Our thumbs are basically numb from texting back and forth 24/7 about everything we love (AND HATE) that's happening on our televisions, iPads, and eye glasses (hi, we think we're funny) and we thought WHY NOT SHARE THIS JOY WITH THE WORLD?!  



The nightmare continues. Bachelor in Paradise has successfully dragged out another 15 mins of shit television into a two hour program.

We start this cavalcade of garbage, with Alexis feeding a blindfolded Jack Stone gross foods including nearly putting a dead crab in his mouth. Supposedly they’re friends. Did anyone remember she was on this show? I didn’t. Jack says he is going to give the crab back to her at the rose ceremony. *INSERT CRABS JOKE HERE*

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First new gal of the episode, is our virgin friend, Christen from Nick’s season. She starts with traditional paradise recon and decides that Matt will be the recipient of her date card, despite dire warnings from Jasmine to stay away. From what we know about her, Jasmine is loca, so I have no idea why Matt would encourage Christen to ask him on the date. Matt didn’t you know Jasmine would take this all out on Christen? Didn’t he know we’d have to watch Christen talk with swallow her toothpaste, foam oozing out of the corners of her mouth, when Jasmine goes to rip her a new one? LORT.

We have to hear Alexis, (was that Alexis? I cannot remember her face for the life of me) explain the story behind Christen’s nickname “Scallop Fingers.” Some sort heinous story about Christen eating leftover scallops in a car and some uptight Bachelor contestants getting hung up on it. Saving grace: Wells yet again making fun of all of them. 

Matt and Christen have a unmemorable date and we have to listen to Jasmine complain the whole time. When they return, Jasmine attacks Matt with kisses and it is horrifying. HORRIFYING. Christen is back at the seafood shortly after and makes Matt remove the tails of her shrimp.


Wells is yet again a breath of fresh air. Not only is he legit attractive, but in his interviews he has acquired a cheerleader puppet that he is pretending is Christen. He reenacts Christen’s story in paradise. At first I was skeptical of the puppet usage, as Producer gimmicks usually blow, but bless Wells for telling it like it is. “Brand new boobs, still a virgin, but that’s all going to change with Matt! Me asking Matt out on a date will have zero, ZERROOO negative consequences. No crazy person named Jasmine is going to come and rip my face off,” says puppet Christen.

Full disclosure, I left to make a frozen pizza here, because I DON’T GIVE A SHIT ABOUT JASMINE VS. SCALLOP FINGERS. For the sake of this recap, I did begrudgingly rewind to find Jasmine stalking Matt and Christen, whom she thinks is in his bed. Again, all of the onus is on Christen, even though this is actually Matt’s issue with Jasmine. Remember how they all talked about not slut shaming in their very special episode about consent at the beginning of the season? Apparently, no one has learned from the lines they were fed by the writers.

In a break from a tense game of Scattergories, Robby and his combover slips away to fill the hot tub with glow sticks he brought with from home. How long were you thinking about this, Robby? He invites Amanda over to enjoy his premeditated treat. Robby goes in for a kiss and Amanda isn’t feeling it. DENIED. Personally, I don’t think his level of spooky is spooky enough for her. She likes ‘em real jack-o-lanterny and real aggressive. Get creepier, man, or she’ll never love you!

Back in the cabanas, Adam and Sarah are having a weird drunken convo about his interest in Raven. He appears to have been awoken from a nap, or he has hit the biggest bong, and tells her point blank he isn’t sure who he wants to date. I’m pretty sure he will have no recollection of that discussion. Dean and Kristina, nearby, are discussing D-Lo, per usual. Dean still wants to put it in both of them. Shocker. Poor choice of words, I mean: no surprises here.


Taylor and Derek are having a discussion about the taxing nature of “paradise” and how hard it is to be seeing each other constantly. Taylor is concerned that he doesn’t want to talk about their issues and runs away from difficult conversations. She expresses that is not what she is looking for in a partner. It feels like these two are having a legitimate conversation about mutual respect and communication, until Derek quietly mutters “fuck you” to Taylor. She is, rightfully, upset. Taylor explains she has been verbally abusive relationships before. Derek doesn’t get it. He asks to kiss her. Derek, please take two seconds and listen to the woman, so I can stop yelling at the TV! Taylor takes some time to herself. Derek best sort his shiz out, stat.

