EVERYONE HATES SHEP (SOUTHERN CHARM RECAP)
Kathryn is literally rolling her eyes in the new introduction and I’m here for it.
We begin with Landon helping T-Rav set up for his big exhibition polo match. Landon is passing her wifey audition test by hitting all of those T-Rav key wife metrics: glossy hair, inane giggling, arranging the bottles of rosé just so, and never asking anything of T-Rav. T-Rav says that needs a woman who will reflect positively on his family name and legacy, which is true because he is single-handedly dragging his family so deep into the fucking sewer that Stephen King’s “It” is like, “Goddamn, have some self respect.”
Chelsea calls Austen and she comes up in his phone as “Dream Girl” and I bet it was for the cameras/show but I’m also quite taken by it. Emotion! On a man! On this show! If you would have asked me at the beginning of the season if I’d be team Austen I would have been like, “LOL no all men on this show are garbage,” and I would have been right, but now Austen might be the LEAST garbage, which is surprising.
Austen and Chelsea ride together to the 2016 Watch My Sweaty Thighs T-Rav Vanity Polo Match and Chelsea confesses that, “All I know about polo I learned from Pretty Woman,” which: same. Chelsea also cops to having had a makeout sesh with Shep, but Austen is fine with this because Shep’s made out with every living woman in the town of Charleston. Like, when you drive across the Ravenel bridge Shep is in a toll booth and you gotta makeout with him before you can get into the city.
Cameran yells at Whitney until he holds T-Rav’s baby and Whitney has never looked more like a robot wearing a person suit wearing an actual suit.
No one watches the 2016 T-Rav’s Failed Political Career Remembrance Polo Match and instead they do what I would do – focus on the drinks and the food and finding a place to drink those drinks and eat that food where they aren’t going to be cooked alive by the hot ass Charleston sun.
Craig and Landon hang with T-Rav during half-time and Craig is horrified to discover that T-Rav ignores his children as much in public as he does in private. Craig is livid but, like, dude, the kids live in the guest house. T-Rav will only show interest in those children when they either express a preference for their mother and/or call him asking for bail money. Landon, however, is fine with T-Rav’s behavior because it fits right into her plans to ignore those children for the rest of her life.
Whitney hangs out at his mother’s house and Patricia isn’t home and I’m LIVID. How can we film a scene here without the reason for us all being here? WHAT IS EVEN THE POINT OF THIS SHOW WITHOUT PATRICIA? At least her misogyny is refined.
Shep comes over and his shirt is the most wrinkled thing I have ever seen in my life. Like, when I am 98 years old, on my deathbed, my family gathered around me and murmuring into my ear as the last wisps of breath leave my body, my hands will be less wrinkled than his shirt. Shep is, let’s be honest, looking ROUGH. He is desperate need of a glass of orange juice and some kale and a facial and 8 hours of sleep and some protein and a shot of penicillin. Being a highly functional alcoholic takes it right out of you.
Shep and Whitney make grilled cheese sandwiches on white bread with American cheese and I’m glad that Patricia isn’t home because if she caught them doing this she’d surely burn her kitchen to the ground. Whitney tells Shep that Austen hung out with Chelsea and Shep seems to care in only so much as this news interrupts his fantasy that the promise of his dick is compelling enough to cause a vagina to reject all other dicks in perpetuity.
Kathryn and Craig meet up to test their sobriety and Kathryn finds out that Landon co-hosted the polo match. When this information processes in her brain Kathryn’s face explodes in a quiet rage that is so glorious that I’m hereby nominating Kathryn for an Emmy. Is there a “You ever seen somebody ruin their own life” category?
Craig tells Kahtryn that T-Rav didn’t kiss their children goodbye at the polo match and Kathryn is like, “yeah, that sounds about right.” She isn’t even ⅛ as shook up about it as Craig is. I’m also concerned that Kathryn’s choker is going to leave a permanent scar.
Chelsea and Shep get wasted together and she has these long feather earrings on that I could never pull off. Austen is legit in love with Chelsea – the way he looks at her, you guys. Emma Thompson once said that the quality she likes most in a man in uxoriousness, which I had to look up, and I was delighted to discover that it means “being foolishly found of one’s wife,” and I am super into that now as well. Austen has that uxorious glow about him and it’s helping me to ignore the fact that he always talks like he has a really big glob of peanut butter on the roof of his mouth.
The next day, Chelsea is vomiting because she drank too much and is, for some reason, calling Shep to tell him about it. Shep reveals that after he didn’t have sex with Chelsea but told everyone that he did, Chelsea held him accountable for his loathsome behavior by having sex with him. Is Shep a disease? Like toxoplasmosis? Does he infect the brains of women and make them act against their own self-interest?
Naomie and Cameran get their nails done and talk about how close to death Shep is. Shep is turning 37 and I am also 37 and I will tell you for sure that life is now the worst and I am inches from death. Cameran tells Naomie that she enables Craig because she doesn’t ever ask him about why he’s running a kitty cat daycare instead of actually trying to do a thing that may one day enable him to become the lawyer he claims he wants to be. Naomie – you gotta break up with this man boy. There’s no prizes for saving Craig.
Shep goes to Chelsea to get a haircut and those circles under his eyes are a for real cry for help. Shep demands that Chelsea let him know whoever she is allowing into her oral cavity and she giggles and basically agrees and, Chelsea, GURL, this man hasn’t had a haircut in MONTHS. This man wears speedos whenever he can. This man’s self-esteem is based entirely upon how many 22 year olds are going to let him finger bang them tonight. This man is only functioning when he has a minimum of three bourbons in him. This man doesn’t care about anything - don’t trust this man.
Austen has decorated the walls of his bedroom with flags. That shit is tragic.
Shep is wearing seafoam green patterned pants to his birthday yacht party just because he likes to piss me off. He loads the yacht up with the usual cast of characters, plus some random ladies Whitney calls “tarts,” plus Whitney’s British girlfriend Daisy who looks like the love child of Joan Jett and Joan Cusak and heroin.
The boat takes off and Cameran stands at the bow and does that lame “I’m king of the world!” joke – Cammie, you’re better than that. She grills Chelsea about who she likes more, Austen or Shep, and Chelsea says that Austen is a better kisser. Of course he is, because Austen is springing actual wood while he’s kissing Chelsea, while Shep can only get it up looking at his own Instagram.
Cameran taunts Shep with the fact that Chelsea likes Austen more and Shep is basically like, “LOL IDK.” Cameran then goes harder and tells Shep that he’s in danger of becoming Thomas and being 55 and single and lonely and sad. She points to T-Rav and says, “See, he doesn’t even have shoe laces!” Shep says he would be OK to end up like T-Rav because a life in which he doesn’t love anyone and he ignores his children and his one significant relationship has lead to court and rehab and this reality show is pretty sweet, which is the saddest thing I have ever heard. SHEP YOU NEED HELP.
Shep and Thomas take turns hitting on Landon in full view on her boyfriend which doesn’t matter because he’s just a cardboard cutout of a white guy.
T-Rav says that he likes Landon’s body because she doesn’t have wide ankles and if he had to marry somebody he would marry her because she’s “presentable.” Landon claims that she’s attracted to T-Rav because they like the same things like boats, horses, talking, not talking, soup. T-Rav then decides to bestow his bestest compliment on Landon and says that she’s OC, which is “our class” which UGH. They deserve each other. Is there any way I can get Shep in this relationship too so no one else in the world will ever have to suffer? I guess not, because Bravo just announced a spin off called “RelationShep” where they bus Shep around to other US cities so ladies who are six credits shy of graduating/taking the year off to really find themselves can meet him and contract Chlamydia.