I GOT YOUR ELEPHANT CLOCK RIGHT HERE (SOUTHERN CHARM RECAP)
Michael wears an apron to wash the car, which is weird, but then we see that Patricia is sitting in the car while he washes it. I can only assume she likes the sound of a squeegee on a window because no further explanation is given.
Chelsea eats peanut butter for dinner and Shep comes over to bring her golf clubs. He shares her peanut butter spoon dinner and apologizes for grabbing her and kissing her and also says it was basically her fault because she’s a shiny lure. She says that he treated her like a kissing slut girl and he says that he knows that she’s not a kissing slut girl and therefore shouldn’t be treated that way. And then Shep finally admits that he actually likes Chelsea and he’s only kinda drunk right now so saying his feelings is making him so uncomfortable that he has to bounce his leg up and down repeatedly like a maniac. Chelsea is like, “You assault me because you like me? This changes everything. Hold up while I delete Austen’s number.”
Kathryn shows up to Cameron’s and they stand next to each other so we can appreciate that Kathryn is twice as tall as Cammie. She could put Cammie in her pocket book and carry her around Charleston and I would pay money to see it. We get to see a picture of Cameron on her wedding day which means that her husband’s face is in the shot which means that he finally signed some sort of a release thank gawd. They talk about Camme’s birthday Key West lparty and Cammie yammers on about being nervous about becoming a mom which is the most boring plot point on this show, even more boring than Craig and Naomie’s couples therapy appointments. Kathryn tells Cammie to calm down and that having kids is amazing and if you don’t like it you can just go on a bender and then you don’t have to see them anymore.
Cammie asks Kathryn to tell us all why she actually hates Landon. It’s because Kathryn and T-Rav were dating and were planning a romantic plantation get away for Valentine’s Day weekend, like you do when you are the most refined racist. Then the wind changed direction and Kathryn and T-Rav broke up and Landon went on the romantic white supremacist vacay with T-Rav instead. And, yes, that sounds not great. Kathryn then says the worst thing a woman can say about another woman on a Bravo show, which is that Landon is , “not a girl’s girl” and wow shit I don’t think Landon can ever recover from that accusation.
The next scene is between Naomie and Craig and I’m going to recap it with a poem:
House of egg shells
blank white onesie
Craig adjusts the embroidery settings – maybe a cat again?
Naomie sits down, her body facing away
You are the one who’s not nice.
I do things all day.
What phase am I in?
The phase where all you have is
a blank onesie for a child who has not yet been conceived,
day beer in a Miss Universe koozie, and
Please be nice to me while we’re in Key West.
Whitney wears a black satin suit and says that Key West is a shit hole but he loves Cameron and therefore is going to Key West for her birthday. Also, it’s on his production calendar.
Patricia gives Whitney a gift that she acquired by absent-mindenly yelling “bid” into her phone for five minutes. It cost $32,500 and it is an elephant clock. It is the ugliest clock I’ve ever seen, with the exception of the other clock on Patricia’s mantle that looks just like it. Anyway, it has an elephant and a maharaja and slaves and Whitney and Patricia can’t figure out how to get the slaves to hold the fan quite right and Michael figures out because of course he does and holy fuck Patricia at least Google the word “woke.”
Landon comes over to T-Rav’s and helps him take a leaf out of the table. She says that she’s going to Key West but that she isn’t going to fight with Kathryn or let her win or sink down to Kathryn’s level or do anything at all. T-Rav sits there and agrees while wearing a denim shirt and denim pants that are two completely different types of denim and how is it that anyone is ever dating him ever.
Chelsea and Austen drive over to Austen’s parents’ house and Chelsea mentions that Shep did not grab her and pull her outside even though she said before that he did. Austen is 100% right when he responds, “So I guess you’ve talked to Shep,” and she has and is trying to diminish his behavior because he bounced/apologized on her couch and now she might want to kiss him consensually. And then we go to Austen’s parents’ house and find out that he used to tickle people with palm fronds in church and I don’t know what to do with that information.
For some ridic reason we’re taking a 6AM flight to Key West. They arrive and Cameron yells “Arriba! Arriba!” which would be deeply problematic if they had arrived in a Spanish speaking country, but since they are just in Key West it instead just makes no fucking sense. Austen finds out at the hotel check-in counter that he and Chelsea aren’t sharing a room. I guess Chelsea has decided that they gotta leave enough space between them for Jesus and/or Shep.
