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Hi.

Our thumbs are basically numb from texting back and forth 24/7 about everything we love (AND HATE) that's happening on our televisions, iPads, and eye glasses (hi, we think we're funny) and we thought WHY NOT SHARE THIS JOY WITH THE WORLD?!  

DON'T BE AFRAID OF HOT GLUE, BITCH, YOU A DRAG QUEEN.

DON'T BE AFRAID OF HOT GLUE, BITCH, YOU A DRAG QUEEN.

My general feeling before this episode was: keep Valentina, Eureka, Shea, Nina Bonina, Sasha and Peppermint, everyone else can go home, byyyyyyyye, girl. So I gave myself a pep talk: I WILL COME TO THESE SEASON 9 QUEENS WITH AN OPEN HEART. I WILL GIVE THESE QUEENS A CHANCE. CLEAR EYES FULL BRAS CAN'T LOSE. But then the girls gather for the obligatory Queens Discuss Last Week’s Elimination and Aja looks like a blowfish in a shake-n-go wig while she lectures everyone on how to be successful in the competition. 

Girl / you / did / not / win / PIPE DOWN.

The queens can’t believe Valentina won since she’s only been doing drag for 10 months and I’m like you better take her name out yo mouth VALENTINA IS A DRAG PRODIGY and our one bright spot. Our Mexican bridal princess grabs a candle and starts praying so hard to whoooo? What are the words coming outta that mouth? Who cares—mark my words, Valentina makes the top three for sure.

IT’S THE NEXT DAY (and the shot of Broadway Alexis’ bald spot as she prances into the work room is unfortunate). Ru pops in to make some sort of creepy, vague, and unresolved reference to hidden cameras installed in her wax figure’s eyes (whut) and announces the next challenge. LET’S MAKE FAIRYTALE PRINCESSES, YA’LL. This sounds sort of…basic? Like a weeklong summer camp you’d register your preschool daughter for if you were an asshole who doesn't care about the wage gap. But then Ru is like, also make this creepy, stupid, ridiculous CGI sidekick and we’re back on track!

The girls also have to come up with a mythology for their characters, which is always a disaster. Only a few of our past queens have proven to be talented storytellers—Alaska, Jinkx Monsoon, Katya, Bob. All I can think about is that disaster of a superhero challenge in All-Stars 1. Do you remember Chad Michael’s superhero was going to be in charge of vaginal rejuvenations? 

sorry, no.

sorry, no.

Hopefully these queens will do better. BWAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHA. I love when they make shit.

Farrah Moan is nervous. Alexis says she’s a “jappy girl who likes nice things” so this is right up her alley. Aja is “high fashion” and “avante garde” and "sure she’s got this in the bag" and I can’t help but thinking she’s the Lena Dunham of Drag Race—she’s a millennial from Brooklyn that everybody says is hip and cool and I should like her but I don’t really get it. Kimora DOES NOT SEW and WILL NOT WORK IN A SWEATSHOP. Trinity from Orlando vows that this challenge is hers, so we can only hope she’s getting the loser-edit and going back to Sea World. Eureka tells us she’s going to be a sewer rat princess while wearing a teeny tiny bow tie. I couldn’t help but think:

"A bow tie announces to the world you can no longer get an erection.”
—David Sedaris

Kimora struggles while completing her "creative brief," which looks essentially like a Mad Libs for Drag Queens and should really make putting together a cohesive story pretty damn easy. But Kimora doesn't know what an adjective is. Her (hopefully) faux stupidity and slow vocal fry is like Lee Press-On Nails on a chalkboard. Hot as a dude, but old girl has got to go. And please take Alexis' "subway fish" with you. I scrolled and scrolled and scrolled through her Instagram and did not see one picture of this bitch on the subway.

THANK GOD RU IS HERE TO CHECK ON EVERYONE'S PROJECTS.

rupaul season 9.jpg

Farrah Moan is going to be an underwater socialite. Ru asks his favorite question, “Do you sew?” because Ru loves asking that. Of course Farrah does not sew.

Ru visits Aja and is unimpressed again. 

Ru visits Valentina who is wearing sunglasses and has her head wrapped in a white scarf a la Jackie Kennedy in a convertible played by Katie Holmes. Girl has shaved off half her eyebrows! Ru finds Valentina amusing and so do I.

Ru visits Trinity from Orlando. It’s important to note here that Jeremy and I had very different reactions.

Jeremy: The chocolate starfish business has me CRYING TO DEATH. Aqua pussy was so charming and now I'm loving her. Also, she looks like what Nina might do if there were a “stretch a white girls face across your face” challenge.

