Our thumbs are basically numb from texting back and forth 24/7 about everything we love (AND HATE) that's happening on our televisions, iPads, and eye glasses (hi, we think we're funny) and we thought WHY NOT SHARE THIS JOY WITH THE WORLD?!  



tinsley mortimer real housewives nyc

The beginning of a Housewives season is terrifying. YES. TERRIFYING. Are you about to witness something great, or are you about to be flushed down the toilet for twelve weeks. I have to tell you that at this particular moment, I cannot tell. We can see there's going to be an election show down, or at the very least some SERIOUS SIDE EYE. That's all well and good. That gives us something to look forward to, and frankly we need it. I know we're only on episode two of the season but somebody needs to break a nail or flip a table REAL SOON.

We begin with Sonja moving a roommate into her apartment. Thank God. Every time we have to look at this house I worry for Sonja. WHY IS THIS OLD WHITE LADY LIVING ALONE IN THIS GIANT HOUSE. Obviously I'm jealous, but COME ON. Her roommate is Tinsley Mortimer. The only thing I know about Ms. Mortimer is that she was on a reality show a couple years ago. She clearly thinks she's important and refers to her family name a lot. These two know each other because they were on the charity circuit a few years back.

Yeah. Charity. Circuit. That's a thing that exists. I clearly need to get my name on their list. MOMMA NEEDS SOME CHARITY, YOU KNOW WHAT I'M SAYING?

Bethenny, who is outfitted in a Cher wig and leopard print body suit, has Ramona and Carole over. It's not super clear why the girls or over OR why Bethenny is dressed like a crazy person. Maybe it's Halloween? Maybe rich ladies occasionally wear costumes for no reason other than to make you feel self conscious? There's an awkward moment when Ramona discovers that Bethenny has adopted two puppies without telling her about it. Ramona repays this slight by ignoring the dogs. Carole announces that she has adopted two kittens. She says kittens with a weird emphasis on the t's? It's as if she has never said the word before. Maybe it's a rich lady thing? Ramona tells them all about how she recently had lunch with Luann to try to clear the air.

ramonda rhony gif

Poof! We're with Luann and her daughter as they shop for hats for Sonja's "Mad Hatter" tea party. They decide they MUST wear hats to the tea party and spend the time gossiping about how the girls feel about Tom.

Sweet mother of God. Are we going to spend the entire season talking about Tom? I mean, I'll give it to them, the guy is attractive and is maybe a garbage person, but does he really warrant all of this chatter? Does he have a magic ding dong? WHAT IS THE DEAL? Why does anyone really care? It's not like any of them are nice and compassionate enough to really be concerned about Luann's well being. I mean, right? It's episode two and I'm over it. WAIT A MINUTE. Sonja is having a tea party?

We go back to Bethenny's where Carole is talking about the election and announces that she will have an election night party. I clearly have election PTSD because I can barely take this news. I have to get in the floor and practice breathing. They chat a bit about politics, and I'm so uncomfortable. It's clear that either Bethenny and Ramona are Trump fans, or too dumb to talk politics with Carole OR BOTH. They're a little bitchy to Carole and I'm ready to throw all the pino grigio and puppies out the window.

tinsley mortimer real housewives of nyc

We're back with Sonja and we're learning a bit more about Tinsley. She was married to a dude named Topper? Topper. LOL. This episode is designed to make you feel like the poorest person on Earth. Case in point ... this dude is an heir to the Standard Oil Company fortune. Google that. HOLY. SHIT. They were together for a while ... yada yada yada ... they divorced and Tinsley has been working on keeping quiet and staying out of trouble. There was an arrest situation complete with mug shot. There were a lot of words and details ... a violated trespass warning ... blah blah blah ... she left NYC and was in Palm Springs for a while. She's back though and wants to have kids even though she's 41. Her eggs frozen, and apparently so is her mind. WHO WANTS TO HAVE A NEW BABY AT 41? Oh. Oh. I forgot. These people are loaded, logic does not apply.

While all of this exposition plays out we see Tinsley running around NYC (wearing a fur vest, YES, GAWD) taking pictures of where she used to live her old life. She's crying about about how things were before she left. She's super cute, so I guess I'll be patient. I hope these girls don't eat her alive. She talks about how she became an it girl? Yeah. She was an it girl? That's an actual thing that people can be. This apparently involved her deciding to curl her hair? I'm not even kidding. She says that curling her hair helped her to be noticeable and recognizable, and then I shaved my head and lit myself on fire.

We're back at Bethenny's place. She's cleaning out her closet to donate to Dress for Success. How's that for branding? This is the second episode where they've had their name everywhere. Dress for Success, Dress for Success, Dress for Success. We learn that B is dating a dude named Dennis. She says his name a bagillion times for us and let's us know that he's the smartest person she's ever met. Speaking of branding ... is this her trying to prove that she has a soft side? She can love and be loved and clean out her closet with her own La Mer soaked hands? This is like that scene in Mean Girls where Regina's mom INSISTS that she's not a regular mom, SHE'S A COOL MOM.

regular mom

It's the day of the tea party! Sonja is getting ready for the party and we discover that the party is her way of introducing Tinsley to the group. Well, the group MINUS Dorinda. Sonja is STILLLL PISSSSSSSSED about not being invited to the Christmas party at Dorinda's last year. I know I shouldn't go and expect Sonja to be a grown up, but GIRL COME ONNNN.

As the ladies start to arrive Sonja gets cranky because her invites CLEARLY STATE that everyone should wear color. Most of them are dressed in all black, because, well, NEWS FLASH: these are New Yorkers and New Yorkers WEAR A LOT OF BLACK. It's really for the best. It lets Sonja spend the rest of the episode talking about how they were all supposed to wear color.

Carole and Ramona talk politics and again it makes me incredibly nervous. It's becoming pretty clear that Ramona (and maybe also Bethenny) is a Trump supporter. They have some back and forth sass-off about who is more informed. No one can be trusted. What is happening. Ramona reveals she has a hickey ... and that's why she's wearing a black scarf tied around her neck. So. Yeah. She's an obvious Trump supporter.

Roberta, Sonja's psychic shows up? They actually show her name and title on the screen. WHUT.

Tinsley awkwardly makes her rounds at the party. She's trying, and everyone seems to be somewhat receptive. Well, everyone except for Bethenny, who by the way is WEARING COLOR LIKE SHE'S SUPPOSED TO (she looks like a GD Easter Egg). Tinsley is taken aback by Bethenny's coldness, which is awesome because this means they're going to have fireworks and I CANNOT WAIT TO WATCH. Tinsley had better get it together though, she's no match for The B.

Luann confronts Sonja because she wants to put an end to the gossip about Tom's possible (LOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOL) philandering. While they're chatting about Tom and you're almost asleep Bethenny sneaks out of the party like the champion she is. There's a giggle fit with the world's gayest butler about Luann's Ralph Lauren farm dress. A dress that PS BY THE WAY I would put on right this minute and I'm not even a person who wears dresses. It's cute AF. I wish this butler dude were the new housewife ... he's hilarious and entertaining and if he had been arrested, or in prison you'd wanna hear every single minute of his story. Instead ... we're starting off with a snooze.


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