QUAIL MURDER AS FOREPLAY (SOUTHERN CHARM RECAP)
We’re halfway through the season ya’ll! Time flies when you’re questioning Shep’s life choices.
Kathryn drives to JD and Elizabeth’s house and her look is ½ her go-to style of haunted babydoll and ½ a whole new look which I can only call contestant-on-America’s-Next-Top-Model-who-was-just-given-45-seconds-to-give-herself-a-Covergirl-Walmart-makeover.
JD and Elizabeth and their 28 children greet Kathryn. They ask Kathryn how she’s doing and let her know that they missed her at Jennifer’s Sip & See. And then Kathryn, totally casual, sitting back, relaxing, mentions that she doesn’t like Jennifer because Jennifer had an affair with Thomas while Kathryn was pregnant and WUT? Like, when you were having lunch with Jennifer the other week and she was like, “Why do you hate me?” and you were like, “Cause you once touched Thomas’ handkerchief,” why didn’t you instead just say the real reason? I mean, I think that Kathryn believes that I had an affair with Thomas, but at least this reason for being a total dick to Jennifer makes actual living sense.
JD and Elizabeth are godparents to Kathryn’s children and they really want to see Kathryn and Thomas get along again because they have 36 children and they don’t have the space to take in two more. Kathryn isn’t sure how that’s going to happen because she’s a psycho and Thomas is also a psycho and Elizabeth suggests just taking it easy and like breathing in and out next time she sees Thomas instead of screaming, “YOU PIG I’MMA STAB YOU.”
Shep goes for a run and he is goofy tall. His arms and legs are stupid long and they look extra dumb jiggling around while he’s running. He runs over to Patricia’s house and lets Whitney know that he hasn’t had a drink in 5 days and he’s been keeping himself busy with reading and ordering ice cream and doing laundry and pretending he can’t hear that dark voice in his head that tells him that he’s had every advantage in life but he is still small and scared and unworthy of love and therefore should just go ahead and drink himself to death because he isn’t of any use to anyone. Also, he’s inviting everyone on a quail hunt!
Craig is assembling a binder and ignoring Naomie. She sits on the couch and he sits in a swivel chair with his back to her pretending to be very busy and important by just randomly moving paper around in his binder, the way you would if your boss just walked into the room and was also about to dump you. Naomie is still angry at Craig because he called her a child in public and Craig is still mad at Naomie because when Cameran and Shep asked her to blink twice if she needed help she blinked like 100 times. Naomie argues that Craig is being awful to her and Craig argues back that, yes, he is awful, but Naomie is also awful as well and, my man, when you’re making the same arguments as Alexander Skarsgard’s character in Big Little Lies you need to rethink your position.
Austen, Whitney, and Shep go on a pre-quail-hunting shopping spree. Whitney hears that there’s such a thing as snake boots and asks, quite concerned, “Are there snakes in Georgia?” and, my dude, there are snakes literally everywhere. Like in every single state. And country. And your shoe, right now. Shep talks to Craig on the phone because the producers made him and Craig is also getting snake boots and Shep has the line of the night when he assures Craig that, “A snake is going to get you no matter what.” From Shep’s lips to God’s ears.
PATRICIA HAS A TEDDY BEAR IPHONE COVER. It’s like a motherfucking bear that also has an iPhone in its chest, like some Build-A-Bear Workshop nightmare. Also, her caftan is covered in several hundred overlapping images of a lemur and it’s an acid flashback in fabric. Landon comes over and they both order bourbon slushies and when did those become a thing and why wasn’t I told immediately? They talk about how Thomas can’t go on the quail hunt because he’s not allowed to be around guns cause he’s a felon and Patricia writes it off as, “grown men have problems,” and we need to hire Patricia to do PR for like every member of Congress, she is so good at it. Patricia is trying very hard to get Landon to just go on and date Thomas but Landon doesn’t want to date Thomas because Kathryn will legit murder her face if she so much as glances at Thomas’ peen. Patricia says that you have to take risks in life or else you live a life of quiet desperation and LOL have you met Landon she already does that.
PACKING MONTAGE! Chelsea cleans her gun! Austen does pushups! Whitney packs his rifle and a Louis Vitton carryone! Shep drinks coffee instead of bourbon and low key prays for death!
