WASTED AWAY IN MARGARITAVILLE (RHONY RECAP)
I was in such shock last week I couldn't even recap the show. That's a lie. I was on vacation and couldn't get my life together enough to make it happen. BUT. Whatever. How was I supposed to write about an episode where Ramona's face looked like it was covered in salsa because she got a chemical peel a few minutes before jumping on a plane to Mexico (WTF) and LuAnn got so drunk she fell off the front porch of their Mexican Villa. TWICE. She fell down twice. TWICE. She fell down TWO TIMES YOU GUYS. I've never seen Lu that drunk. I've never seen anyone that drunk! JK. I got so drunk at a martini party once that I laid in the yard and performed a concert for a friend and tried to hide a pitcher of martinis in my shorts. It happens to the best of us my dudes. Clearly I'd fit in with these girls. What I'm trying to say is Mexico has turned these ladies into a bunch of Amanda Bynes impersonators and I AM HERE FOR IT ... don't act like you're not.
Anywho ... it's day two in Mexico. Everyone made it through the night. Let's be real ... I was a little worried somebody might not with all that falling and yelling at dinner and shiz. The funniest thing about the first night's drunk fest is knowing Dorinda (QUEEN OF THE DRINK) slept through the whole thing. She had dinner and then Ms. Smarty Pants took her ass to bed. I LOVE A RESPONSIBLE GIRL. Everyone is running around acting a fool and D is sawing logs. I LOVE IT. She is, of course, up first and doing yoga when we catch up with them. Lu shows up to the magic yoga hut (their vacations are on another level) confessing that she was fuckingschwasted the night before. Girl. I feel you. I cannot drink margs and tequila makes me insane. Can't do it. If Lu's big and tall ass can't handle it ... HOW YOU THINK THESE OTHER GIRLS ARE DOING. NOT WELL BITCH.
WHEW!? Buuuuuuut anyway... NEXT!
TWO. GIANT flower arrangements show up at the Villa (Villa ... I mean that's what this giant picturesque place is right). Everyone gets all excited and nervous and we discover these rejects from Little Shop of Horrors are for Tinsley. I'm instantly taken back to an old episode of RHOC (You watch right? It's OK ... you're safe here) where Vicki Gunvalson is on vacation and sends herself roses to make the other girls jealous. That can't be happening here, right? Like Tins isn't desperate and terrible enough to pull some BS like that, right? THE FLOWERS ARE HUGE. The note attached says thank you for an amazing first date. We learn that their first date ... WENT ON FOR FIVE DAYS. That's nuts. I don't want to be around anyone for five days and I'm a married person. Who are these people?
Dorinda, Carole, Bethenny, and Lu go surfing while Tins, Ramona, and Sonja stay behind to be lazy together. Tins sits with Sonja and talks about this page six article that they fought about in the previous episode. What a mess. Basically ... it's an article (LOL it's blurb ... like a whole article is ABSURD) saying that Tins is a terrible house guest at Sonja's. Who even cares? But like ... if the person who offered you a place to stay for a while IN THEIR GIANT TOWNHOUSE IN MANHATTAN started telling every single person they saw that you were a shitty house guest ... you'd be pissed. I mean I guess? My life is way smaller that this. Sonja clearly planted the story. Like ... WHERE WOULD THAT COME FROM. Let's be real. What we should be talking about is how TINSLEY NEEDS A HAIRCUT AND TODAY.
They scream and holler about it for a while, but mostly remain civil? It's sorta shocking actually. The most dramatic thing that happens is we see lines in Tinsley's forehead so I guess it's time for a Botox touch-up maybe? Well that and Sonja has the nerve to call out Tinsley for her "childish behavior." Momma! GET A MIRROR YOU'RE A MESS. I wanted to see them wrestle, but I guess I'll have to wait.
LIFE LESSON: NEVER EVER STAY WITH SONJA.
