WHITE PEOPLE PLEASE STOP (SOUTHERN CHARM RECAP)
This recap is hella late because I spent the past week in Atlanta on vacation and the city is amazing but I spent the whole time trying to get into Old Lady Gang and I couldn’t so I was going to just go there when it opens and camp out for three hours until I could get a table but my husband read the Yelp reviews and basically threatened to divorce me if I made him stand outside a Real Housewives restaurant for three hours just so he could get some shitty cornbread so please know that I was suffering the whole time.
Ba ba doo! In the intro where Thomas is standing on a pier and holding a cocktail he looks like he’s about to just fall over the railing and splash into the river and sink to the bottom and I’m pretty sure he would have if not for the PA off-camera holding onto his ankle.
Car time! Chelsea and Cammie ride in a car talk about how Chelsea went to pork city with Austen. Kathryn rides in a car and calls Whitney because the producers told her to. Naomie and Craig ride in a car and argue while there’s a fucking McFlurry just sitting in the backseat cup holder. Naomie, girl, Craig is grown man who buys McFlurries his entire existence is a giant red flag you need to run for your life. T-Rav rides in a car with Kensie and mansplains architecture to her.
Naomie and Craig go to counseling and Craig stares at the floor as hard as he can, like there’s an answer somewhere in the carpet that will magically make Naomie just agree with everything he says and let him do whatever he wants for the rest of his life. And there is - right there, on the therapist’s carpet, the phrase “OMG walk into the ocean” is laid out in cracker crumbs.
The therapist asks them both want they want - Naomie wants them both to be respectful and nice to each other, while Craig wants Naomie to always agree with him, especially when he’s being whiny and disrespectful. Craig says he doesn’t want Naomie to be his girlfriend if she doesn’t have an instinctual trust in him and that is such a ridiculous demand - trusting another person isn’t innate. It would actually be really fucking stupid of Naomie, or anyone, to blindly trust another person when their mouth is saying “I’m going to be a lawyer,” but their actions are saying “Cat embroidery!” I think the real problem is that Craig thinks that relationships are like cults and he’s mad that he’s not as charismatic as Charles Manson.
The therapist asks them to do a “fair fighting exercise”, which is off to a bad start because first thing is they can’t agree on what yelling is. Naomie says that Craig yells at her all of the time and Craig says that he is a Yankee and up north people just scream at each other all day long and I lived in Chicago for 14 years and he’s not wrong.
Landon and Austen are at a bar and Landon orders a Michelob Ultra because of course she does. Austen says that he stopped drinking while they were at the quail hunt because, “Do you think Chelsea is the type of girl who’s going to let me wiggle on top of her while I’m wasted?” and this is how low this show has set the bar for male behavior that I was actually impressed by Austen in that moment. Look at him! Giving a shit about his partner’s sexual pleasure! THESE ARE THINGS YOU SHOULD DO AUTOMATICALLY.
Landon says that the tub of Cool Whip Light that she passes off as a boyfriend asked her if she loves him via text and she responded by asking him if he’s drunk and how can you even call what they have a relationship it seems more like she’s his RA.
Austen says that Landon wants a man has Shep’s age but T-Rav’s money and he just read her all the way to filth and back. Shep joins the weird day drinking party and they all talk about how Austen is like Shep only with a pink liver. Shep tries to go in on Austen and says that now that they’re back in Charleston Chelsea doesn’t like Austen anymore because Austen for sure hasn’t murdered any animals in the past 24 hours. Austen reports that he isn’t going to fall for Shep’s mind games, but these aren’t even mind games. Mind games are when you trick the other person to coming to a conclusion they wouldn’t have otherwise, while Shep’s just looking Austen right in the face and saying, “Chelsea doesn’t like you.” If Shep was in the movie Inception he’d get into your dreams and just yell “YOU SUCK!”
T-Rav pays a visit to a corpse he’s currently Weekending at Bernie’s. The corpse is Arthur Ravenel who is T-Rav’s dad and I thought this would be impossible but his teeth are larger than Shep’s. This man used to be a US Senator and he owns confederate memorabilia and a portrait of T-Rav from his youth that is basically racism as an oil painting. I did some quick research on T-Rav’s dad and found out that he once referred to the NAACP as the “National Association of Retarded People,” and then, after people took issue with him being the fucking worst, ONLY APOLOGIZED TO THE “RETARDED PEOPLE”. So he’s a living monster and we need to rename that Ravenel bridge ASAP. T-Rav tells us that he was legit abandoned by his father and therefore he can’t have a happy life because he’s always trying to impress this man who isn’t worth the oxygen that he breathes. The only thing T-Rav wants in the world is for his daddy to tell him that he’s doing a good job but T-Rav is also doing a terrible job so good luck with getting love from your mummified horror show of a father.
