YOUR GUIDE TO THE SOLAR ECLIPSE
Excited about the solar eclipse? That’s super. You know what else eclipses the sun? Nuclear winter. So while we wait for the inevitable, here’s how best to enjoy this rare spectacle in the sky, if you’re into that sort of thing.
How to Make an Eclipse Viewer:
1. Procure a storage container.
2. Get in.
3. Have a friend push you out to sea.
4. Drill a hole, or don't, who gives a shit.
Your Solar Eclipse Checklist: What to Look for on the Big Day
1. The sun has been extinguished.
2. Stars wandering rayless and pathless in the eternal space.
3. The icy earth swinging blind and blackening.
4. Men forgetting their passions in the dread of their desolation.
5. People living by watchfires, all their possessions burned for beacons.
6. The cities consumed.
10 Things to Remember While Watching the Total Solar Eclipse
1. Pain is just pain entering the body.
2. All the people you’ve hurt in your life, one by one, by name.
3. The Alamo.
4. Try to relax. The eclipse is just as nervous as you are.
5. The time you embarrassed yourself in front of your friends and they just haven’t let it go, they just can’t let it go, can they?
6. You had a dream once.
7. The rent is due.
8. You owe me money.
9. I know where you live.
10. You only think you want to live in a tiny house, but the reality is way more excruciating than you could ever imagine and the decision will haunt you forever.
Your Soundtrack to the Total Eclipse
1. Philip Glass, “Koyaanisquatsi"
2. Red Army Chorus, “Song of the Volga Boatmen”
3. Mike Oldfield, “Tubular Bells”
4. The Doors, “The End”
5. György Ligeti, “Volumina for Organ”
6. Aphex Twin, “Come to Daddy”
7. Hector Berlioz, “Dies Irae”
8. Kronos Quartet, “Black Angels”
9. Krzysztof Penderecki, “The Awakening of Jacob”
10. James Blunt, “You’re Beautiful”
What Causes a Total Eclipse?
3. Poor decision-making.
5. Peer pressure.
Cool Ways to Observe the Eclipse
1. Screaming* Enjoy!!!!
How Animals React to the Solar Eclipse
1. Spiders will spin their webs counter-clockwise for the duration of the eclipse, on your face.
2. Hippos may hide up to 15 hours inside your car. Or soul.
3. Cows will offer to barbecue themselves.
4. Submissive urination.
*there is no other way.