Adrienne: Yawn. Of course her character is “aqua pussy” and she’s got a “chocolate starfish.” What is inspired or interesting about some junior high sex lingo? Also, she looks like she just redeemed her Botox Groupon, picked up a foot-long margarita from Senor Frogs, and is on her way to a foam party in that tank top.

(Ru makes a "country chocolate starfish from Cracker Barrel" joke and now my life's dream is to eat chicken fried chicken and play the peg game with Ru at a Cracker Barrel off I-94.)

Farrah whines and cries and rolls around. IT'S SO HARD!!!! "Don't be afraid of hot glue, bitch, you a drag queen!" Eureka admonishes. That's it—Eureka's in the top three. Trinity takes this all in and says, “One minute you’re in and the next minute you’re gone, honey.” Uh that’s not how you say it.

I INTERRUPT THIS RECAP TO ANNOUNCE WE’VE SPENT 24 MINUTES CUCU FREE.

Nevermind.

I’m not really a big Kimora fan, but honestly I appreciate her clearing this cucu business up. “So when you say ‘cucu’ is it like the hole or like the butt, ‘cause I’m a little confused?” Kimora asks. Cynthia launches into a cucu/caca story that’s like girl, whut. And for once Kimora and I are on the same page.

TIME TO GET READY.

The girls stop throwing shade at Aja for her bad painting skillz to talk about the Pulse Nightclub shooting and it’s sad and awful. Trinity performed there the week before the shooting. Cynthia was supposed to perform that night and lost a friend. It’s a powerful moment about not being safe as queer people and reminds us how much this show really matters. Visibility matters. And now I feel sorta bad that I thought Aja looked like a blowfish in a shake-n-go wig and I love them all. It's sort of an abrupt transition but it's still TIME FOR THE RUNWAY!

We can only hope? 

We can only hope? 

Ru: has some seriously fishy hips tonight. It truly delights Todrick, which delights me.

Michelle: looks like she’s being strangled by her top.

Todrick: the most adorable little prince in all the land.

Cheyenne: hot as hell with his white teeth and Marc Jacobs realness.

Cynthia: the best part about this is her rabbit CGI, which is the most...realistic? I refuse to recap their princess back-stories because they're real stupid, ya'll. Cucu's sidekick saves her cucu from getting slapped or something? Cucu.

Peppermint: She's a fire and a pilot light? I don't love all the black beard makeup and can't believe they don't read her for it. But stick around Peppy, I like you.

Farrah Moan: looks pretty good for all that drama-ama-ama?

Charlie Hides: has a sort of Madonna quality about her. Am I wrong? What is it? IT’S THE FAKE UK ACCENT, YA’LL. Her lewk also kind of reminds me of Acid Betty's Madonna Bedtime Stories lewk.

Eureka: I wish i could see more of her details because I bet they're awesome. Her shape looks really great.

Alexis Michelle: the Princess Subway Fish shit is real dumb and her dress is real plain, how is she not in the bottom?

Kimora Blac: Native American Paris Hilton in Ugg boots.

Nina Bonina Brown: Scientology alien version of her peach face on her head. Her paint is always so streaky and hard to make sense of but she serves it with all the dance moves on the runway and the Pinkett Smith add on gave me all the lols.

Sasha: has a birdcage on her head.

Shea: looks the best aesthetically. wig, dress, makeup ON POINT! Love her blue lipstick.

Valentina: Where is Vera's wang? Looks GORGEOUS and her story is like one of the only ones that is funny and makes a bit of sense. She might be smarter than she's letting on. 10 months only? ARE WE SURE.

Aja: her haute couture is a red bathmat duster with chaps and her makeup looks cray. Michelle has stink face for 25 minutes.

Trinity from Orlando: takes off her spandex dress to reveal a spandex swimsuit. The judges love all her chocolate starfish's puns like "clam-mydia." 

TOPS: Valentina, Peppermint, Trinity

BOTTOMS: Kimora, Aja, Farrah

Trinity wins. SHOULDA BEEN VALENTINA. Kimora fake cries because she's not wearing her butt pads and it's just so scary up there without them and everyone rolls their collective eyes. No one can believe Aja is also up for elimination. Not sure why, at least Farrah looks presentable? Like Farrah might win a Halloween costume contest in the suburbs with that look. But where is Aja going? To skin another Muppet?

Aja and Kimora lip sync and I'm praying for a double elimination! Aja looks like a possessed Bozo the clown in chaps but Kimora just acts too cool for school, it's that early '00's Paris Hilton vibe and it's gross. Does she even know the words? But I’d kill someone for Kimora’s stomach. Actually I might kill her if she doesn’t shut up about how pretty she is. Lol, BYE GIRL.

CUCU COUNT: 111111
 

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