Austen, Chelsea, Cameron, and Naomie all share one car. About this time my husband came into the living room and looked at the screen and said, “That girl, Chelsea, she was on Survivor,” and I was like WHAT THE SHIT PAUSE THIS WHAT? And he looked it up for me and *boom* our girl Chelsea made it to the finals of Survivor on a season which I watched and I didn’t even recognize her because she was so boring and blank and extraneous and clearly carried to the finals and she got 0 jury votes. And I am more impressed by her now because starving on an island surrounded by crazy people is…pretty much what she does in Charleston every day? Same diff.
Chelsea tells Austen that she is turned on by trucks and men who can hunt and you can see him planning on leasing a RAV-4 the second they get home. Meanwhile, Craig forgot his snake boots and 100% is going to die on this trip.
They arrive at their hunting cabin and it’s lovely and has a staff to cater to their every need. They change and Shep is hunting in suede pants while Whitney is hunting in Downton Abbey cosplay. They head out to the hunt and I find it gross because it takes a small army of people and dogs to enable these fucks to kill a small quail. Like, go kick bushes yourself if you’re supposed to be such a great hunter person. But I am charmed by the fact that the dog carries the dead bird to them in its mouth just like in Duck Hunt. Austen kills a few birds and Chelsea is like, “FYI I’m wet,” and you can watch, in real time, Austen’s entire aesthetic morph from frat boy to Duck Dynasty.
And…Shep is back to drinking. After five whole days of sobriety. And he’s not just like, “Cool, I’ll have some wine with dinner,” drinking. He’s like, “Fuck you liver I’m making myself a walking whiskey so I can be blasted to hell before any food enters my body," drinking. t was good knowing you, Shep.
At dinner, Landon sits next to Austen and is doing that thing where she’s hair flipping and talking loudly and talking constantly and giggling and touching Austen’s arm and taking literal notes in her phone of what Austen is saying. DOES SHE LIKE HIM GUYS I CAN’T TELL.
Thomas is now here because the guns have been put away and he has literally nothing else to do. Thomas tells the group how much he enjoys spending time with his children and everyone is like, “Wow you’re such a great dad” and, you know, just not hating being around your own children isn’t a fucking accomplishment.
Back at the lodge we’re all getting messy drunk and Cammie’s hair is going everywhere and she’s yelling and wrasslin people and laughing till she pisses herself. Chelsea and Austen excuse themselves because they’re staying at a separate cabin together and since Austen killed birds today he’s def getting laid.
This scene is one of the best things I have ever seen on television: it’s the next morning. Craig is in the bathroom. He is shirtless and is about to put on deodorant. He holds the deodorant in his hand, and then goes to put it on, but then like falls asleep while he’s lifting it up to his armpit so instead he jabs it into his chest, which startles him so much wakes up and drops the deodorant to the ground and I need a gif of this that I can show to Naomie on a loop until she dumps him.
Shep is back on the wagon after his one night bender. GOOD LUCK WITH THAT.
Meanwhile, in the love shack, the producers sneak in and find a bra on the couch and pants on the chair and Chelsea and Austen laying in bed together having achieved mutual sexual satisfaction the night before. Austen is like, “So now we’re married, right?” and Chelsea is like, “It’s so nice that neither of us care about each other that much,” and Austen is like, “Yep! I don’t love you the most at all!” and Chelsea is like, “Things are better when we mean nothing to each other,” and Austen is like, “I totally agree and I’m not crying!”
STILL TO COME THIS SEASON:
· Landon says you can’t come to someplace and not rent a moped but I can’t tell which place she says because bitch has a speech impediment
· Naomie and Craig go to counseling
· Cammie goes to counseling
· Kathryn has penmanship like a 14 year old and uses it to write Thomas a letter where she doesn’t call for his death and Thomas is legit touched
· Shep grabs Chelsea and tries to make out with her
· Landon wears a sari and demands an apology
· Austen yells at Shep cause he tried to kiss Chelsea
· Chelsea yells at Landon and OMG it’s all I want to watch
· Landon says that there is no such thing as girl code
· Thomas wears Scarface cosplay while Kathryn wears a velvet blazer and purple lipstick and tells Thomas that she’ll always love him, so you know she’s pregnant again