It’s time for Saint’s first birthday party! They release captive bunnies, chicks, and kitties into a playpen that’s precariously balanced on a sparse grass lawn and kudos to T-Rav for making this party a perfect metaphor for Saint’s home life.
Naomie paints Craigs toes so I guess they’re getting better but then Craig asks how his pedicure is going and Naomie murders him with a knife, so nevermind
Kathryn is excited to be invited to her son’s first birthday party and is serving J Crew Rehab realness in that she’s J Crew from the waist up and I-fell-down-while-blackout-drunk-and-ripped-my-fav-jeans-and-can’t-afford-a-new-pair-so-I-will-pretend-this-is-fashion from the waist down. She drives Elizabeth to the party and tries to remember that she’s on camera and shouldn’t nervously chew off her nails and does great for like a minute and then her whole hand is in her mouth.
Cammie and Patricia are being driven over by Michael and, guys, can we get a wellness check on Michael? I’m not saying we have to call Charleston PD and make a podcast about it, but I’d really feel better if we could confirm that he works for Patricia of his own free will and is like paid and shit. Patricia sits in the backseat doing her best Faye Dunaway impression and comments on how embarrassing it must be to be invited as a guest when you’re the mother of the child and yes, it sucks, like a lot, stop enjoying it so much you racist hag.
Thomas definitely planned this party himself because there’s like a single table with the world’s fanciest cake stand, a teeny tiny animal cake where the monkey tail isn’t even wrapping around the way Thomas said he wanted it to, two jugs of sweet tea, and a bowl of what looks to be cut-up chicken. Like, just pieces of cooked chicken breast, cut up and put in a bowl?
Cameron arrives and the shirt she is wearing I can’t even. It’s like Anne Heche when she delivers the book to Meryl Streep in Devil Wears Prada only ugly. It’s an off-shoulder long-sleeved shirt that’s a black knit for the first 1/3 and a white dress shirt for the bottom 2/3 and Cammie you are a beautiful woman and can get away with anything but that doesn’t mean that you should.
Kathryn breezes by Jennifer and her baby and won’t say hi to either of them because Jennifer is the worst person in the world and also literally only touched T-Rav’s handkerchief once on TV. Is “Make a new mother feel like shit,” one of the 12 steps? They probably told Kathryn it was just to trick her into going to rehab.
Shep tries to schedule another haircut with Chelsea and I know that they show us scenes out of chronological order but he just had a haircut last week and I am taking a stand and demanding some goddamn haircut continuity.
Patricia does this amazing thing where, while the group is singing happy birthday to Saint and he has the smash cake right in front of him, basically the money shot of a first birthday party, she is off to the side, on the phone, asking Michael to bring the car around so she can get the fuck out. And yes, parties for children where there is no alcohol exist only for the sole purpose of making you realize how much you miss your couch.
Kathryn lets us know that all she really wants to do in life is stand in a weird field with her weird family and I kind of teared up a bit I don’t know why I’m letting this sociopath get to me. T-Rav tells us that he still loves Kathryn but he knows that deep down it can never work because he can never stop doing cocaine around her.
Landon meets Jennifer on a hazy ass rooftop deck and Jennifer summarizes Saint’s birthday party for Kathryn: it was “cute”, Jennifer’s feelings were hurt, and nothing of consequence happened. Landon confesses that she had intended to tell T-Rav at their dinner last episode that she isn’t going to date him but then that drunk lady yelled “SOULMATES!” a lot and now she’s less certain of what she wants. My God, you guys, we can get Landon to do pretty much anything by just looking her in the eye and yelling at her while smiling. If I ever get the chance I’m going with, “SPEECH THERAPY!”
Jennifer thinks that they Landon and T-Rav should date so that Kathryn can murder Landon on camera and Jennifer can be guaranteed a bigger paycheck for season 5. Landon is legit touched that Jennifer is telling her to date T-Rav because Jennifer actually knows T-Rav as a person. Let’s break that down for a second: Jennifer knows T-Rav IRL and therefore has been privy to all of the freaky scummy shit that he does/says and is still IN SPITE OF THIS telling Landon to date him. Landon then comes to the incorrect conclusion that this means that T-Rav is really great and not the correct conclusion that the producer that handles Jennifer is gunning for that raise.