The group sits outside and day drinks and Landon does the best belligerent hammock yelling I have ever seen. The issue of her stealing Kathryn’s romantic slave trip comes up and Chelsea says that it was kinda fucked up for Landon to go on the trip and Landon says that it was actually a business dinner and she had her own wing of the plantation. She also yells “There is no girl code I’m sorry that’s the lamest thing I’ve ever heard grow up.” And then Chelsea is like “OK” and it’s very anticlimactic. Landon continues to yell that she doesn’t think that Kathryn’s hit rock bottom want and also Kathryn doesn’t really want to get her children back and also Kathryn did 9-11.
Everyone goes back to their rooms to get ready for dinner and Landon is like oh no, me and this hammock are just getting started. She yells at Austen to lay on the hammock with her and he does because she is just so belligerent. She’s like “drinks are yummy! Girls suck! Boys are fun! Look at my wrinkles!” Chelsea and Cammie watch them in the hammock and Chelsea is like, “Why does Austen think that me saying Shep grabs are cool and also we’re not sleeping together on this trip means he gets to hammock sit with Landon?” and holy shit single people make no sense.
Shep gives Austen a beer and sits him down for a bro talk. Austen is like, “You looked me in the face and said you don’t need my friendship and it for real hurt my feelings.” And Shep is like, “Fuck, man, I forgot that feelings are a thing.” And then Shep apologizes and gives Austen a brosef marlin shirt so now they’re cool and holy shit men make no sense.
Everyone gets ready for dinner and T-rav combs his hair and looks at himself in the mirror and it’s a second of pure silence, him just staring at himself in the mirror like daddy was right my face is the worst.
Dani’s here and so is her fiancé whose name is Todd and she’s like “Todd!” and runs up and hugs him and that whole time I thought he was the bus driver.
At the restaurant Landon has morphed into southern accent drunk and can’t find a seat because they’re all crammed into the table and also no one wants to sit next to her. Kathryn has a thing around her neck again I don’t understand why she insists on looking like she’s 48 years old and trains show dogs. Kathryn orders a margarita because both addiction and court orders don’t count on vacation. JD asks if they have Gentry bourbon and of course they don’t because this is a real restaurant and that is a fake bourbon. Whitney asks if T-Rav and Kathryn will ever hook up again they both lie and say no.
Whitney and his satin suit have done a lot of transcendental meditation lately and also he’s a producer on this show so he thinks that Landon and Kathryn should sit next to each other. So he makes them sit next to each other. And here is how it goes:
Landon: I don’t want any tension between us and I wish only good things for you
Kathryn: Same JK LOL no, really, same
Craig: SAY WHY YOU HATE EACH OTHER RIGHT NOW IT’S THE ONLY WAY
Landon: Anyway, Kathryn I like you more than I like Thomas
Kathryn: I low key don’t believe you but also SAME
T-Rav: Wait, what now?
Craig: SAY WHY YOU HATE EACH OTHER YOU MUST IT’S WHAT I DO AND YOU CAN SEE HOW GOOD MY THINGS ARE
Everyone else: Craig, stahp.
Naomie: Craig, this is weird
Craig: NAOMIE YOU ARE SLEEPING ON THE COUCH TONIGHT HOW COULD YOU. WOMEN ARE THE WORST
Cameron: Raise your hand if you wanna move on from this conversation/get shit faced
JD: *raises both hands*
And we’re on the next morning and hangover omelets. Chelsea is bringing Austen sausage so I guess they’re banging again. Landon says she has a migraine which I guess is what we’re calling a hangover now.
T-Rav says that someone with a bleeped-out name is watching the kids and Kathryn is like “Nope, I hate that bitch” and T-Rav is like, “She’s 19 and better than you and I am sleeping with her like a lot,” and Kathryn is like, “Not OK motherfucker,” and T-Rav is like, “My judge friend said it was OK,” and Kathryn walks away and T-Rav is like, “She is the worst,” and Landon is like, “No, it is you who are the worst,” and T-Rav is like “OUR ROMANCE IS OVER.” RIP that drunk restaurant lady’s dreams of their love.