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Our thumbs are basically numb from texting back and forth 24/7 about everything we love (AND HATE) that's happening on our televisions, iPads, and eye glasses (hi, we think we're funny) and we thought WHY NOT SHARE THIS JOY WITH THE WORLD?!  

GET READY FOR GAME OF THRONES

GET READY FOR GAME OF THRONES

What up WesterHeauxs! After a long winter, the premiere of Game of Thrones season 7 is on Sunday y'all! It’s been a minute since the finale of season 6 (in fact, over a year!!), but don’t worry, we're here to refresh your memory and share some theories and predictions going into the long-awaited seventh season.

Let’s take it region by region:

The North

The last time we saw our favorite man-bun Jon Snow, he had just defeated the sadistically evil Ramsay Bolton in the Battle of the Bastards, winning back Winterfell for the Stark family (or what’s left of them). Sansa Stark, a.k.a. Ramsay’s widow, brought a secret weapon into the mismatched battle--the Knights of the Vale--just when all hope seemed lost. Sansa unleashes Ramsay’s killer dogs on him and watched as he was torn to pieces. Sansa has become cold as ice, willing to sacrifice (her parents’ old bedroom), and watches Jon Snow deemed King of the North. However, we can’t help but notice the look she exchanges with Littlefinger while the North Folk declare their loyalty to Jon. Will she double-cross her own half-brother in Season 7? If she does, will oh-so-dumb-and-pretty Jon see it coming? Or will he be too distracted posing for sultry Esquire covers?

Personally, I don’t think we’re going to see Jon die a second time, at least not this early into the final stretch of the show. The reveal of his parentage at the end of Season 6 (final confirmation of the L + R = J fan theory, that Jon is the secret offspring of Lyanna Stark and Rhaegar Targaryen) means that Jon has an unfulfilled destiny to discover. Sansa Stark has had one of the most surprising character arcs throughout the run of the show, going from a spoiled Disney-princess-wanna-be, to a perpetual victim tortured by everyone from Cersei Lannister to Lysa Arryn to Ramsay Bolton, to a worthy player in the Game able to manipulate the master manipulator Littlefinger. After her victory, Sansa is empowered and emboldened; whether it’s enough to cause her to do a heel turn and go for the throne is something we’ll find out soon.

Beyond the Wall

Bran Stark and Meera Reed are stranded Beyond the Wall after losing Hodor and his direwolf Summer (all the crying emoji) when the White Walkers invaded the cave belonging to the Children of the Forest. They are rescued by a partially zombified Benjen Stark, but their time with him is brief before they’re on their own again. Bran must become the new One-Eye-Raven (the dude in the tree) to replace the one who was killed by the Night King, which is kinda like trying out for the school play but being disappointed when you get cast as the narrator. But hey! Those visions are important, as we see when he reveals Jon Snow’s parentage. In Season 7, we’ll see if Bran ever reunites with his family again or ends up staying Beyond the Wall and putting down roots (wacka wacka).

Oldtown

Sam Tarly geeks out over seeing the Citadel’s library and a thousand Beauty and the Beast memes were born. 

Sam and Gilly have lately been a yawn. However, there’s one important thing to note--before running out of his dad’s house with Gilly and the baby, Sam stole the family sword Heartsbane, one of the rare pieces of Valyrian steel left in Westeros. Valyrian steel, along with dragonglass, is the only weapon that can kill a White Walker. Foreshadowing alert!

Dorne

Varys’s secret mission is revealed when he meets with Olenna Tyrell, Ellaria Sand, and the Sand Snakes in Dorne. Daenerys is going to need every ally she can get, and Varys is doing a good job of putting together an all-star team of bad-ass ladies for her. Olenna and Ellaria have good reason to want revenge on Cersei Lannister, so they have no qualms about aligning with the Mother of Dragons. I CANNOT WAIT TO SEE THIS SHIT GO DOWN. It’s gonna be even better than the “Bad Blood” video.

Iron Islands

Euron Greyjoy pretty much hijacks the Kingsmoot, taking the crown that really should’ve gone to Yara. Insert current political commentary here. Yara and Theon defect over to Daenerys’s side and join her rag-tag crew of disgruntled Westerosi that have a bone to pick with its current leadership.

Somewhere, out in the wild, effing shit up:

Arya’s perfected the art of wearing another face, and uses her new skills to prove that revenge is a dish best served out of Frey children. After feeding Walder Frey a meat pie made out of his own kids, Arya slits his throat. Everyone else left on her list better watch out in Season 7.

Also running amok in Westeros is Arya’s old partner in crime, Sandor Clegane, a.k.a the Hound. His attempt at living a simple life in a meadow with a bunch of hippies was violently cut short when the group is mass slaughtered, and he encounters the killers on the road shortly after they’d been caught by Beric Dondarrion, Thoros, and their crew. Thoros has the ability to resurrect the dead, so their reappearance this late in the game can be seen as another big foreshadowing clue.

King’s Landing

SO MUCH HAPPENED HERE. This is not hyperbole when I say that the finale of Season 6 was one of the most amazing hours of television EVER. Using the stash of wildfire hidden in the tunnels below King’s Landing, Cersei took out all of her enemies in one fell swoop (creating a whole new batch of enemies for herself, but out of many things she is known for, foresight is not one of them). The High Sparrow, Margaery and Loras Tyrell, Kevan Lannister, and the rest of the crowd in the Grand Sept go up in one spectacular green blaze. A distraught King Tommen leaps out the window to his death, and Cersei is now Queen. During her coronation, her brother-lover Jaime watches with a concerned expression on his face. As we recall from the flashback earlier in the series, a fortune teller named Maggy the Frog had told child Cersei that she would have three children, and “gold shall be their crowns and gold their shrouds. And when your tears have drowned you, the valonqar shall wrap his hands around your pale white throat and choke the life from you.” Valonqar is high Valyrian for little brother. Can someone tell me the Valyrian for shit’s about to go down?

Mereen

THIS. This is what we’ve been building up to for 6 years. With her army of ships, her loyal Unsullied, the newly recruited Dothraki blood riders, her closest confidantes--Grey Worm, Varys, Missandei, Tyrion--and her three full-grown dragons, Daenerys is sailing towards Westeros and the Iron Throne. I just rewatched this scene in crappy Youtube quality on my 11-inch laptop screen and it still gives me chills. Daenerys has more than proved herself--she’s survived fire, freed slaves, rebuilt cities, and burned down a yurt full of Khals. From the moment she was sold into marriage at 16 years old, she’s been fighting her way tooth and nail towards the destiny she believes she deserves, and finally, FINALLY, she’s on her way home. Brace yourselves, Heauxs, the big payoff is coming.

2 WHITE DUDES NO ONE CARES ABOUT (BACHELORETTE RECAP)

2 WHITE DUDES NO ONE CARES ABOUT (BACHELORETTE RECAP)

THERE'S NO I IN PARTOUZE (RHONY RECAP)

THERE'S NO I IN PARTOUZE (RHONY RECAP)