LANCE ARMSTRONG MOVIES RANKED
It's Tour de France time, folks! Which means it's finally the perfect time to let you in on this weird thing that I do: if I feel a little melancholy at night I turn on a Lance Armstrong documentary and POOF ALL BETTER. It's totally weird and I KNOW IT. But trust me, it's comforting af. You guys are going to comment that it's because I recently took up cycling, but girl, I've been watching Lance at night on an iPad FOR YEARS, I have seen all these movies a million times.
Sometimes I switch it up and watch Everest Beyond the Limit or mountain climbing documentaries or The Barkley Marathon or the Crossfit Games movies on Netflix, but Lance really is the sweet spot—feats of strength, determination, the human spirit, flying too close to the sun, extreme arrogance, deception, science, journalists righting society's wrongs, and WHAT DID SHERYL CROW KNOW? What more could you want?
Here's where to start on your own journey with that fucking scoundrel Lance—
1. THE ARMSTRONG LIE
Grab the EPO 'cause this is by far the best Lance Armstrong documentary. This is the only one where Lance himself speaks after the doping scandal and is forced to address his lies. Initially the film was going to be about Lance's 2009 comeback. So you get tons of behind the scenes footage with Lance preparing for and during the 2009 Tour de France. The documentary was cut and finished and screened when the doping scandal broke. OH SNAP! Gibney called Lance up and was like, hell no, bro, we're gonna have to talk some more. The Armstrong Lie's got it all: EPO, blood doping, cancer, sort of chastened Lance, race highlights, Lance's borderline psychotic legal pursuit of anyone who threatened to out him. What a dick! I still sort of like him though, which is why I remain single, because I cannot be trusted to make good judgements about straight dudes. I bought The Armstrong Lie on Amazon video and you can too.
RANK: 5 BLOOD DOPINGS
2. TOUR DE PHARMACY
JON HAMM narrates this hilarious HBO mockumentary that's riddled with stars and rapid fire jokes. ANDY SAMBERG just made a Toto Africa joke and I lol'd really hard. JOHN CENA as an Austrian cyclist with no shirt and spandex cycle shorts. MAYA RUDOLPH. KEVIN BACON. JEFF GOLDBLUM. ORLANDO BLOOM. LANCE shows up as a doping informant, LOL. There are multiple shots of nekkid dicks flopping around. Like actual penises. There are so many puns and stupid jokes. It's only 41 minutes long so turn this shit on and laugh you're ass off. It's on HBO.
RANK: 4.5 SPANDEX SHORTS
3. THE PROGRAM
If you want to watch Ben Foster pretend to be Lance Armstrong, then this is the flick for you. Who's Ben Foster? Well he's a dude who was engaged to Queen Robin Wright, is currently Laura Prepon's baby daddy (which leads me to believe he's also a Scientologist), and is possibly best known for the modern day Western Hell or High Water where he played Chris Pine's loose cannon of a brother. He's also a dude who took a bunch of performance enhancing drugs to play Lance Armstrong because METHOD ACTING.
In profile, Ben sorta looks like Lance and he gives his portrayal his best shot, but it doesn't have the intensity of the actual Lance and isn't as compelling as the actual Lance lying directly into the cameras. A lot of the production values feel like a Lifetime movie, but the selling point for The Program is that you get to see re-enactments of the doping (omg they hook a bag of saline to his arm and squeeze the living shit out of it while the drug tester is right outside!) and the infamous moment during his cancer fight where Lance tells the doctor he took all these drugs right in front of Betsy Andreau. BETSY AIN'T HAVING THAT SHIT. Dr. Ferrari shows up and says things like "Scuzzi! You have wrong body for mountain! Scuzzi!" and it's pretty unintentionally hilarious. Jesse Plemmons (Kirsten Dunst's soon to be husband, WHAT IS THAT) shows up as Floyd Landis and you get to travel to Amish country with him. So anyway, you can watch The Program for free on Amazon Prime.
RANK: 3 LIVESTRONG BRACELETS
4. STOP AT NOTHING
Not as good as The Armstrong Lie because Lance is never interviewed. But you can watch it for free on Amazon Prime and Netflix so it's a good primer if you're not ready to make a full on Armstrong investment. But I mean rent The Armstrong Lie for $4.99 and then message me about it.
RANK: 1 SHERYL CROW