Austen takes Chelsea on an American Ninja Warrior date. Chelsea says that she wants a manly man because she is so good at manly stuff that she needs a guy who is extra manly to balance her out. Chelsea, gurl, gender is a construction, and you are super manly, and meanwhile Austen is super girly, so you guys are perfect together. Austen dunks a basketball and then demands a sweaty kiss from Chelsea and she tells him he has a boner and they don’t cut to his pants so you know she’s right. Austen tells Chelsea about his family and how he had an older sister who fell off a cliff in a national park and died and holy shit that is awful. Chelsea starts legit crying and I start legit crying and you start legit crying because the world is brutal and everyone gets more than their fair share of suffering. Austen says that his parents had another kid to help them all heal but they also know that they’ll never recover and fuck balls this is real.
We are at Patricia’s house but I’m not capitalizing it this week because I saw this blind item about her slave art collection and it ruined her for me. Anyway, Patricia is hanging out with a drag queen named Georgette and talking about how they became friends when “we met at a very fancy party and started talking about guns.” Georgette is pure 16/60, which is when you present as 16 from the back but 60 from the front. Georgette co-owns Patricia’s caftan business which started when Patricia bought a generic caftan with a generic dog on it for $3,000 American dollars so now she started a specific caftan line with specific dogs and they’re going to host a dinner to introduce the kids to their caftan line. Georgia doesn’t tolerate bad manners but she does tolerate glitterly pink eyeshadow so I guess her shit is all over the place.
Kathryn and her contour are BAAAAACK. Kathryn has gone through rehab but that contour still has a heavy drug problem. Kathryn is meeting Chelsea for the first time to get a new hairstyle for head shots and of a long list of 362 reasons that she’s not getting modeling jobs, the hairstyle in her headshots is like number 360. The first 56 reasons are WHAT IS THAT CONTOUR. Thomas texted Kathryn and she responded with a written letter which is like next level weird. She tells Chelsea that T-Rav has a hard time accepting love because he doesn’t feel worthy. Then Kathryn goes on to cry because T-Rav’s daddy never loved him and all he wants is his terrible daddy to love him and she’s happy that she could give Thomas a child he could show to his father so as to get his daddy to love him for a sec. Then they show us a reel of every happy moment their small family ever had and it lasts for 13 seconds. Kathryn ends it by saying that, “he is such an asshole but he is a good person,” and I don’t think she knows what “good person” means.
Georgette and Patricia wear their doggie caftans to the dinner party where the table theme is MOTHERFUCKING ELEPHANTS. Those caftans cost $300 each which I guess is reasonable but also just mail me your $300 and I can call you a dumb fuck and we’ll all be better for it.
Whitney comes to the party with his girlfriend, Daisy, who is dressed as Lady Mary Crawley with an opioid addiction. Landon arrives in a pedicab while wearing a sari and it’s the saddest thing I’ve ever seen in my whole life. Cammie is also in a sari and greats Thomas as “senator” and it’s just extra mean. Patricia’s butler, Michael, wears a turban and Landon claps because cultural appropriation is WHEEEE.
Over dinner Cammie tries to explain what “oh snap” means to Georgette and the whole thing makes me feel so sorry to be white, which is also how this whole show makes me feel. Georgette has a giant diamond that her people stole from India and holds the controversial opinion that manners aren’t related to breeding. Georgette once wrote a book and she tells the gang that forgiveness is everything and we should all move past the petty shit and I hope no one listens to her because then we wouldn’t have a show.
Good news everyone! Patricia hired a clairvoyant healer to stop by and fuck shit up! Patricia says that it’s going to be a super fun game where they each take turns sitting in a chair while the other guests ask the healer invasive questions. WHAT COULD GO WRONG.
Cammie: is going to become a mother because duh she’s pregnant right now. And she’s going to have three kids. And like a dozen panic attacks a day.
Craig: is going to be a lawyer because the law is his true passion and he will pass the bar and own his own law firm. And he and Naomie are soul mates which makes me wonder who the hell Naomie’s soul fucked over to get shackled to that guy.
Shep: will not be married because he’s not marriage material right now and he fears being alone for the rest of his life. So: everything we already knew.
Landon: has a soul mate connection to a specific person in this room. My money’s on Daisy.
Whitney: is going to have a baby? While Patricia is still alive? I don’t see how either of those things are medically possible.
T-Rav: they start by asking the healer about Kathryn and she’s like “the contour is blocking my reading I got nothing” and then Whitney mentions how she called him and left a voicemail and then ALL HELL BREAKS LOSE. Cammie says we should all stay out of it and then Craig says let Kathryn talk to people and then Shep says no, let people talk to Kathryn and then he screams “fuck” because he’s been sober for 20 minutes and Georgette has never in her life and then Landon demands that we all take the high road and then Craig says fuck and then Shep says fuck again and Georgette tells everyone to calm down because she’s a lady in a dog caftan and her stolen diamond won’t have it. So everyone leaves but Cammie and Craig and Shep stand outside and continue to yell at each other about how Kathryn is either a lost kitten or Satan. And man I hope that one day my name just being mentioned at a dinner party brings people to blows.