Later in the day all of the girls go shopping in town. I KNOW. What is even happening. Everyone is kinda sorta getting along. I love it but also I'm scared (AND BY SCARED I MEAN EXCITED) because you know somethin' is gonna happen. I mean ... RIGHT? Bethenny tells Ramona she doesn't want her to come to the big tequila dinner because she doesn't believe that Ramona has her best interest at heart. Again. It's civil and mostly chill, (SNORE) except that while Bethenny is talking her entire body is shaking from rage. BUT WHO COULD BLAME HER.
Ramona decides to pretend that nothing is wrong, she turns on the charm and plows right through as if there is no bad blood ... like for real ... she tells us in a confessional that's what she's gonna do. AND SHE DOES. It's cute sorta but then HER EYES ARE FUCKING NUTS. It's like watching a shark pretend it doesn't want to eat you for lunch. Ramona is laying the shit on thick. Like she buys Bethenny a dress (LOL WEIRDO). AND THEN ... girlfriend buys everybody a purse. You know she just wanted to buy one for B, but like that would really look crazy so AIIIIGHT ... everyone gets a purse. They're adorable I want one. ALSO? Why don't my friends buy me more things? OH RIGHT WE'RE DIRT POOR.
Bethenny can see what happens and acknowledges that she's a secret softy and will end up asking Ramona's punk ass to the tequila dinner. This is some crazy shenanigans. It's totally nutso, but IT'S GOOD ASS TV, y'all. It's funny to watch.
They all go back to The Villa (LOL) for an early dinner. Bethenny has ordered everyone to go to bed early and get rest so they can really tear it up at the tequila event. The page six article comes back up and just when you think Tins might cut Sonja ... Dorinda interrupsts to give everyone silly gifts. IT'S HILARIOUS AND AWESOME and I fill out an online application to apply to be Dorinda's BFF.
Once the silly gift giving is done Bethenny pulls Ramona aside invites her to the tequila dinner (Duh, we knew this was gonna happen) but but but she really gives it to her. She cries about it while shaking (what's with the shaking rage, yo) and asks her to not ruin the dinner and to not say anything negative and mean all day long. So, there ya go, Bethenny is a softy. I'm so delighted and confused.
They all take a helicopter ride to the agave farm. Omg I wanna go to Tequila, Mexico right MF now. There are bongos and dancers and horns used as shot glasses it's a GD MF DELIGHT ... totally off the chain. Seriously my dudes, it's so cool I had to say a douche bag like OFF THE CHAIN. They're sipping margs and take a tour of the agave farm. It's gorgeous and looks super fun. They aren't fighting or being bitchy AT ALL. The best part? They're wearing Skinny Girl hard hats on the tour. I WANT A SKINNY GIRL HARD HAD AND I AM NOT ASHAMED.
They start doing shots (AHEM ... I mean a tequila tasting) and I'm so nervous. Dancing horses show up. Adorable kids in costume show up. Omg. Adorable. It's like we're inside a Mexican fever dream. Then they ALL (lol WHUT) sit down for the meal ... it's another tequila tasting and the magic RHONY editors number the shots (TASTINGS) for us and HOLY SHIT so much tequila that I'm sluring and I'm here on my couch typing this mess. Number 7 number 8 ... I'm like HOLY SHIT HOW ARE THESE BITCHES ALIVE RN. Then suddenly my they're back in the copters back to the house.
THEY'RE SUPER CRAZY FUCKED UP. We're talking Mick Jagger level.
Bethenny is dancing on a table. Tins is on a rope swing and jumping into the pool. It's crazy. I hope there's a medic on sight. Then Sonja starts trying to make out with LuAnn. So we're so drunk that people are forgetting they're straight. OK. OK. Whatever. Then Sonja starts pretending she's a therapist and tells Ramona she isn't really happy and hasn't been since Mario left her and should quit pretending that she is. The therapy session starts to get loud of course because SONJA and also EVERYONE IS FUCKED UP on tequila and Bethenny starts trying to tell Sonja to get off of Ramona and ...
TO BE CONTINUED!
I mean I'm glad everyone is happy and getting along and all but there better be a wrestling match next week. Like ... DUH ... that's what we're here for you guys.