BEHOLD DANIEL: A LIVING, BREATHING DICK PIC (BACHELOR IN PARADISE RECAP)
Look, I don't care how many friends of friends of friends you know that got married after meeting on the Tinder, that shit is awful. Yesterday, while I'm frolicking in Door County with my family - grandmas and little children and goats and everything - this dude I'd been talking to messaged me, apropos of nothing:
Would u like to see what you could really have?
Hahahaha, what do you mean, I replied.
I think you know : )
This dude thinks I want to see his dick when he can't even take the time to spell out "YOU"? WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE, I HAVE AN MFA. The only thing worse than actually dating on Bumble/Tinder/Match/Hinge/Cupid/WhatTheFuckEver is having to watch this shit show of today's dating mores play out through a bunch of half-hearted hard-bodied heauxs as exhausted as we are. Everyone in Paradise has the enthusiasm of a world-weary thirty-something swiping through endless people who "LOVE TRAVEL!" while getting their oil changed and regretting that they didn't marry their college sweetheart.
Look, I'm exhausted, but there's no rest for the weary, because guess what, that douche bag Daniel is back.
Lacy literally bounds from the couch and mounts him in the traditional Bachelor Nation greeting and he looks only mildly interested. But he’s got a rose to hand out and Lacy wants that rose as badly as Rachel WANTED DAT RING GIMMIE DAT RING! So Lacy steals Daniel away and the first thing she tells him is "No one is going to give me a rose." Oh dear god, Lacy, you are essentially participating in a real life romantic stock market and YOUR STOCK IS DOWN, GIRL. But you don't gotta be telling people about it!
Daniel talks to Christen Scallop Fingers and my mom is appalled by this show and yelling things so I don’t even know what was said, but I think in his interview he said he wants a girl who wants his dick. Great.
Jasmine has got to be drunk because she's looking puffy and crazy. She says Matt is a little bitch for leaving the way he did. I mean, I think men are pretty bad generally, but as men go, Matt seemed aight to me. Like there are definitely way bigger little bitches on that island, I'M LOOKING AT YOU DEAN.
TIME FOR THE ROSE CEREMONY
Daniel is up first with his rose. He choses Lacy. Why? The easiest lay? Jasmine is a total shit show. Christen’s hair looks crazy. Adam gives Jasmine a rose? Or is that Matt? I think that is Matt. He gives a speech about how she should be there, but he shouldn’t. Thanks producers for this bit of drama. Derek John Krasinski and Taylor have gotten past their argument, which is a bummer. Robby is still pretending to be into Amanda for the cameras. Diggy and Dom might like each other. Raven looks drunk and squinty eyed. Adam Who We Don't Know From Adam chooses Raven over Sarah. (Is that her name?) And then he gives Raven a speech about trust that's real...unfortunate? I mean Raven's the realest chick there, don't mansplain to her, dude. Dean chooses Kristina even tho DLO is “the more exciting option.” Ugh, that’s gonna sting on the playback. Ben Z chooses DLO, I guess because the producers told him too.
After the rose ceremony, Dean and Kristina are on one of those outdoor beds and I don’t understand what’s being bleeped. I mean I assume it’s weird sex stuff but IDK. Dean’s getting such a bad edit on BiP. I mean he can never, ever be the Bachelor now that he's shown himself to just be a sleeze who can barely form a sentence. I SEE YOU DEAN.
A bunch of producers dressed as Mexican wrestlers run around the complex.
Lacy says she "speaks Daniel" and the other heauxs don’t. A dubious distinction. He has a date card and says, directly to her face, that he already knows her and so he’s not sure they need to spend any more time together, he’s got to holla at the other girls. Lacy looks confused and I'm throwing things at the TV and lighting myself on fire.
Theres a gross convo between Daniel and Christen about Canadian bacon that's METAPHOR / NOT A METAPHOR.
After all that non-drama drama, Daniel picks Lacy. He just keeps saying weird sex things. He is a walking dick pic.
