DRINK THIS UNICORN
I love a fad. ANY fad. You want me to collect tiny plush toys and lock them up while staring at them in the hopes that they'll one day be worth money? DONE. Oh, I need to see Hamilton twice and listen to the cast album 24/7 for a year and a half? I AM ALL OVER IT. Maybe I'm supposed to get jean shorts and flannels again because we're re-doing the 90s or snuggies, low rise jeans, boot cut jeans, skinny jeans, white jeans ... GIVE ME A FAD I WILL PUT IT ON MYSELF. I will wear it, eat it, listen to it, collect it, hate it, love it, be it. Whatever you got, whatever you want me to consume send it my way because I cannot wait to be a part of it and RIGHT NOW.
The latest fad? Unicorn Food. Yes. Capitalized because it's apparently THAT BIG. It started with Unicorn macaroons, or maybe it was the unicorn cake, or toast, or noodles. Google that junk and say goodbye to your afternoon. The internet isn't even sure anymore where this unicorn business came from or why or how it started. BUT. Here we are. Whatever its origins, you can be sure that the trend is hair's breath away from being extinct if my grandma-ass is just hearing about it.
I discovered the trend YESTERDAY when Facebook told me that Starbucks was getting in on the unicorn-craze with its limited edition Unicorn Frappuccino. The drink is available from April 19 (TODAY) through April 23. In what sounds like a Lisa Frank wet dream realized the Unicorn Frapp is made with pink powder blended into cream Frappucino with mango syrup and layered with a sour blue drizzle.
I rushed myself over to my neighborhood Starbucks on my way to work because HOW CAN I GO ON LIVING IF I DON'T KNOW WHAT THIS MAGIC MAGENTA UNICORN DRINK TASTES LIKE? I ordered my usual TRENTA iced coffee black no sugar (because I am a GROWN ASS MAN GD) and then giggled through requesting a tall unicorn frappuccino.
It is gorgeous. Maybe you're not supposed to eat or drink something that is pink, purple, and magenta, but those colors are my holy trinity. If I could BE magenta, I would. I fully expected to hate the Unicorn Frapp because my body is 41 (not 6), but YOU GUYS. It's sweet AND sour. That cold mango magic hit me and I forgot about how spring has me sneezing and in pain 24/7. THEN? The flavor changed and blasted me with a Sweet Tart fantasia. I was totally prepared to hate myself for spending $400 on this trash, but I think you should go get one. SERIOUSLY. It's fun. Besides, who doesn't want to drink the Barbie aisle from Target as a mid-afternoon pick-me-up?
Listen, heauxs, you only live once. Get the big one. When you're done come over to my house and dye my hair purple.