Our thumbs are basically numb from texting back and forth 24/7 about everything we love (AND HATE) that's happening on our televisions, iPads, and eye glasses (hi, we think we're funny) and we thought WHY NOT SHARE THIS JOY WITH THE WORLD?!  



I didn’t think I was gonna make it after listening to Carole read her election toast to her mother over the phone last week. That was some serious emotional stuff, you guys. Thankfully there’s all this loud fast paced music and flashy and quick camera movement to help me forget who has been elected president.

Flash! Ramonna is doing work on her Apartment.

Bang! Dorinda is talking to a dog while leaving her house in the Berkshiers.

Pop! Tins is picking up dog shit while saying no more grilled cheese sandwiches. Wait. Is this a thing you can feed a dog?

BOOM! Carole is tending to her cat menagerie while looking at Adam’s sexy ass.

CRASH!  Bethenny is ordering a club soda in a restaurant while waiting for Sonja. Bethenny acts as if she has traveled all the way from Africa. It’s so hard for her to come to this part of the city. Why are New Yorkers such spoiled bitches? Really, girl? You got in your black SUV and told your driver the address and now you’re here. HOW IS THIS HARD FOR YOU.

I’m watching this whole scene with BIG EYES because I can’t believe they’re sitting down to pretend to eat together. Remember when Bethenny called Sonja into her office so she could claw her eyes out about Tipsy Girl? Whatever, you guys, EVERYTHING IS FINE. I keep my eyes big as they go right in to dishing about Ramona’s surprise party. Sonja felt bad because Bethenny wasn’t there. They rehash Ramona being a jerk to Bethenny about this boob movie she made a few years back.

Oy. This again. How is this still a thing we need to talk about? There’s clearly a blow out on the horizon with this whole thing. I can’t wait until these two go at it. There will be SO MANY crazy eyes in that episode. SO. MANY.

They eventually move on to talk about dating. Bethenny suggests that the girls should all start looking for dudes in new and different places so they don’t end up all dating the same men again. Sonja says she does look all over AND that she finds men but the other girls come for her men anyway. She’s totally right. First there was the Pirate Dude that Lu ended up fucking on vacation. Second there was Harry who most of the women have dated (everyone except for Carole actually). Third we have Tom … who is minutes away from marrying Lu. What a mess! Lu calls Sonja a curator of cock and they have a big laugh. LOLOL A COCK CURATOR. LOLOLOL. Housewives, they’re just like us!

POOF! We’re back at Bethenny’s apartment. She’s cleaning her daughter’s room. She’s runway ready and stressed. OMG. Is her daughter a hoarder? Look at these tutus! Look at all these toys! Why is she pretending to clean up this room or care? There are better places to have a story line, girl. Go fight with somebody. Maybe eat a sandwich … that’s controversial. Whatever. YEAH she’s totally cleaning this room I’m soooo buying it. She talks about how life is different now and how she has money and a way to provide and take care of her family. They might need a bigger place now that everything is settled, a place that’s more of a home than an apartment. This is some fake Cinderella shit, and I can’t stop watching her play pretend. She sneaks in a bit about how she has been bitten by the real estate bug, and now she’s into it and how it feels therapeutic. I’m guessing this is a giant hint about her new show with Fredrik. I wanna have major attitude, but I can’t because I’m only jealous because Fredrik is the best. At least she has a hobby. See? Housewives! They’re just like us!

ZAP! Sonja and Tins are at Grey Gardens (LOL I AM HILARIOUS) and they’re cleaning the kitchen and put flowers in a vase. See this … THIS is housework I can believe. Sonja doesn’t like the flowers that Tins has picked out for the house. She does a whole monologue about how when you live a life of privilege you don’t know how to do things like buy flowers and arrange them in a vase. BOKAY … you’re a living in a giant house in the middle of Manhattan. Please tell me more about Tins living a life of privilege. These two are starting to get weird. They have a mother daughter fighting relationship going on. It’s funny and 100% a modern Grey Gardens. Tins is totally picking up on the weird vibes from Sonja and says she doesn’t want to over stay her welcome, and she’s starting to feel it’s time to maybe go. Really, girl? You think? FRIENDSHIPS ARE SO HARD YOU GUYS. LOL Housewives! They’re just like us!