Sweaty contestants assemble to be briefed by Chris Harrison. He reminds everyone that the guys are handing out the roses this evening and a few women will be going home. Chris hints at a plot twist. I can guarantee it is going to be stupid, though I am still hoping this means producers have decided to release live scorpions into the cabanas. A girl can dream.

First couple to chat, after the rose ceremony threat from Chris, is Raven and Adam. They make out. Second couple to chat is Sarah and Adam. They make out. Then we hear from Lacey about how much fun she had with Diggy. Guess what? Dominique chimes in about how much fun she had with Diggy. Lacey confronts Diggy. She goes on and on, only to have Diggy say he’s giving his rose to Dominique. Oh Lacey!

Let’s not forget Dean and his love triangle. Did you notice he has a triangle tattoo on his bicep? He makes the claim to Kristina “everything I do that involves you, I consider your emotions pretty much before mine every single time.” Emphasis on the “pretty much.” Smooches are had. Dean goes to talk to D-Lo. He claims to be infatuated with her. Smooches also had here.

Robby roles up looking like Stuart from MadTV.


He’s brought Amanda some hotel slippers for her kid. She tries to flirt with him “you’re so hot,” she coos in baby voice and he shuts down any possible chemistry by saying “thanks, babe. I appreciate it. I tried. I got all dressed up for you.” She proceeds to fan him playing off the comment like she meant he was very warm. They move down to the beach cabana and make out because she feels like she owes him. He says “there she is!” mid-makeout. LORT. Amanda, you don’t owe him anything. Robby, please curb your desperation.

Christen puppet is back! Is it actually funny or am I brainwashed? Either way, Wells you are a blessing on this island of doom. There is talk of Wells having a rose. I think it was joke, but WHY ARE YOU KIDDING ABOUT SOMETHING LIKE THAT. That would be dope. Dope, I tell you!


Taylor and Derek are talking it out again. This conversation is actually productive and somewhat emotionally mature. Derek is learning about trigger warnings. His apology feels legitimate. Is there GROWTH happening on this show? I guess it was bound to happen.

Christen looks so much like Charo.

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Her hair, her makeup, her new boobs! She pulls Matt aside to talk about the rose situation. She just got here, she doesn’t want to leave! Matt can’t guarantee a rose. Matt talks to Jasmine. He thinks Jasmine is standing in the way of Jasmine. But guess what? Matt is leaving! I’m left wondering, am I supposed to care? What happens to Matt’s rose? Will Charo automatically be sent home? Cuchi cuchi? Matt doesn’t say goodbye to Christen.

Hey! It’s crying on the beach time! Mascara, mascara, mascara. Our sage bartender, again the voice of reason points out that Matt could have given the rose to one of them and still left, so that one of the gals could stay, but Matt is selfish and has far apart eyebrows, so he didn’t. Wells breaks it down like this, “With Matt leaving, that leaves Jasmine and Christen dying for a rose and that leaves only one eligible bachelor left in paradise…and that would be, serial killer, Jack Stone.” THIS IS THE FUNNIEST FUCKING THING I HAVE HEARD ALL NIGHT. Wells, oh Wells, Stockholm Syndrome be damned. I adore you.

Jasmine cries on Jack Stone in order to get his rose. It doesn’t work. Christen cries on Jack Stone. It MIGHT work. She’s talking about her virginity again. She mentions sociopaths are really into her being a virgin. They play “Psycho” stabby music, but for real, editors, WHAT DO YOU KNOW ABOUT JACK STONE? WHERE ARE THE BODIES? Christen sloppy kisses him.

They reconvene for another sweat drenched chat with our man Chris Harrison. I almost wrote Chris Hansen, but like is this THAT far off from To Catch a Predator? He announces with Matt’s departure, they are going to bring someone in to give another gal a chance at a rose… And in walks Daniel. UGH. BARF. BARF. BARF. Have we not had enough of Daniel? Remind me to get drunk before I watch the next episode. Like, really really drunk.

We close with Wells and his puppets.