heauxs.jpeg

Hi.

Our thumbs are basically numb from texting back and forth 24/7 about everything we love (AND HATE) that's happening on our televisions, iPads, and eye glasses (hi, we think we're funny) and we thought WHY NOT SHARE THIS JOY WITH THE WORLD?!  

SHOULD YOU GO TO THE BIGGEST WHOLE FOODS IN THE ENTIRE WORLD?

SHOULD YOU GO TO THE BIGGEST WHOLE FOODS IN THE ENTIRE WORLD?

How much money do you have? Seriously. Check your pockets and answer the question. HOW MUCH. We hope it's a lot (and that your name is Bill MF Gates) because this new Whole Foods at Lincoln / Ashland / Belmont is fucking gigantic and they want ALL YO MONEY. 75,000 square feet of organic hugeness to be exact. What the hell could be inside??  SPOILER ALERT: EVERYTHING IS INSIDE. Should you go?? We braved a sea of manic, hungry vegans ON A SUNDAY to bring you this review. You're welcome.

Look, the parking garage was scary. Aggressive vegans in Teslas shot around corners at impressive speeds in pursuit of hemp oil and ready made salmon cutlets. Jeremy parked very far away from the entrance because he was scared of the weight-bearing columns and tiny parking spots.

We entered through the downstairs coffee bar. It looked sort of like a college student union, people were studying there with laptops. Moms with strollers, so many pairs of aerodynamic running tights, hypoallergenic dogs (YES THEY LET THESE CRAZY WHITE PEOPLE SHOP WITH THEIR DOGS). We procured a "lemon ginger iced tea" a "cold brew" a "croissant" and this "vegan donut" for $13.30. Yes, girl. A vegan donut. It tasted like peanut butter farts and chewable air.

This is a donut.

This is a donut.

Fuck off, it's a dinner roll with birdseed on top.

Fuck off, it's a dinner roll with birdseed on top.

We got on the escalator up to the main shopping area and had this conversation:

Adrienne: I'm against grocery stores with escalators. Too many questions. How do I get my shit out to the car? Do I have to use one of those cart escalators? What if the lactose-free milk falls out and explodes everywhere? Too stressful.

Jeremy: You can only afford one bag of food here. You just carry it down.

Adrienne: Right.

Jeremy and 238,792,387,532,942,309 Greek yogurts (approx)

Jeremy and 238,792,387,532,942,309 Greek yogurts (approx)

This seems like too much yogurt. We spent a lot of time in this spot. There's every flavor you could ever dream up. This seems very American and awful. How could they possibly ever sell all this yogurt??? We hate this place and everything it stands for! 

But then...

What the hell is this? A homemade pasta bar??? Ummmmm, yes please!

What the hell is this? A homemade pasta bar??? Ummmmm, yes please!

It's around this time that we really realize how beautiful this place is. The people are beautiful. The food is beautiful. The cheese section is beautiful. A PASTA BAR? A FRESH PASTA BAR? This is clearly a grocery store for Oprah. 

Olives for the Gods

Olives for the Gods

Mochi for errybody!

Mochi for errybody!

Soup for dayssssss

Soup for dayssssss

All the lipgloss in Chicago

All the lipgloss in Chicago

All the workers look like they've been freshly imported from Portland with their beards and flannel. One explains to a customer ordering at a snack bar that they've had "a little issue with the kale." There's a wine bar. An honest to goodness sit down wine bar right next to the largest cheese shop you've ever seen. There's a bar bar. There are multiple eating and relaxing areas. Like they want you to SPEND THE REST OF YOUR LIFE THERE and we think it's RIDICULOUS.

Until...

pm me for the photo of a really intense dude playing Galaga like he was on fire.

pm me for the photo of a really intense dude playing Galaga like he was on fire.

...we stumble upon THE GAME ROOM. I say to Jeremy, do you have any quarters? But by god, you don't even need quarters, THIS SHIT IS FREE! And it's like the PERFECT GAMES FOR 40 YEAR OLDS and it's like they know exactly who we are and all of our dreams. We lost like 45 minutes trying to remember how to play Donkey Kong and Frogger and Pac-Man. If we were rich enough we could have had organic poutine WHILE we were reliving our childhood, but why multitask.

We left without buying anything because this place is huge and beautiful and one thousand percent overwhelming. It's cool though, on the way home we went to the Olive Garden because, girl, ain't nobody got time for $200 broccoli today. But there's always time for a taste of Italy, amirite?

PASS THE CRACKERS...IT'S PESACH

DON'T BE AFRAID OF HOT GLUE, BITCH, YOU A DRAG QUEEN.

DON'T BE AFRAID OF HOT GLUE, BITCH, YOU A DRAG QUEEN.