Our thumbs are basically numb from texting back and forth 24/7 about everything we love (AND HATE) that's happening on our televisions, iPads, and eye glasses (hi, we think we're funny) and we thought WHY NOT SHARE THIS JOY WITH THE WORLD?!  



The exes: Melicka, 35 and Tahir, 38
The reason for the break-up: Tahir got in his car one day and moved to Atlanta because he's gay and thought that was the best way to handle it
What Melicka wants out of this evening: For Tahir to tell her why the fuck he ghosted on their relationship
What Tahir wants out of this evening: To tell Melicka that he’s gay and get her to agree to have a baby with him
After the first 30 seconds I am team: Melicka

Melicka has boots and bangs and red lips and I’m loving her style.


They met at a white party which I thought was only allowed to happen in The Hamptons. They’re both hairstylists in Wilkes-Barre, PA and they were both lost souls before they found each other. Melicka was butt-crazy in love with Tahir right away and he was in love with her too, but not enough to stop him from driving away in the middle of the night and never coming back. Tahir says that Wilkes-Barre wasn’t made for people like them, by which I can only image he means people who are good at doing hair.

They were together a year and a half and they dreamed about leaving Pennsylvania together to move to a bigger city. They had a talk one night and decided that they were going to have a son and his name would be Exodus Rain. Man, I hate it when people who have never tried to get pregnant make dumb ass plans like that - you can’t plan to have a boy, you can’t even plan to have a baby. All you can do is get out of the way of biology and save up for that IVF just in case. Anyway, the day after they decided to have a male child, Tahir left with no explanation. Prolly he had regrets about that name.

Tahir says that Melicka is his soulmate and that he owes her an explanation for why he left but he isn’t sure that he can do it. START BY SAYING WORDS.

Melicka arrives to the loft of booze and tears first and makes herself a drink. Tahir comes in second. He brought her flowers and she says, “Really? You brought me something? Four years later you brought me roses?” MELICKA IS MY NEW FAV YOU GUYS. Tahir admits that he has some explaining to do. He asks Melicka  what life is like since she lives in California now, because he heard that some of the people can be superficial and she says, “You’d fit right in.” Melicka is WINNING THIS ONE.

They drink and they start playing Truth or Dare. Melicka pulls Truth and Tahir’s question is, “What did you feel when you first met me?” and she says, “I thought it was love at first sight.” He pulls Truth and she asks him, “Who was the person that you went with right after you moved to Atlanta?” Because his big secret is that he’s gay but she clearly already knows. He says it was someone named Chase and then confirms, in plain English, that he is gay.

Melicka starts crying because he never told her that before, “As close as we were, you could have told me.” Tahir says that he wasn’t sure for himself. Melicka says, “Why wouldn’t you just tell me? Did you think I was going to judge you? I don’t do that. I probably would have cried and got over it and then we would have gone out and looked at motherfuckers together, that’s how much I loved you.” This conversation is everything because it’s nuanced and she’s not mad at him for being gay she’s mad at him because she thought she knew everything about him when she didn’t. And also, instead of being honest with her he broke her heart in a super brutal way.

Tahir says that she can’t know how hard it was for him to come to terms with being gay because he’s a black male and a Muslim. Melicka shoots back that she couldn’t do to someone she loved what he did to her. She’s mad that he didn’t think about her at all. Tahir says that he's been disappointed by people he loved his whole life, like his dad would say “Let’s go to the circus” and he would get his bag packed and wait by the door and then he wouldn’t see his dad for six years. He tells us, “If someone was going to get their heart broken, I made sure it wasn’t me.” That is ICE COLD.

Melicka says, “You were like, ‘She’s strong enough, she’ll get over it,’” and Tahir admits that he didn’t think about her feelings at all. She says he had a decision to make that was going to hurt either way so he took the easy way out. He smiles and says, “But I knew you were a survivor,” so I hate him more now.

They sit down to a dinner that I think she cooked. She tells him about her experience and he says, “Don’t cry,” and she says, “This is real I’m not going to not cry to make you feel better.” She tells him to own his shit and to look inside and figure out where his hurt comes from and HER FRIENDSHIP IS TOO GOOD FOR HIM. Her honesty overcomes Tahir and he starts just weeping. He cries and cries and she holds him on the couch and I have nothing bitchy to say about it.


Melicka tells us, “I’ve never seen that man shed a tear, not one.” Tahir just wants his dad to acknowledge him and accept him into the family. She gives him a pep talk that his family has to accept him and he’s strong enough to tell them to and also his hair looks great. Melicka, can we hang out sometime? You’re legit amazing.

They do an “I’m gay” happy dance. She asks him about who he’s been dating and he says, in order “Irrelevant, Churchy, and 5-0.” Like, that’s the gamut.

He says that if shit doesn’t work out in their respective romantic lives they should get married to each other and Melicka is like, “What? No. Absolutely not.” Tahir, that is a really fucking unreasonable request to make. Like, he wants her to forego romantic love so instead she can live with and take care of a man who thinks her vag is gross. SHE DESERVES MORE THAN THAT.

They drink some more and hit each other with roses. And then Tahir goes and brings up Exodus Rain, their unborn child, and says that they should still have him. Melicka walks away and puts her fingers in her ears. She says that he’s emotionally cold and she doesn’t trust him not to bounce on their unborn child. Tahir says that he would love to show up to a family cookout with his boyfriend and a child and Melicka. WHAT FUN FOR HER.


They sleep in the same bed but it’s chaste. Melicka has her bangs pinned up and I love that look - you can pull off those bangs, but they are also aggressive so I like it when you offer us choices. Like she asked me. DO WHAT YOU WANT MELICKA ALSO CALL ME YOU’RE THE BEST.

In the morning they eat breakfast and Tahir invites her down to Atlanta to have sex with him so she can have his baby. She’s like, “Um...no,” and then, to us, in confessional, “Real talk? HELL NO.” Because asking the woman you fucked over who you also do not have any romantic interest in to have your baby is MONSTROUS.


In summary: I gotta go follow Melicka on every social media platform, Tahir still has some work to do, and it’s not 1996 anymore so stop asking your straight best friend to have your baby