Our thumbs are basically numb from texting back and forth 24/7 about everything we love (AND HATE) that's happening on our televisions, iPads, and eye glasses (hi, we think we're funny) and we thought WHY NOT SHARE THIS JOY WITH THE WORLD?!  



For a few years in college, I drank way too much and ate truckloads of late-night poutine. I grew large. I never really talked about it and I definitely did not star in a BravoTV show where the central storyline was my weight. But I am not Shannon Beador. Ms. Beador has one goal this season--to talk about her weight gain and all the emotional baggage hiding underneath in every scene, in every moment, so that we don’t know if we’re watching Housewives or the Before story on one of those daytime talk shows where the person has to be removed from their house with a crane.

But first we visit Peggy and Diko, on their way to the plastic surgeon who will give Peggy some sweet new tits after her double mastectomy. Peggy is the most gorgeous breast cancer survivor I’ve ever seen but I can’t help but wonder how good she’ll look after one season on this shitshow. I bet somewhere cancer researchers are showing episodes of RHOC to abnormal cells and the cells are like “stop, no, we’ll go back to normal, we promise. Just no more of this crap.”

At the surgeon's, Diko gives Peggy the most poetic pep talk about how great her implants are going to be. Husband of the Year. Then he probably makes grabby grabby gestures off camera, which still makes him the most tolerable guy on RHOC. For now. At this very moment, Shannon is probably weeping into a healthy quinoa bowl about her waistline.

Meanwhile, Vicki checks out her new office space and admits that she wants cameras installed because a former employee stole thousands from her. I’m not trying to justify felony theft, but the employee probably needed extra cash for therapy brought on by Vicki’s constant screeching and ‘woohoo’-ing.

Somewhere, Shannon is screaming at a schoolyard full of children that love leads to sadness and sadness leads to weight gain.

Elsewhere in the OC, Tamra cares for a tiny guinea pig, which is filling the gaping hole in her heart left by her estranged daughter. The guinea pig poops on the rug, which is a metaphor for this season--just a tiny bit shitty.

Tamra calls Shannon to invite her to a reconciliation dinner with Lydia. Shannon is still hurt that Lydia compared her to Vicki, who started a nasty rumor about Shannon which led to the weight gain. The ladies agree to meet at a restaurant called The Quiet Woman because this show is all about subtle irony.

Meanwhile, Lydia and her husband Doug are scrambling to meet their publishing deadline for Nobleman Magazine. Lydia worries that the noble lords and ladies won’t survive if they can’t access articles about the finest fashions and coolest couples straight out of a sterile cul-de-sac in Orange County.

If this is too exciting for you, join Meghan King Edmonds and her husband, Jim for a peek inside a life of wealthy monotony. Honestly, I would fast-forward their scenes just to get to commercials if I could. Meghan and Jim are selling their house because it’s too big and Jim probably doesn’t want to fight over it in their divorce that he’s planning in his head. Meghan wonders if their newborn girl can see ghosts because “babies have just come from the spirit world.” Who wants to explain to Meghan how babies are made? It won’t be Shannon unless that baby is working on losing its baby fat.

Shannon meets up with her holistic trainer who is also a chiropractor, health specialist, lawyer, doctor, lover, breaker of chains, mother of dragons, first in his name. He wears workman’s boots to the gym cuz he knows fitness. Shannon takes off her top, gets on the scale, and weeps at the site of herself. Her trainer keeps saying ‘wow’ in the most appalled way possible. He might as well just be shouting “You’re so gross.” But he holds back. What a good guy.

The reconciliation dinner has arrived and Lydia invites Peggy to join. Peggy picks up Lydia in a half white/half black luxury sports car. I would have coveted this vehicle when I was eight-years old and really into French mimes.

As soon as Shannon and Tamra arrive at dinner, Shannon tells Peggy whom she JUST met about how much weight she’s gained due to the fact that Vicki spread rumors that her husband was abusive. In response, Peggy regales the group with an Armenian joke about husbands beating wives. Crickets.

Then Shannon orders wine and meat because it’s her last hurrah before she starts dieting. She promises.

Then hell’s mouth opens and Kelly Dodd shows up unannounced. Shannon and Kelly run into each other in the bathroom and Shannon tells Kelly how much weight she’s gained. Kelly doesn’t care because these two Heaux hate each other. An argument ensues. Lydia pushes her way into the bathroom and yells HUG. IT. OUT over and over like a war vet with PTSD.

Kelly joins the ladies back at the table and makes jabs about Shannon’s weight and Shannon LOSES HER DAMN MIND. She swears. She cries. She throws a plate.

Peggy Sulahian did not get a double mastectomy and into a bi-colored car for this. She is embarrassed. She is ashamed. She asks about taking home leftovers because there’s no sense in wasting perfectly good food. At first blush, Peggy does seem like a class act, but it’s way too early in the season to assume that the new housewife won’t cut a bitch and rip off a wig. Time will tell.