IS THERE ALCOHOL IN SHOTS? (SOUTHERN CHARM RECAP)
The Shep in this show’s introduction is a young, strong, handsome man who emerges gracefully from the Atlantic ocean while carrying a surfboard, and he bears little resemblance to the Shep of today. It’s like the Shep of today was waiting just off-screen to kill that young, fresh-faced man, wear his skin as a suit, and then drink a gallon of bourbon every day while contracting syphilis. Point is – want to watch a man become trash before your very eyes? Good thing you’re watching this show!
We open on our Charleston friends going about their daily activities and I have to pause my TV and take a second because Thomas is escorting Kensie through a parking lot and they are not holding hands. Maybe I’m weird in being convinced that my child is gonna be squished by a teenager in a Trans-Am but WE ALWAYS HOLD HANDS IN THE PARKING LOT. That shit is gospel.
Cameran meets up with her mom to look at some dude’s creepy ass dolls. Cameran’s mom’s hair looks like dandelion fuzz and I mean that in the nicest way. I wanna blow on her head. Cameran confesses that she is interested in creepy ass dolls because when she was a teenager she wanted to be a white witch. She used to have purple hair and go off into the woods to do spells and this is a PSA for all the children interested in magic out there – don’t fuck with it or else you’ll get cast in the Real World San Diego. But you also might be completely gorgeous and ageless like Cameran, so maybe give it a shot? Anyway, this dude’s haunted doll shop also doubles as Kathryn’s Pinterest makeup inspiration board. Creepy doll dude calls himself Doctor Wren and has a large sign in the shot that says “Doctor Wren” and his website is up and running, which is how you’re supposed to launch a brand via a Bravo Reality TV show LANDON.
Cammie says that she wants to buy a love doll for Shep. Love doll, blink twice if you need me to come get you.
Shep plays basketball with Austen and is doing it in khakis because this fucker has all of this mailbox money rolling in but he can’t be bothered to go to Target. He refers to the girl he disappointed sexually last night as a “filly” and can all of us women just get together and just Lysistrada Shep? We can all, as humans with vaginas, refuse to indulge his nonsense penis until he at the very least purchases a functional wardrobe.
The producers go full on scoreboard to show us that Shep is winning in their basketball game, but then Shep’s heart basically explodes. For real, all of a sudden Shep is sporting Steven Bannon’s complexion and he is clearly unable to breathe or think and he’s probably going to throw up. This is a new thing, and I’m naming it “white guy tired.”
Whitney sits at a restaurant and is very honest with the waitress: “I have a friend coming, he’s a total alcoholic, can I get a double bourbon with a splash of Coke.” But there are so many alcoholics on this show – who could it be? T-Rav! T-Rav drinks his bourbon and reminisces about this one pair of khaki pants he used to own that cupped his balls just so and allowed him to be able to have his pick of any girl in a bar. Is this episode sponsored by Dockers or something? Dudes of the world, hear this: khakis are the mayonnaise of pants. They aren’t attractive, stop it. Thomas is sad because he’s currently getting laid but only by low class ladies who don’t realize that his felony conviction is a red flag. Whitney tells Thomas to find out how Landon feels and here is how Landon feels: *empty whirring noises*
Kathryn hasn’t spoken with Jennifer in 6-7 months because of Kathryn’s need to feel important by pretending that people are plotting against her. Kathryn’s still pissed because when Jennifer was 8 months pregnant with a baby who had diagnosed brain issues she cried and then Thomas handed over his handkerchief and Kathryn is HAVING NONE OF IT. Kathryn’s face when he hands Jennifer the handkerchief – it makes me want to sell a reality TV show to ABC called “So You Think You Can Seethe?” where people from around the country audition to see who can reenact that scene the best and the winner will be the dude from Oklahoma City who has the genius idea to just set fire to the couch.
Kathryn is sitting in this cement throne chair like she’s trying to cosplay Cersei in Game of Thrones, but it isn’t working because is wearing a choker that was clearly made from tearing off the bottom of her shirt.
