THIS IS THE WORST SHOW ON TELEVISION (BIP RECAP)
I cannot believe you guys are making me watch this show. Eight hours of my life, just, GONE. I watched Monday's episode and was like, this is the godamned worst, I refuse to recap it until I see the NEXT TWO HOURS on Tuesday. Then I couldn't bring myself to watch the next two hours of nothing until Wednesday, and then I had to have some time away to dull my rage, so sorry about the delay, but OH MY GOD the things I'd rather do than watch this show
- administer Nair for the Face along my jawline
- Go out with this asshole
- listen to my kid talk about the intricacies of Pokemon for the rest of my natural life
We're back to Dean and Kristina trying to solve THE MYSTERY OF DEAN. Kristina, girl, there is no mystery of Dean. He's just not that into you. We solved this on Sex and the City and then like a bunch of other movies and books WAY BACK, girl.
Wells, our sage bartender of wisdom, tells Kristina, "You have to play it like you give zero fucks." Sigh. I don't disagree with this assessment, because men are trash, but on principle I'm just angry now and don't understand how all these epic douche bags got all the power and why we don't just overthrow them and go live here and wait for Chris Pine to show up.
Adam Who We Don’t Know From Adam arrives. The girls are all excited about this “fresh meat.” Adam presides over a hot tub of douche bags to find out who likes who. AWWDKFA wants to go out with Raven and everyone is upset. Why is everyone obsessed with Raven? Adam Who We Don’t Know From Adam says he’s just going to make his rounds and “holler” at everyone.
Raven’s excited AWWDKFA is here but she also likes Ben Z so zzzzzzzzzzzzzz is how I feel. Raven says her goal is to be Evan and Carly. Yeah, ok. I mean my goal is to be Chaz and Roger Ebert. Or Oprah and Stedman. Or Prince Charles and Camilla, so we're not on the same page at all. We get to see a giant moth attack Adam during his interview and it’s the most likeable he’s ever been.
Adam asks Raven on the date and Kristina is disappointed because she lost her chance to make Dean jealous. This is how much Dean cares
She joins him on his pillow fort for a talk. He's like nah, Imma shower. And WE'RE BACK IN JUNIOR HIGH WHERE EVERYONE HAS ZERO EMOTIONAL INTELLIGENCE.
HOW HAS THERE STILL NOT BEEN A ROSE CEREMONY
Taylor gives us a breakdown of what’s going on with the men in hard core valley girl upspeak. “A lot of the guys are having bro-MANCES? And only paying attention to each OTHER? They don’t appear to be here to date the woMEN?”
WHAT? THEY'RE NOT HERE TO FIND LOVE? THEY'RE JUST HERE TO DRINK AND BE ON TV? I feel so duped. This is like when I found out Bruno Mars' real name is Peter Hernandez. I AM SHOOK.
“Doing something with somebody can bring you closer together” says Ben Z astutely while whining about Raven’s date with Adam. Ben and Raven have a lot in common he says, because they both have dogs.
IT'S ALMOST TIME FOR THE ROSE CEREMONY Y'ALL
Robbie is dressed up like a Chippendale with a black dress shirt and a mint green bowtie. The Gods of Rain have exposed Robbie for what he really is: just a dude with a receding hairline.
Robbie says even though he’s besties with Josh, Amanda’s douchey ex fiancé, he’s gonna try and get on Amanda anyway. He tries to kiss her and she shuts him the fuck down. Maybe I do like Amanda?
Iggy’s trying to "fah-nah-gle" Lacy’s rose by reading her a prayer in Hebrew. I can’t tell if she’s being polite or actually liked it. Diggy also wants to get Lacey’s rose, so he’s like, I’m intriqued by you and gives her a kiss to PROVE IT. BUT IT'S ALL A LIE BECAUSE MEN ARE TRASH AND THIS IS REAL LIFE TINDER ON A BEACH WHAT DO YOU HEAUXS EXPECT.
Alex, Iggy, Vinny, and Nick go home. I’M OK WITH IT. They don't even give Iggy the courtesy of an exit interview. I think even the producers are like, Iggy is a D-crowd AC Slater and we're done with it. Vinny gets dumped and can’t get his seatbelt on. It’s the most likable he’s ever been.
