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Hi.

Our thumbs are basically numb from texting back and forth 24/7 about everything we love (AND HATE) that's happening on our televisions, iPads, and eye glasses (hi, we think we're funny) and we thought WHY NOT SHARE THIS JOY WITH THE WORLD?!  

COUNTESS GOTTA COUNTESS (RHONY RECAP)

COUNTESS GOTTA COUNTESS (RHONY RECAP)

Hi. Can we talk for a minute? This whole LuAnn drama has me asking a few real questions about friendship. I know I KNOW. Like how could a silly show on Bravo make me think and question my life. BUT HERE WE ARE DON'T LOOK AT ME IN THAT TONE OF VOICE. How far are you supposed to go to protect someone from potential relationship disaster? What level of friendship do you need to have with a person before going nuts and really getting’ up in their grill? What I’m saying is … are these bitches on to something they need to continue perusing and is that a thing grownups can even do?

Me thinks ... probably not, and ESPECIALLY with The Countess.

Nevertheless. Here we are back at Dorinda's in the Berkshires. I don’t even know what to say about last week’s episode. It was a big fat gigantic filler. The only nice thing I can say about it is it reminded me of the good old days where an episode of The Brady Bunch would end with a sudden TO BE CONTINUED. Remember when that shiz was exciting? You’d be all … OMG what is this wacky statue Bobby found in this Hawaiian cave … and they’d hit you with TO BE CONTINUED. You’d get excited and scared and then eat a fourteen pound bag of Skittles. I’m not so sure Dorinda’s interrogation of Lu had the same sort of energy as that kick-ass Hawaiian vacay, but aiiight. Thanks for the memories, Queen Cohen.

DEEP SIGH.

We get it LULU. You trust Tom. I hope his wang is like 900 feet thick and vibrates like 45 lawn mowers because it sounds like you're in for trouble.

Lu starts complaining about how the girls are gossiping and it's none of their business. She reminds us all about how Ramona has been talking to people and chasing down Tom's friends to ask about alleged affairs. It's all a bunch of junk we already know because we're grown ups and didn't miss a beat last week ... HI GIRL ... WE WENT TO COLLEGE. Lu says LOVERS QUARRELS a lot. Like A LOT A LOT A LOT. Like more times than I've ever heard in my life? So many times that I'm going off on a tangent about it. LOVERS. QUARRELS. LOVERS QUARRELS LOVERS QUARRELS LOVERS QUARELS. Whatever. Contess gotta Countess, y'all.

The girls enter the room one by one. They've clearly been directed by a producer, and it's funny and weird and OH MY GOD I LOVE DORINDA'S WACKY COLORED COUCHES. 

AHEM.

First we get Ramona who questions Lu about the rumors and gets no real answers. She rattles off a list of stuff she’s heard and Lu denies all of it. SHOCKING. Bethenny comes in and listens for a bit and tells LuAnn she doesn’t think Ramona is making up lies. Eventually all the girls are in the room and ask questions and Lu defends Tom on every count. They all ask real questions, but Lu isn’t having any of it. 

The girls mostly keep it chill. They press Lu, but it doesn’t explode. Nobody is buying Lu’s story. They think she’s going through with the whole thing for the parties and money and events and the lifestyle Tom will give her and whatnot. They even point out that Lu isn’t saying the rumors aren’t true, she’s really only saying don’t talk about it.

I think I agree with the whole lifestyle thing, that's clearly what she's in it for ... but also I don’t have any idea. I don’t feel like I have enough info (even though there’s clearly A LOT of info), and also IT’S NONE OF MY BUSINESS. I guess that’s what it really comes down to for me. It’s none of my beeswax. There are different kinds of relationships, why should anybody care what’s happening here. Lu isn’t actually asking for help, so don’t you just have to let it be? It’s not up to these girls, so maybe it’s time to drop it. BUT! Are you supposed to express concern in this sort of situation, or let it go? What are you supposed to do? No matter what I think it’s time to move on, this whole Tom drama is boring AF.

