ALL ABOARD THE RAMONA COASTER (RHONY RECAP)
OHMYGOD OH MY GOD YOU GUYS. That ski trip. Sometimes I wonder why the ladies on these shows go on trips. It's not like it's going to be an actual vacation. At some point somebody is going to hand you your ass on gorgeous polka-dotted Kate Spade china. Except then I remember that these Heauxs are getting handed bags of cash to travel and I suddenly have less sympathy. Sooooooo... Whatever dudes. LET THESE RICH HEAUXS HAVE IT.
Cue the upbeat street sounds and computer generated drumbeats WE'RE BACK IN NYC ... These RHONY fast paced opening sequences make me giggle.
OMG LOOK! Carole has a cat!
OMG WHAT! Sonja is getting a placenta facial!
OMG LOL! Dorinda makes a video on her phone!
OMG ZZZZ! Ramona visits Sur la table!
Speaking of trips nobody in their right mind should go on ... Bethenny has decided the trip to Mexico is a GO. She bursts into her office dressed like gay John Wayne meets pink Cookie Monster. Is this her Lady Gaga moment? She's making hat choices, there's a scarf. THIS COAT IS ... well I hope she's warm, because she looks like she tried to shove herself into a dying mauve flamingo. Does she have a new stylist? Maybe a new gay friend? Is she in witness protection? Maybe divorce makes you wear feathers? Keep an eye out, there are A LOT of statement pieces this season. I suppose I should just be thankful that she isn't wearing a Skinny Girl billboard. WHATEVER. The point is Bethenny (every time I type her name I hate her mother a little more) has her assistant planning the trip to Mexico. GD. I wanna be rich enough to walk into work and have someone detail my dream trip for me. HEY BOB (yeah girl, my assistant is a hot dude named Bob, pretend to be surprised. In my fantasy I make him dress like a swimming instructor because I'm a filthy pig) ... PLAN A TRIP FOR THE MALDIVES. STAT! The girls are staying in Tequila, Mexico (YES THAT IS A PLACE DIDN'T YOU GO TO SCHOOL) where they'll do a tequila tasting booze tour extravaganza. Whoa. I can't imagine that anything will go wrong.
Did someone say uncomfortable? Obviously someone did since Ramona and LuAnn are hanging out. We learn Ramona has yet to be invited on the Mexico trip. This does not phase Ramona, she plans her Mexican wardrobe and makes plans to hit the gym to work on her vacation body.
No need to worry, the gossip wagons are definitely circling. Carole and Bethenny are together and we learn that Ramona sent Bethenny a text saying she feels badly about the drama she's going through with her ex husband. They giggle about how bad and stupid Ramona must feel since she was a real stinker to Bethenny on the ski trip. LOL RAMONA IS SUCH A JERK.
There's so much silly gossip! it's like we're in high school except whoever is doing this editing is CHANGING MY LIFE. The back and forth, the clear themes, the concrete connections, it's amazing. Ramona admits to LuAnn that she was wrong and went a little overboard when she was drunky on the ski trip (and PS those crazy eyes and slury screams she was giving when they were at Dorinda's in the Berkshires). LuAnn tries to get Ramona to apologize, but girlfriend knows she's got to dig herself out of a real big fat hole before that can happen. Ramona tells us she has to go slow and be patient with Bethenny. Is there something bigger than an LOL, because that's how I feel right now. Ramona's going to be patient? MKAY. YOU GO GIRL.
Sidebar. I wonder if Ramona has medication for her DRY EYES. She mus have a dry eye problem you guys. I mean you watch the show. You see the gymnastics those eyes are going through. Maybe I should tweet her about it. I'm not being a bitch (lol) I'm just a concerned friend. DRY EYES IS REAL. I'M WEARING A BUTTON FOR THE CAUSE RIGHT NOW. DO NOT AT ME.
Meanwhile in Chez Crazytown: Sonja is getting laser hair removal on her legs. HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! JK! JK! JK! You know this girl is getting her vajazzle cleaned up for Mexico. She has decided that all the cool kids have hairless bits, so she will too. She likes to stay on trend. Let's be real. She's got that hot French BF and he wants that thing to be clean as a whistle, so here we are watching the forest get burned to the ground. She wants it deforested before Mexico. Then, my dudes, the funniest thing that I may have ever witnessed on television happens. Sonja starts talking about her pubic hair. EXCUSE ME. Sonja starts BRAGGING about how amazing her pubic hair is. It's silky and smooth and luxurious and perfect. She's telling this, not to the cameras, SHE'S SAYING IT TO THE LASER HAIR REMOVAL TECHNICIAN WHILE SHE'S SCORCHING THE HAIR OFF OF HER VAGINA. My god. She's cray but I love her.
