Our thumbs are basically numb from texting back and forth 24/7 about everything we love (AND HATE) that's happening on our televisions, iPads, and eye glasses (hi, we think we're funny) and we thought WHY NOT SHARE THIS JOY WITH THE WORLD?!  



Episode 1: Rachel and Fabian

OK - this show. This show is where two people who used to date are lured into a poorly decorated room by Bravo producers and then trapped for 12 hours with lots of booze and a single bed and production tricks that are guaranteed to gut them like fish. Watching this is going to hurt my soul but I’m also here for it because I’m nosy as fuck.

The exes: Rachel, 28, and Fabian, 31.

The reason for the break-up: He cheated on her

What Rachel wants out of this evening: closure.

What Fabian wants out of this evening: a handjob and a wife, in that order.

After the first 30 seconds I am team: Rachel

Fabian tells us that he is still extra sprung on Rachel. You see, Rachel was a virgin when they met and he likes that about her because he wants to completely own her sexuality and RUN RACHEL RUN. They dated for four years, then he cheated on her so she broke up with him and moved away from LA back to Minnesota. Fabian says that he cheated on Rachel because he was sexually frustrated, which makes it sound like it's her fault and RUN RACHEL RUN. It’s been a year since they broke up and Fabian is nervous and excited because he’s going to propose to her. Oh, God no. RUN RACHEL RUN. Pro-tip: don’t propose to someone you aren’t currently dating. It’s not a good look.

Rachel loves sunflowers so Fabian got the tiniest mason jar he could find at the dollar store and filled it with sunflower seeds and put a ring on top of it and like, you couldn’t get her actual flowers? Or a jar bigger than a kids-sized Frosty?

Fabian arrives at their hotel/prison and brings take out and what is this cheap ass show where they have to bring in their own food. Rachel arrives and her dress is awesome I want it very much. She has a bright red lip and a dark lined eye and I could never work that much makeup but she’s making it happen even with her fair skin good for you girl. She sees Fabian and they embrace and hug and she cries and it’s too much even for me to watch. It’s like, she still has feelings for this ass wipe and it’s so honest. Fabian gushes over how good she looks. He tells her that he brought her favorite food for dinner and says that she looks younger. Rachel says thank you and mentions that she doesn’t like Fabian’s new haircut.

Fabian asks if she’s dating anyone and she says no and he says, “Good.” And then it’s silence where she doesn’t ask him if he’s dating anyone else. So he jumps in and tells her that he’s single and she says that doesn’t surprise her. Dude, Fabian, why do you want to marry this person who objectively does not care for you?  

Over dinner, Fabian gives Rachel a heartfelt apology for cheating on her and hurting her and begs for forgiveness and she starts crying. He tells us that his plan is to win her back by being calm and communicating with her.

After dinner, they head over to the couch to answer questions the producers left for them that are guaranteed to fuck them up. Fabian’s question for Rachel is “Are you still a virgin?” She says yes and he responds that’s awesome and good. EW DUDE GROSS. Stop fetishizing hymans, weirdo.

Rachel tells us that when they were together Fabian tried to talk her into doing as much outside of sex that he could including butt stuff and WOW WE ARE SO SHOCKED WHO WOULD HAVE GUESSED THAT A MAN WHO FETISHIZES VIRGINITY IS ALSO TRYING TO GET IN THE BUTT.

Fabian question time again: “Do you still love me?” Rachel just shakes her head and says, “That’s a rough question,” and does not answer while Fabian cracks his knuckles. She says that she doesn’t get why he loves her now when he didn’t love her back when they were together. Fabian says that he did love her then and she reminds him that he loved other people, by which she means cheated on her, and now he’s yelling at her that, “It was lust! It was stupid!” See, his plan is working: stay calm, communicate, and blow the fuck up at the slightest provocation.

Fabian tells us that he cheated on Rachel because he was at a party and there was a woman dressed as sexy Tinkerbell and he was like, “Time to fuck up my relationship and pretend it’s not an active decision I'm making.” Like, he’s low key blaming the costume the woman was wearing for why he cheated on his girlfriend. Man, it must be really rough to be mind controlled by every woman you see all of the time. I’m going to slap on some fairy wings and go to LA and get this fucker to wash my car. 

Back to Fabian’s world salad justification of his actions: “It was lust I was just horny it was time to get laid!”