Kathryn, in a new testimonial look which is all crushed-blue-velvet-Glamour-Shot-Hoodoo-doll-when-contours-attack-p.s.-your-makeup-artist-hates-you, says that she’s mad at Jennifer because Jennifer used to hate Thomas but later accepted his kindess during her high-risk pregnancy. WILL NO ONE THINK OF KATHRYN? Jennifer explains that she was in a time of need and she wasn’t sure if her baby was going to live or die and Kathryn listens and chews ice so dismissively that she just gave “So You Think You Can Seethe?” a season two. Jennifer starts crying uncontrollably as she recounts how lonely she felt being abandoned by Kathryn as she was dealing with an baby who may not live and Kathryn looks at her friend’s tears and concludes, “This is manipulation in its rawest form,” and WOW WOW WOW WOW. I like to think of this show as a garbage person derby and Cammie is always in the back because she’s just here to narrate ya’ll, and Austen isn’t that much far ahead of her, and all season Shep has been in the lead, like a full lap ahead, and all of a sudden Kathryn here just roared past him and crossed the finish line and then blasted into space and blew up the moon and then texted her friend that the moon never really cared about her happiness anyway. Kathryn – you are the fucking worst.
Craig can’t even feed a goddamn cat right and the producers are now giving all of his scenes the sad “bloop bloop” music belonging to someone who constantly disappointments everyone. He gets a sewing machine and calls his girlfriend, Naomie, to tell her the good news/waste her time, and her name in his phone is “Nomi.” Craig, my man, you need to spell your girl’s name right.
Austen and Landon check out a restaurant for Roam, Landon’s fake travel website. Landon says that she doesn’t want to tell the bartender that she’s there with Roam because maybe this restaurant won’t be “Roam-worthy.” The restaurant really isn’t Roam-worthy because it, unlike her website, actually fucking exists. Anyway, Landon’s bangs are so side-swept that they technically start on someone else’s face.
Shep’s at the doctor and he receptionist says “good job” to him when he hands her his ID and I’d also be surprised that he could follow simple instructions. The doctor asks how many drinks on average Shep has a day. He starts by saying 7, then briefly argues that shots don’t count as drinks, and ends up at 12, which you know actually means 68. Shep, how are you alive? He has to mention to the doctor that he had been winning at basketball just before his heart exploded. The doctor prescribes to maybe try not drinking for a week and I can hardly wait for Shep to spend to next episode trying to hide the shakes.
Landon and T-Rav meet up for dinner and they both have the most annoying drink orders like, “clear tequila plus your margarita mixer only if you make it in house, but then just a splash of it, plus soda water, and every lime in South Carolina.” They have a “deep” conversation where T-Rav concludes, “At some point neck up matters,” and wishes that he would have gotten married back when he was Landon’s age. Great, so you could have tanked that poor woman’s life along with your own? Like, someone give T-Rav a humanitarian award for not ruining the life of his imaginary first wife.
Craig is cooking for Naomie and then hauling everything across the yard to her parents’ back deck, which looks out over the water, which is s fucking dumb place to sit and eat because it’s night and you can’t see shit. Anyway, Craig thinks that dusting off patio furniture proves that he is awesome boyfriend and will cause Naomie to overlook the fact that he spends his days using a pre-set function on his sewing machine to embroider cupids on random pieces of cloth. He says, “I hope she feels as lucky being with me as I think she should,” and JESUS. Craig, my dude, you were close to being OK until the end of that sentence.
At dinner, Craig tells Naomie that he’s going to buy a rental home by the end of the week and that he’s also starting a clothing line. Naomie calls him out and says that he’s not going to do any of those things because doing even one of them requires him to actually DO A THING. She asks Craig if he wants to be a lawyer or not and Craig says that’s a dumb question because he can’t answer it until after he’s passed the bar and Naomie is like “don’t wait for the translation, yes or no,” and Craig is like, “I have neither the time nor the inclination to explain myself to a man who rises and sleeps under the blanket of the very freedom that I provide, and then questions the manner in which I provide it,” and Naomie is like, “Your logic is bad and you should feel bad,” and then Craig is like, “Your question is dumb and you are dumb,” and then Naomie wins my heart forever my demanding an instant apology, which Craig does not provide. Are they going to break up? Fuck, I hope so.