The ladies are meeting for dinner as a pre-Mexico get together meet up. Even Ramona is there, so you might as well sit up straight and figure out your seat belt. Bethenny (GOD. SERIOUSLY. THIS SPELLING IS SO ANNOYING) shows up dressed like a dominatrix. Seriously. Again. I ask. What is happening. NOT THAT THERE'S ANYTHING WRONG WITH BEING DRESSED AS A DOMINATRIX, but like ... girl ... WHAT. Bethenny says hello to the table and doesn't take a moment to acknowledge Ramona. AND RAMONA BASICALLY BURSTS INTO FLAMES, but like on the inside (except that you can totally tell this makes her COO COO CRAZY).
The group is ALL talking about the trip. EVERYONE (including Ramona who at this point is not invited). They're also ALL talking about how Ramona has not been invited yet. AT THE TABLE. It's funny and awkward. I don't really enjoy watching Ramona squirm through all of this, but I am 900% on B's side. Ramona knows she has been an ass, how can she even want to go on this trip? Does Ramona have ANY dignity? Like ... take up a hobby. DANG. HAVE YOU HEARD OF MEDITATION?
The talk at the table makes Bethenny uncomfortable (let's be real ... what doesn't), so she decides they need to have a talk. The restaurant they are in must be the tinniest and there must be absolutely NOWHERE to go because Bethenny tells everyone to turn away and mind their own business for a moment while they chat. CAN YOU IMAGINE? You're at dinner with Carole and you have to just like pretend that everything is normal and that you've become spontaneously deaf. I would spit in everyone's pinot. It's like when you're 10 and your mother gives you a very stern look and speech quietly at a family dinner ... all while ordering cheese sticks and salsa for the table (no. this has never happened to me. LEAVE ME ALONE. I am a grownup). THIS IS TERRIBLE (read: FUCKING HILARIOUS).
Bethenny (SO HARD TO TYPE) explains how awkward the trip conversation at the table is and then explains to Ramona why she wasn't invited. I just want to remind you this is happening RIGHT IN FRONT OF EVERYONE AT A DINNER TABLE. Ramona can't just hear Bethenny and take anything in, she comes right back at Bethenny. The whole thing is aggressive and weird. It get heated and so Bethenny disinvites Ramona ... and girlfriend goes ape shit ... and tells Bethenny it's a group trip and she's going and deal with it. The convo continues for a while, others get involved there are so many words that I take a nap. I'm over this mess, and clearly so is Bethenny because she calls it and says let's just end this and make a pact to not say nasty things to or about each other anymore. Boom. Done. They toast on it.
What a mess.
Then ... Ramona leaves early. LOL WHAT? Bitch comes to fight after saying she's gonna play nice and then leaves the minute they FINALLY talk about the trip. Just thinking about this forces my eyes to dance in my head MUCH LIKE RAMONA'S. Whatever. It's not like it's possible to understand anything Ramona does.
NEXT NIGHT! (PRAISE OPRAH) Carole and Adam are making their friend meet Tins. Dude is very cute, but he might be too real for T? Maybe? I mean he's not wearing a tuxedo or doing lines of cocaine off of a stripper's ass so ... BUT LIKE ... who is strong enough to deal with her? They're all chatting and it's fun. It's way more fun and civilized than that pre-Mexican trip dinner mess.
Tins is supes nervous and says weird stuff about her ex husband (NEVER TALK ABOUT AN EX WHEN YOU'RE ON A DATE YOU GUYS) but whatevs this could be awesome and perfect. Carole takes tins to the bathroom and coaches her ... don't talk about alcohol and how it makes you feel more like yourself and do not talk about your ex husband and how you're still wearing his ring (OMG SHE'S STILL WEARING HER WEDDING RING). They come back to the table and everyone jokes about the ring and so she takes it off and puts it in her purse. Then? Tins lays one on this dude like she kisses him real real real hard and maybe with tongue?! It's aggressive, even Adam is shocked. Mmmmkay. Girl. SLOW Down! Way to make everyone in America take you seriously. ALSO PLEASE CUT YOUR HAIR YOU'RE FORTY.
Then suddenly everyone is packing for Mexico. Carole kisses her cat. Lu packs her statement necklaces. Tins gives Sonja a bathing suit coverup as a gift. Dorinda packs while in the phone with Ramona. I can't wait to see what kind of drama they're going to find while drunk AF in Mexico. Whew. These girls are BUSY. I need a nap.