Ben Z is still carrying rocks around the beach. He’s still talking about his dog.
Danielle L shows up. Adam says she’s fine like a glass of wine. All the guys are super pumped about her, they can’t believe how hot she is. She's got more makeup shellacked on her face than Divine and I cannot wait to watch it run off in that hot Mexican sun like a horror movie. Even Derek John Krasinki reverts to douchebagness and is like, maybe I’m not coupled up anymore.
The Mystery of Dean, 2 Heauxs Edition commences. Dean runs off on a date with DLO and back at the ranch Kristina cries and pouts. On the date Dean lets DLO drive the ATV which I like, but I think it’s more Dean’s sort of a backseat person than chivalrous. Then he has a little Hitler mud-mustache when he tells DLO, “I guess I thought you were pretty or something.” THE ROMANCE. They return to the beach and Dean downplays his DLO make out to Kristina and I want to drive nails into my eyes. They pinky swear they’re going to be open and honest.
There’s a little bonfire and Kristina tells us she feels good about her and Dean but she’s wearing the outfit we know she’s going to start crying in. Dean brings Danielle a ½ birthday cake to celebrate her ½ birthday and it’s sort of weird like these producers have no subtly. Kristina is HUMILIATED and
THAT WAS THE FIRST TWO HOURS THERE IS MORE WHY WHY WHY WHY
Some heaux named Sarah shows up and she's got the hots from Adam Who We Don't Know From Adam. BUT OH NO SHE'S BESTIES WITH RAVEN WHAT R WE GONNA DO. Raven gives Sarah her blessing to go out with Adam, but then she tries to sell Sarah on Ben Z who's still carrying a rock around the beach. Look, Sarah's a nice gal, she'll check Ben Z out. Ben immediately tells her his life revolves around his dog. Even Cruella fucking Deville doesn't talk about her dog this much. Sarah's like, I'll go out with Adam, thnx bye.
Sarah's all over Adam like flies on shit. She says paradise is like a real live Nicholas Sparks book and they make out.
LACEY'S GONNA GO ON A DATE. Welp, this is sad. She goes off to case the dudes. Ben friend zones her fast. So she goes over to Adam and he's like, I've 99 problems with Raven and Sarah and bitch you ain't one. Helpfully he suggests Diggy, who finally says yes. This is all sad because it's like watching a teen-flick except you know there's not going to be a makeover montage or a most-unpopular-girl-triumphs-at-the-prom moment so we're just left feeling bad about ourselves.
Diggy and Lacey go on a date with Jorge, yawn. STOP TRYING TO MAKE JORGE HAPPEN IT'S NOT GOING TO HAPPEN. They have a picnic on the beach. Lacey eats the picnic food, which must be why no one likes her. Diggy takes his glasses off and they make out. Lacey is pumped, she says nothing can go wrong, DING DONG IN COMES DOMINIQUE.
Diggy drops Lacey like a hot potato and is ON THAT. Lacey tries to get some screen time by crying everywhere but for some reason she's just sort of unlikeable and we don't care and I'm just like missing Peter and the largest sectional in the world.
Danielle leaves to go to Kenya or something. Basically she's as tired of this shit as me. Before she goes Wells plants one on her, which she seems really surprised about. I mean Wells is super cute and seems normal and they live in the same town, WHAT'S THE PROBLEM.
NOW WE HAVE TO GO BACK TO OUR REUNION STAGE WITH CHRIS HARRISON AND SEE CARLY GET A SONOGRAM AND THIS IS SO INSULTING. DeMario comes out to talk about how the Bachelor franchise humilated him and ruined his life, except he never ever says that.
And Chris blames the media and we still have no idea what happened or why allegations were made but apparently we're still going to have to talk to Corinne about it next week.
You guys, seriously though, is it just me or is this just pure awful? No one really likes each other. They're all sort of awful people. The scandal is just gross gross manipulative grossness. How are we supposed to continue and still respect ourselves??? I feel like I need to watch 17 hours of PBS and read one classic novel to atone for my BiP sins.