BLOOP! Lu and D are in a dress shop with the bridesmaids. Does that sound completely ridiculous to anyone else? Even D says, “I’m a 51 year old bridesmaid, who would have thought.” Lu shows off her wedding dress to everyone. She’s never worn a wedding dress because she eloped last time. This is her chance to experience wedding dress drama, and she’s going all out. This whole scene is far less dramatic than I was expecting. I mean beyond this grown-ass middle aged woman trying on a big white wedding dress this is pretty low key. Not a single person gets into a fight. The dress is pretty and white and all of the women are gasping and making noises. Housewives! They’re just like us!

SPOOSH! Tins meets a friend and they’re walking the streets of NY. The camera pans down on this friend’s dog. The dog is dressed up in a coat and scarf and is sitting in a large remote control Mercedes. Tins talks more about needed to move out of Sonja’s place while they “walk” this dog. I can’t believe this dog is sitting calmly and taking this. What a spoiled little bitch. I mean it’s cute, but mostly it’s crazy. This is how you walk your dog when you’re rich, I guess? Housewives! They’re just like us!

WHOMP! Everyone gathers at a bar for a cocktail party Dorinda set up as a CLEAR THE AIR moment. Wow, Dorinda really does make it nice. She doesn’t like that there’s till rumblings in the air and wants to help everyone move on from whatever drama they have.

Ramona tells us that she’s going to try to talk to Bethenny and do it in such a way it doesn’t feel intentional or threatening. LOL. As if Ramona has a calm and comforting bone in her body. You’ve seen her eyes, right? Do those eyes say CALM to you? Let me help you, NO THEY DO NOT.

Then? Immediately after this announcement Ramona tells Lu she bought her ticket to Palm Beach, and asks if she is getting an invite to the wedding. So. YEAH. She’s got zero chill. Ramona can’t let it go and she’s OBVIOUSLY annoyed. She goes so far as to tell Lu that there’s bets on whether or not Lu and Tom will make it. Have I said ZERO CHILL yet?

Why does she want to go to this wedding? She dated Tom for a minute and spent A LOT of time reminding everyone, why would she think she’s getting an invite? Ramona keeps talking about how she didn’t do anything wrong, that everything is Tom’s fault. It goes on for far too long and I want to give her a Xanax.

Tins and Sonja show up at the party. THANK GOD THERE WASN’T ENOUGH DRAMA AT THIS PARTY. I was about to fall asleep I was so comfortable. Sonja announces that Tins is on her own and they aren’t at this party together. Like a crazy jealous mom. Carole asks Tins if she’s really looking for a place and if Sonja knows about it. Carole is the president of the board of her building and there are 2 apartments open in her building. Tinsley is interested she makes plans to come check out Carole’s building. OMG. If this happens, I don’t even know what I’ll do. Carole and Tins! Will they be BFFs? What will Bethenny do? Maybe she’ll be fine with it, but one thing we know for sure … Sonja will lose her damned mind.

Lu and Ramona sit at the bar alone and talk. Whoa. Is Lu on tranquilizers? She might be getting along with everyone right now. I’m scared! They chat about Bethenny. Neither of them have seen or talked to Bethenny since the dinner where Ramona brought up the boob movie Bethenny made. Ramona obviously doesn’t get why that night was so upsetting for Bethenny. Lu suggests that she should go sit next to Beth and talk about it and make it ok. HAHAHAHAHAHA! LuAnn is the devil and I love it. Mostly because the next thing that happens is … Ramona goes and sits next to Bethenny and … LU LEAVES THE PARTY!

So. Here we are Ramona and Bethenny sitting next to each other. Their energy is so weird and balled up I can feel it through my TV. They’re both pretending the other does not exist, and suddenly Ramona can’t take it anymore. OF COURSE NOT. She’s got ZERO CHILL, remember?

Ramona starts monologging Bethenny. She asks, “When you have girlfriends, when one of them has a bad time in their life do you talk about it with them?” Bethenny snaps back with, “I don’t like the way you’re talking to me.” Ramona tells Bethenny how weird she is, you’re so weird Bethenny you’re just so weird. Neither of them can handle this situation. They snipe back and forth for a while and eventually Bethenny leaves.

Ramona is clearly three sheets to the wind at this point.

The other girls listen to Ramona as she whines about how mean Bethenny is. D says that there’s something definitely going on with Ramonna and her emotions are definitely heightened. The girls leave one by one and eventually it’s just Tins, Ramona, Sonja. Danger DANGER! Housewives! They’re just like us!