Fabian says that he realizes now that he was a douchebag. Rachel is like, “Fuck this conversation, I want to eat pasta.” They sit back down at the table and as she’s absent-mindedly moving food around her plate while she starts to express empathy for Fabian’s position. Rachel says that maybe she actually wasn’t being fair to him in terms of their sex life and maybe he has a point and...then, in keeping with his plan to stay calm and communicate with Rachel, Fabian interrupts her to let her know that her fork scratching her plate is annoying. And then, it’s gorgeous, it’s like a switch is flipped inside of Rachel and the woman who wants this man’s love bursts into flame and is incinerated in a single second and out of her burned carcass emerges an avenging warrior goddess who says, “OH NO MOTHERFUCKER I AM NOT YOUR GIRLFRIEND I MAKE WHATEVER NOISE I GODDAMN WANT GO FUCK YOURSELF.”

Fabian’s reaction to these excellent points is to double-down and maintain that scratching a fork on a plate is super annoying. Rachel starts crying and walks away saying that she doesn’t deserve this, he doesn’t deserve her, and they are done. Finally realizing that maybe he just fucked up, Fabian says “I’m sorry,” and Rachel says “Shut up,” so he returns to litigating the case, “Why you suck and should realize it and also should marry me,” by getting a fork and a plate and scraping them together while asking, “You want to hear what it sounds like?” He decides to pivot to a different controlling tactic and says, “I hate the way you’re acting right now it’s not you,” which is so fucked that it inspires her to return to the table and look him in the eye and say, “I can do so much better than you.”  Fabian agrees, with the caveat, “The old me,” and Rachel corrects him, “No, no, YOU.”

Somehow we move on from that moment of searing truth to him making her cocoa and them snuggling on the couch so all I can say is alcohol is magic. She tells him that since they’ve been together she’s finally had an orgasm and MY GOD YOU TOUCHED HER FOR FOUR YEARS AND NEVER GAVE HER AN ORGASM? She tells him that she learned about the clit and he says, “You’re putting stuff in there now,” and no, that’s not how that works, please start Googling things. They hug and kiss and head to bed at the very reasonable time of 10:23PM.

They lay in bed and they’re wearing eye masks because Bravo don’t turn off the lights and then I’m not sure what’s happening but they’re kissing under the comforter and it seems like he’s fluffing himself and then Rachel tells us that he grabs her hand and puts it on his bare erection and she goes with it for 2 seconds before her inner warrior is goddess is like “YOU CHEAT ON ME AND THEN YOU DARE TO TRY TO HAVE ME GET YOU OFF FIRST. GO DOWN ON ME FOR AN HOUR OR GTFO,” so Rachel pulls her hand away and emerges from the covers like, “Nope, I’m drunk, but nope, nope, ewwwww.” And Fabian responds to this valid critique by turning his back on her and pretending to go to sleep and refusing to talk to her anymore. Like, Fabian, my man, you are trying to win this girl back. Maybe throw her an orgasm? Or, at least, talk to her like she’s a human and not just a receptacle for your dick? Like, act nice, trick her into being with you and THEN revert back to being a douche - this is lady manipulation 101.

The next morning Fabian makes breakfast and Rachel looks hella cute with her rumpled hair my God she is too good for him. And then, over eggs, Fabian gives Rachel the mason jar of horror. Rachel sees the ring and is like, “I legit don’t understand” and then Fabian ggets down on one knee like, “Rachel, I want to make you feel like you’re doing things wrong for the rest of my life,” and, to her credit, Rachel’s first reaction is to laugh. She says, “Like really?” and laughs and apologizes for laughing and he kisses her and says, hopefully, “Does that mean you’re saying yes?” And the goddess comes roaring back in time to laugh/yell, “I’M NOT,” and then Rachel adds a super great point, which is that he doesn't actually like her. She says, “Do you really want this for the rest of your life? I can’t even eat pasta without annoying you.”

Fabian returns to his side of the table and sips juice and stares at her creepily. Rachel says, “I’m sorry. I’m sorry,” and he says, “It’s fine. I’ll keep this then,” and takes back the ring. He then gets up from the table and mumbles, “I’m done.” He cleans up the dishes, packs up his stuff while she sits at the kitchen table, and leaves without saying goodbye.

Fabian tells us, “I’m going to go out tomorrow and find that wife. I lost but I’m not a loser.” WRONG AGAIN.

In conclusion: wow are LA men garbage, virginity is just an abstract construct society uses to control women, go down on the woman you're tying to propose to, team Rachel.