Then suddenly Dorinda has had it. Who can blame her. She's out here in this crazy house for her birthday and these bitches won't shut up and her birthday cake has fallen. Like. Seriously. Her birthday cake arrives and it's smashed and weird and Dorinda is all ... FUCK IT WHO CARES. This is why I love Dorinda and I just changed my will so she gets my kidneys if she needs them. She wants her weekend in the Berkshires to be nice. She pronounces the whole thing done. LOL. Has my girl been paying attention? Ain’t nobody about to let this go. I mean Happy Birthday, Baby Girl, but LOLOLOL

Somewhere in the middle of all this mess Carole announces that she’s very outdoorsy and super good at camping. She has the women fetch the wood from the next room and then she builds a fire. LIKE ... she builds a fire from nothing in about a minute. LIKE A CHAMP. Seriously. Like one minute there's nothing and the next there’s a roaring fire. HUGE. It’s sorta incredible. Think about it. Who of all these women would you expect this from? Maybe Bethenny, but that's only because she clearly grinds her teeth and that could start a fire ... but seriously WHO? Dorinda? Maybe. Certainly not Carole.

Then suddenly the room fills with smoke. WHY? Because the fireplace that Carole built a fire in is broken. LOLWTF. They barely get upset. Dorinda makes some grumpy noises, moves everyone to the next room and puts the fire out. I'd be screaming and calling 911, but these girls .... NADA. 

They’re all talking to Tins who is upset she went out with that kid from a couple episodes ago. That dude was 30. THIRTY. Oh my lord. I'm clearly 900 years old because it sounds like we're talking about an infant. Like ... what do you even say to a person who is 30. Can they even talk yet? Do they still wear diapers at that age? HOW AM I EVEN ALIVE. LIFE IS SO HARD. Lu gets all dreamy and philosophical and OPRAH on everybody's ass and starts talking about how you have to follow your gut and your heart where love is concerned. Be calm and it will come to you, that kind of shiz. You know, because she's a GD relationship whisperer now.

This gets right up under Bethenny's skin. I mean OBVI. You've met Bethenny, so you know this crap isn't going to go well. Bethenny says I followed my heart and my gut and it got me into a whole mess of trouble. So, our good friend OPRAH tells Bethenny that her life is good and she has a beautiful daughter now and not to forget that.

I'm half expecting Bethenny to jump up and tear LuLu's heart out of her chest and feed it to the other girls. Instead she lets what she heard from Lu soak in for about 3 seconds before telling her she has no idea what she went through. There's some yelling and back and forth and then Bethenny leaves the room because that's basically her thing.

She's obviously hurt from this whole divorce business, it'd be nice if she'd let us in and talk about it. I'm guessing there are two parts to this. ONE: She can't because that jerk-face would come after her and TWO she's not super vulnerable like that. So we get no info, and she looks a little coo coo.

Lu goes to comfort Bethenny and apologizes for upsetting her. Bethenny says she’s OK just stressed, but tells Lu she thinks she's about to make a big mistake. She cries and really gives it to Lu, while saying she's not crying about Lu's situation but her own. Bethenny keeps saying she is not OK and can't and won't be. While this is happening we overhear Carole in the next room talking about how Bethenny's ex sends her terrible emails telling her she's a terrible mother and other garbage.

WHEW LARD IT'S A LOT. I mean who knew Bethenny could make water come out of her eyes.

MEANWHILE ... back at Dorinda's kitchen...

Dorinda (LOL THE HELP) has made a turkey dinner complete with canned cranberry sauce.

OH MY GOD ARE THESE BITCHES GONNA EAT? LOL ... nope. We hear eating noises and clanking dishes but we never see actual eating. Ramona is acting very weird, like weirder than usual. She looks a little stoned, actually. She offers a toast to Lu & Tom and goes off on a tangent. Everyone is looking at her like she's lost her mind. Then Ramona slinks over to Bethenny and sits on the side of her chair, leans in to her ear and appologizes. It's slurry and bizarre AF. What is going on?

The birthday cake comes out and blah blah blah yada yada yada ... and they give Dorinda her birthday moment. Once that's done Bethenny gets right down to business with Ramona. She says, "I can see you want to talk, so let's do it." She doesn't want Ramona walking around on egg shells and wants to clear the air. Ramona says she doesn’t want to go to the past she wants to live in the here and now and move on.

So… Beth says, "You have not been a great friend to me."

Ramona makes the craziest of crazy Ramona faces and starts to gear up to lose her damned mind and ...

…TO BE CONTINUED…


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