The Tickle Monster arrives. His date card says pick someone who tickles your fancy. GAHROSSSS. They’re really not going to let this thing go. But then they also really want us to know HE IS A DOCTOR. Girl, I see DOCTORS on the apps all the time, and they ain't all that special. Even Cliff Huxtable turned out to be a rapist, mmmkay. Tickle Monster has spandex pants on under his shorts and my mom is yelling at the TV, WHY WOULD ELLEN DEGENERES TICKLE HIM???, she's very indignant about this.
Tickle starts making out with Christen sort of out of nowhere. Then he tickles her out of nowhere. Gotta be honest, I think it's creepy AF and if Scallop Fingers was a tad bit smarter, she would too. And side note, JACK STONE YOU ARE TOO OLD TO DATE A VIRGIN PULL YOURSELF TOGETHER JACK STONE.
Lacy and Daniel get in a Mexican wrestling ring. Jorge is there. WTF. IN A JORGE MASK. WHY. I’ve never seen anyone as happy to be spending time with a douche bag than Lacy.
Kristina is still trying to solve THE MYSTERY OF DEAN. Dean is like Kristina is so much more perceptive and intelligent but DLO is just so fucking hot. OH GOD FUCK OFF DEAN. How do we get in these situations with these men? Kristina’s in tears.
“This guy is weirder than crap, Adrienne,” my mom says about Tickle’s and Scallop Fingers' date. He says he practices family medicine and is just covered in sweat. He kisses her with tiny hands on her face. THE ROMANCE I CAN’T STAND IT.
Scallop Fingers and Tickle come back from their date and everyone’s just sitting around and I keep thinking, this most be the most boring place on earth. You don’t ever even see anyone with a book. What could they possibly be talking about all day, every day? I mean no wonder Ben Z is just carrying rocks back and forth on the beach. I mean if I had to listen to these heauxs talk about the state of the world, I think I might just die. Because you know there are some Trump voters in there who have never read a book.
Jack Stone sweeps in to talk to Scallop Fingers. He starts making out with her with Tickle just right over there. Somehow this entire season doesn't feel dramatic, just desperate. Like a really bad junior high party of spin the bottle. I wish someone's mom would come in and send everyone home.
Dean and DLO are all over each other in the pool. CLASS ACT, DEAN. Kristina's in tears because, big reveal, Dean boned her last night and this is disrespectful. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO ENJOY MYSELF WHEN WE'RE BACK IN HIGH SCHOOL AND EVERYTHING IS TERRIBLE? WHO DOES THIS SHIT? ON CAMERA NO LESS? Dean tells DLO she’s the type of person he could fall in love with. SHADY SHADY. But like of course, she’s hot and dumb and Dean’s pretty dumb, so he needs someone dumber than him. But remember when he opened this season up with Kristina and was all, we’re connected over our troubled childhoods and was acting like he was deep and genuine. MEN. I love you Kristina, you seem really sweet and kind and strong and like, ugh I hate when people say this, but you deserve better. Go home and find yourself a nice guy who works in IT and likes to ride bikes on the weekends.
We’ve got to go join Chris in the reunion studios again. Sigh. You can’t expect me to recap them recapping a recap recapping recap. This is all Imma say about it:
Jasmine comes out in an ugly pirate wench dress. OH GOD, THEY BRING MATT OUT AND WE HAVE TO REHASH A TWO DAY RELATIONSHIP WTH A MEXICAN SERAPE BLANKET DRAPED OVER THE REUNION COUCH.
Corinne says it’s an honor to be asked to go to paradise. LOL IS THIS STOCKHOLM SYNDROME OR THIS IS JUST WHERE WE'RE AT AS A SOCIETY??? A reality tv star is the fucking president and it's an honor to be publicly shamed for having a vagina and possibly encouraging a guy to lick it. You guys, I'M AT THE END OF MY ROPE. Corinne says she drank on medication and blacked out. She says she doesn’t think DeMario did anything wrong. BiP puts on a montage to again blame the media for their shit and dear god, can we be released from this nightmare?
They give us a preview of the final two weeks and I’m like THANK GOD ITS ALMOST OVER AND WHY DO WE HAVE TO WATCH IDIOT TWINS ON BOTH BACHELOR IN PARADISE AND PROJECT RUNWAY, CAN'T WE HAVE ANYTHING NICE.
I love you all. I just cannot with this show, I cannot.