up and leave and decide to be friends.
In conclusion: I do not believe that Houston has club kids, you’re not allowed to pimp you’re your girlfriend out to random dudes as a way of enticing them to date you, that best friend can get it, team no one.