T-Rav visits Patricia’s home of fake aristocracy. Patricia tells T-Rav that she really really really really wants to see him get married because, I don’t know, she hates dry dicks? She literally does not say why she cares so much, but she gives T-Rav some tips on how to court a woman you would like to marry: you follow her around, you show up where she is without asking, you give her things she neither wants nor needs, and you do it repeatedly until she gives up and dates you because it’s easier than getting a restraining order.
Cameron wears a black crocheted horror show of a top to go see her therapist. She tells her therapist how she’s ready to cave in to societal pressure and have a baby because a psychic told her to. Cammie says that she’s still scared and therapist says, “It’s going to be OK” and lying to your clients like that is not cool. Cameron laugh/cries that she’s going to get fat and what is this society we live in where the magical god-like ability to literally grow life in your body is considered less impressive than being able to fit into size 2 jeans.
Chelsea takes Austen crabbing. Austen smells Chelsea’s pits when she asks him to and he is so in love. And now I’m going to ruin crabs for you forever: they are really just ocean spiders. I know, I’m the worst. Anyway, Austen doesn’t kill any animals so he doesn’t get to come tonight.
Shirtless T-Rav putting on concealer is something I never want to see every again and I’m filing a complaint with the FCC. Landon’s business partner calls her and they talk about possible new names for Roam and then T-Rav sneaks up to Landon’s back door like an alcoholic ghost. He brings her one long-stemmed rose and Landon says that she would rather have an orchid and T-Rav asks if she wants to go walk the dog and Anna, Landon’s business partner, who has been awake since 2AM and who has also been on the phone this whole time, is like “IT’S COOL GO FOR A WALK I’LL JUST DO MORE OF ALL OF THE WORK.”
T-Rav and Landon sit on a bench and talk about starting a relationship. T-Rav comments on how the drunk lady in the restaurant who yelled at them that are meant to be was “so convicted of this information” and Thomas, no, that was you. I am so proud of that joke I just took a lap around the room. Anyway, T-Rav is like “Why don’t we just take a chance and if it doesn’t work out don’t worry I’ll just have a judge order you to go to rehab.” Landon agrees because she has nothing else to do.
Naomie and Craig take their cat on a trip to a mystery location. Naomie says that she’s going to be super sad when their cat dies and Craig tells her she’s a dumb idiot for having thoughts in her head. Craig reveals that he bought a house and Naomie doesn’t immediately ridicule him, so that’s progress. They take the cat into the house and Gizmo runs away immediately because he’s a sentient being and therefore has the innate instinct to flee from Craig. Why would you take your cat to a new place, cats hate going new places, it’s why they’re the best pets.
Shep shows up to Chelsea’s house where she has a cotton wreath on the front door and I don’t understand the south. Chelsea says “What are you doing here?” and there were cameras inside her house before he knocked you knew he was coming over, enroll in an acting class and try it again.
Shep says that he wants to move out of his house because he thinks that alcoholism is location-specific. He says that if he moves he’ll party less and get married and Chelsea is like, “That’s not how alcoholism works,” and Shep is like, “How are things going with Austen?” and Chelsea is like, “How is it that you’re trying to put cheese on a tortilla chip right now?” Chelsea says that Austen is her man who is not her man and thtat she’s living her best life. She says that she’s dating him exclusively and he is dating her exclusively but they are not boyfriend girlfriend because the second he asks her “How are you?” she’s moving to Taiwan. Shep’s face during this is amazing, you can watch it melt from jealousy in real time.
Cammie tries to make the shit shack she’s showing Shep look better by turning on a lamp and it does not work. That’s OK because Shep doesn’t even come to the showing. After waiting around for two hours while the producers get great b-roll footage of a snail, Cammie decides to drive over to his house. She calls Chelsea to see if she knows where Shep is and Chelsea says that she last saw him getting in an Uber and ya’ll that is how like 80% of obituaries start.
Shep’s front door is unlocked because he’s just praying someone is going to come in and murder him because that’s easier than not drinking. It’s like CSI-Shep in his house - an undrunk cocktail, a variety of empty cans of terrible beer, a mound of cigarette butts. Shep is asleep with his clothes on and his he doesn’t even have a duvet on his comforter and you know his mother is LIVID. Cammie thinks that this is Shep’s rock bottom because has never seen anyone actually have a bad time. Shep says he doesn’t like his house because, “There’s a frat party here every night,” like he can’t stop it, like someone put “Frat Party at Shep’s!” on Meetup.org and refuses to take it down. Cammie says that she was really worried about him and Shep says, “I’m not dead” and the unspoken “yet” just hangs there.